hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Thanks again Zues!
I wish I learned this much - realized where I was at - and acted with dignity in a short 4 months. Look at my time again . In the first four months - maybe even 6 I was a COMPLETE wreck. Then inaction became my path, always hoping that this was temporary and she will realize the mistake she made.

I know now, 16 months or so into this, that this will not be repaired, she has no intention to change and has said so. What you have written about the blame all going on to me and not wanting to be inconvenienced by this is really how she's acting. So twisted, but I guess it is her perception - so that is her reality. "just walk away and file for divorce u-turn and it will all be fine"

With W being at least 12 months into this affair, being married and not caring about her husband or family, and OM being married and seemingly not caring about his W or family, neither wanting to end their marriage, but continue with their wayward friends with benefit ways. I don't see recovering from this. (of course I am not talking about my recovery - I think I will just "feel a whole lot better when she's gone".

And at this stage - I don't know what another 6 months will do. Keeping things as is would just make things perfect for W - I don't want to make things perfect and simple for her. I am not trying to punish her, but she should know what the consequences are.

I don't know how this will all unfold, but I do know that I have a strong relationship with my kids, I know I am honorable man and have a lot going for me. I will be ok.

Thanks for your support and all you write in yours and all the other threads.

[u-turn]

Thank you V.
I have never left and will not leave MBR. She sleeps in the basement family room and has for a couple months. This will become more uncomfortable for her now that school is going to be over and D15 will have friends spending the night (they sleep there and I will not deny D15 this). W will have to find another spot I guess.

She gets ready in a bathroom that I don't use (but this is not a change), she does keep her clothes in the MBR yet. This will have to change. (she will likely dig her heals in on this too) I will have to move them (but our house is small and I don't know where they would go).

for now she is refusing to leave - says I cannot force her out. She will not file for divorce - says I will have to.

She knows that I will not be in an open R. She claims that we do not have a marriage, so it doesn't apply. I disagreed (duh)

She is very stubborn and has always been (has to be right/has to win). she claims not to be this way though. I do not see her changing her mind about leaving. I am thinking that we will have to sell the house (this is not what I want). This will be a long road (many repairs should happen).

--------

weird twist tonight. I heard W on the phone with her boss tonight. he is inviting US to his cottage. W came into my office to tell me. I just stared at her in disbelief. She hasn't asked me if I will go, I think she will (she would likely want to still seem like a normal family to her peers).

The gall of this - 6 days ago she wished I would have killed myself. She says we do not have a marriage, we are dissolving our family, but I am ok to pretend with in front of other people for her image. I will not do this. I will say no to this. and this goes beyond the - not while OM is in the picture. There is so much more to this now.

Thank you so much for your support!!

[Zues126]

You're right U, sometimes I lose track of the timelines involved. I love what V is saying...just kind of edging her out little by little.

Have you consulted an attorney? Is selling the house really the only solution? You can't file a D based on the affair and request the house in the settlement?

It's funny, in my case I moved out almost immediately at my WAS's request. I let her bully me out as those on the forums scream not to let happen. And in some ways it has enabled her to do whatever she has done. But you know what? I am not complaining. I've had my own space, my own life. My kids know damn well I didn't abandon them as I've been closer to them than ever, and am doing everything possible to get more time with them. At the end of the day it might not have been as 'strategic' from a saving my M point of view, but trying to predict what would've made my WW turn around is futile. Oh, my DB coach didn't have a problem with it either when I told her what was going on, so I don't have many regrets.

Point is that I wouldn't want your life to be stuck because of a DB rule. Get a lawyer, get a DB coach, and don't rule out options. Since you know she's cooked, don't let her dictate your life. Maybe moving out and getting your own place and filing would be best for you. Who cares if she "wins". She's already screwed up your life enough, why let a childish game further interfere with what could be a great chance to start over. I mean, selling the house just to force her out still requires you to move out yourself...almost seems silly.

Anyway, not saying you go that route, V and the DB forums are pretty clear on this point. I just want you to feel 'unstuck'.

Take care U!

[u-turn]

I have not seen an attorney yet but that will be a next step. I do not believe that the affair will have a bearing on a settlement, but I will see. (I again have stupidly thought we could work together to come to a solution - ha). Finances are all separated now, business is not yet.

I don't really know if I am DBing any more - I mean, I am still actively improving myself, but really do not see busting this situation and divorce. The rules have just become a way of life now - I do not think much about the rules - they are basically who I am now.

I know the house seems like a game piece. I want her to leave the house and I would stay kids would be 50-50 between us. She wants to stay in the house