Well, that was a bust. I asked if she was still continuing her text messaging affair and she said yes, she still messages someone from time to time, but that it's mostly for conversation with a grown-up. I mentioned that the one message I had seen was sexual and she said yes she had been sending those, but that when I confronted her, she felt really bad about it and stopped.
I said, so you're still going to another man for your emotional needs? She said that she is mostly just corresponding "hey how's your day" "work stinks", and the like. She says she was serious when she said she would not pursue other men while we are married. I asked her who the man was and she said some guy she knew from a website, an old account she doesn't check any more. I said I'd still like us to sleep in different beds tonight. She asked if this was for one night or permanent and I said I'd have to think about it.
I guess now I feel like a real jerk. For whatever reason, I believe her. My sense of righteous anger feels totally deflated and I feel like a jerk. I'm already totally doubting myself and while I realize that that could likely be me going into pleaser overdrive, but gaaahhhh! It's never simple and I just keep doing the wrong things!
M30 W32 T7 M5 Kids: D4 S1 BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring Still living together
Whoooo... Taking a breath here. I know I need some serious detachment if this is how I respond to absolutely everything. Don't panic. Don't panic.
OK, so. Calmer heads, where does WW end and WAW begin here? If she deserves attentive listening and I'm sending her to sleep in other rooms, might that be a step in the wrong direction?
I'm just going to have to pause on posting and just sleep or I'm going to stay up half the night spewing verbal diarrhea.
M30 W32 T7 M5 Kids: D4 S1 BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring Still living together
OK, by the light of a new day, I am much calmer, but not feeling any better about what happened. True enough, I am the wronged party here, and continuing contact with a person she has been sexual with (even if it was only ever text and only ever once or twice) cannot be acceptable. It's still an emotional affair. But what can I do? I feel like drawing lines and insisting that she stop is unlikely to get her to change and it's much more likely to change the dynamic of what had been a very positive two weeks into a very negative one.
M30 W32 T7 M5 Kids: D4 S1 BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring Still living together
I guess now I feel like a real jerk. For whatever reason, I believe her. My sense of righteous anger feels totally deflated and I feel like a jerk. I'm already totally doubting myself and while I realize that that could likely be me going into pleaser overdrive, but gaaahhhh! It's never simple and I just keep doing the wrong things!
Or, perhaps she's lying. People in affairs do -- 100% of the time. Period.
You were advised to wait until you had something iron-clad, and THEN confront her. This is what happens when you:
a) don't have solid evidence, and jump the gun and react emotionally; and
OK, so. Calmer heads, where does WW end and WAW begin here? If she deserves attentive listening and I'm sending her to sleep in other rooms, might that be a step in the wrong direction?
A wife who is still texting other men, after her husband has said he has a problem with it, is WAYWARD. You don't treat waywardness with attentive listening. (see Sandi's threads)
But what can I do? I feel like drawing lines and insisting that she stop is unlikely to get her to change and it's much more likely to change the dynamic of what had been a very positive two weeks into a very negative one.
Your mind isn't thinking clearly at ALL. Consider:
1. This is your FEAR talking. You feel like not confronting her, because you're admittedly terrified by confrontation.
2. You don't do it to "get her to change." You do it to draw a healthy boundary around yourself. Whether or not she responds to that boundary is completely out of your control. Put more simply, you do it because "it's the right thing to do," not to get some reaction out of her.
3. Your recent interactions with her were SEEMINGLY positive, because they were free of confrontation. But the reality is that she was still texting with another man, with whom at MINIMUM she'd already been having an emotional affair with and more likely it is continuing and she is lying. But if "don't rock the boat" is what's most important to you, by all means go back to what you were doing before.
Or, perhaps she's lying. People in affairs do -- 100% of the time. Period.
You were advised to wait until you had something iron-clad, and THEN confront her. This is what happens when you:
a) don't have solid evidence, and jump the gun and react emotionally; and
b) ASK, and don't TELL.
Starsky
I don't want to spy on her. I don't want to log into her phone or accounts. I don't want to check phone records any more. To me, that feels like controlling and pursuit, not detachment. So, without any of that, my only source of information is to ask her.
While I think there is good cause for healthy skepticism here, I don't think that treating everything she says as a lie is helpful either.
I guess the moral is if I wasn't prepared for all possible answers, I shouldn't have asked.
Thank you for your help Starsky, I really do appreciate it. I am trying to get my head in the right place.
M30 W32 T7 M5 Kids: D4 S1 BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring Still living together
I don't want to spy on her. I don't want to log into her phone or accounts. I don't want to check phone records any more. To me, that feels like controlling and pursuit, not detachment. So, without any of that, my only source of information is to ask her.
Lost,
With all due respect and compassion for what you're going thru (remember, I went thru it too!) -- if you continue to lead with your FEELINGS, you are leaving yourself open for a whole world of pain and disappointment.
I suggested some specific ways to get solid intel without daily "spying." You don't sound like you're ready, and that's fine. The problem you're going to have however is, if you ask her if she's cheating and she isn't, she's going to say "no." And if you ask her if she's cheating and she IS, she's going to say "no."
Hi Lost, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But I can tell you that advice from Starsky - one of the best Vets around on the site - is well worth careful consideration.
From what I read, your W is wayward & wayward normally calls for a strong, alpha response. Please read Sandi's advice threads for LBHs to understand more if you haven't done so already.
Good luck my friend :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
