The story so far... -STBX involved in A since late December/early January 2015 -I begin versions of LRT in mid-February -STBX moves in with her parents first week of April -I expose A to OM's W in mid-April -STBX threatens to file for D immediately following exposure of A -Holding pattern for now
Personally, I feel like I've come a long way in a relatively short period, largely because of the support I've received here. I am slowly learning to detach and come to the realization that this is going to be a very long journey. There is no magic bullet. The true goal is for me to become a whole person on the other side, no matter what the outcome. I owe this to myself and to my kids.
"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter." -William James
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
This is an interesting development. Out of the blue, I just received a text from OM's W.
"Hi how are you? Are things better between you two? He denied everything. We are trying to move on."
I have not replied yet and frankly, I'm not sure how I should reply.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
You know from this forum that these things just don't move on.
TenBook, I agree. But this text from OM's W does mean a few things to me.
One, OM or OM's W are not pursuing a D (at least not publicly).
Two, OM's W wouldn't have texted me out of the blue unless she was searching for some intel.
Three, I still have access to STBX's phone records (I haven't checked in a few weeks) so I could ask OM's W about the new, suspicious phone number calling my STBX.
OR, I could do nothing, knowing that I've done enough to expose the A, and just be patient to see if A will fizzle out on its own.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto - IMO, let it die. If it is going on, the more you snoop or expose, the more they may dig their heels in and stay in the fog. Also, it may be harder for your WW to accept you've changed if this comes up.
Nothing you can do about the A - let it fizzle out on it's own, work on you, etc. Your gameplan doesn't change.
Nothing wrong with a "hi" and maybe a "things are moving along as well a they can for me. I wish the best for you and hope you are happy, whatever the outcome. Take care."
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I agree with the idea of a vague text to keep the line open.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
hold on...don't respond yet. She's been non-communicative so getting the best bang for your buck might be important.
My first impulse is to text her to call you. Actually probably say, "I figured he & they would deny. I was told you thought I was crazy for calling you. I'd rather speak to you directly. I have a few questions I'd only feel comfortable discussing with you on the phone. Obviously this is an extremely sensitive discussion and I'd like to know I was actually talking with you. I hope that's ok."
You'll get to express and get much more detail in a phone call.
Also, you never know who's on the other end of that phone if you text.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Defacto - IMO, let it die. If it is going on, the more you snoop or expose, the more they may dig their heels in and stay in the fog. Also, it may be harder for your WW to accept you've changed if this comes up.
Nothing you can do about the A - let it fizzle out on it's own, work on you, etc. Your gameplan doesn't change.
Nothing wrong with a "hi" and maybe a "things are moving along as well a they can for me. I wish the best for you and hope you are happy, whatever the outcome. Take care."
I mean no disrespect to Ripken and you are obviously free to take anyones advice here. We all are in your corner just trying to help you with our unprofessional peer opinions. However, I respectfully disagree with this advice.
1. Affairs don't "fizzle out"...they are either in an unhealthy inappropriate destructive extra marital relationship or they are not. There is no going back to "just friends" or even a "professional relationship". That would be dangerous to the way wards and disrespectful to the betrayed spouse. Relationship OVER [no contact] or not.
2. Any progress you've made towards getting your wife back or to see you've changed is meaningless if the affair is continuing. ( I personally think and hope that it's actually over and OM has dumped her to a large extent but even them remaining coworkers and making daily eye contact is actually a continuing inappropriate and hurtful relationship that eventually needs to stop if this two want to ever reconcile).
3. "Nothing you can do about the A" = true and false. There are some things he can do like exposing the affair to the OM's wife which he has done and continuing to communicate with his ALLIE (OM's wife) to collaborate and insure that the affair is actually ending/ended/dead and not underground. OM"s wife is hopefully going to be a lot more aggressive keeping her husband in line (woman just naturally tend to do this). Maybe she's making her husband quit his job and move to another hospital or clinic. That would be good information for Defacto to know. It's not snooping...it's fact checking to make sure you aren't wasting your time trying to make love tank deposits with a person STILL in an active affair.
4. Watch your boundaries. Don't meet with her in person and don't spend too much time consoling her. You aren't there to help her save her marriage. This is just helping each other kill the affair to the extent she and/or you.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
This is an interesting development. Out of the blue, I just received a text from OM's W.
"Hi how are you? Are things better between you two? He denied everything. We are trying to move on."
I have not replied yet and frankly, I'm not sure how I should reply.
Some mind reading (experienced based guessing):
OM denied it. She loves him and wants/wanted to believe him. The facts and information you shared with her are sinking in and OM's wife now isn't sure what to believe. It's likely she bought the "Defacto is a nut bag abusive jealous husband" line for a few days which is why she didn't respond to you earlier. I'd also guess she's talk to a family member or friend who told her that her husband is/was full of crap and that you (defacto) are and were likely telling her the truth. So NOW, finally a month later she does believe something inappropriate happened but she is going to let things "move on" for peace sakes hoping this was just a one off situation. OM is either dutifully making it up to her and giving her every assurance she needs or defiantly telling her she's nuts for second guessing him and not trusting him (gas lighting her).
Now she's hoping against hope that you have no more information for her and that your wife and you are working it out because that would mean your wife is staying away from her husband and all is right in the world again. She really won't be too excited to hear they are still talking via his office phone hard line. (OM will surely just tell her he was just checking on your wife).
One of the reasons you want a phone call with her is because you can convey a lot more rationality and calmness in a conversation than in text. There's too much opportunity to read between lines and have someone wonder if you are or could be a dangerous manipulative controlling man in text versus a nice guy just trying to do what is right and save your family.
Plus...you'll be able to laugh off when she tells you OM said you were crazy, dangerous, abusive, etc and say "a friend of mine told me word for word that's what your husband likely told you. It's like a script. All way wards say that. It's meant to manipulate you into disgusting my exposure and making you fear me communicating with me further. It avoids having to explain or justify anything. Attack the messenger. I assure you I am none of those things but understand you don't really know me so I would help you with any facts you need or want to assure you. Unlike your husband (and my wife), I'm an open book."
If I was so dangerous why not file a restraining or personal protection order against me?
Even if I were controlling abusive etc, how does that explain or justify their sexual relationship? Is your husband going to pursue inappropriate relationships with every distressed woman in that hospital?
If I'm a liar wouldn't your husband be suing me for defamation?
A potential bomb you could drop: "My wife has hinted that she was not your husband's first inappropriate relationship at the hospital. He has a reputation there so "moving on" and burying your head in the sand hoping this was just a "one off" situation that went a little beyond harmless flirting might be a huge mistake. IMO, she's still in denial that this was that bad and giving her husband the benefit of the doubt. It's likely he's a serial cheating doctor who gets off on the attention of the support staff females. The sooner she wakes up to that fact the better. The phone calls alone tell you that OM's not done with your wife and lying to his wife is a habit. He'll do it again and has likely done it numerous times already. Where there is smoke there is usually a fire.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Thanks Rip and Mahhhty. Still debating what to do next with the OM's W text message.
I did check STBX phone records for a little bit of intel. What I learned: -no direct phone calls to/from OM's cell for since 05/08 -STBX did receive three incoming calls from the same suspicious doctor's office phone number (which I believe to be OM) in the middle of the week last week. -STBX called a hotel in Hollywood, CA Sunday morning 05/17 for 3 minutes. It would have been 4am local time there. Odd to say the least. -inbound text from OM 6:38pm 05/19 -outbound text to OM 11:54 pm 05/19 (I can't normally track text messages between STBX and OM due to iMessage. OM or STBX must have been in a location without good cell coverage)
Anyway, I confirmed STBX is still in contact with OM. My assumption is the majority of contact is probably thru text/iMessage as it can not be tracked. No idea as to what extent though.
I checked the phone records partially out of curiosity, but mainly to validate how I could utilize my contact, if any, with OM's W. Also, to see STBX still in contact with OM energizes and re-focuses my efforts towards DB.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
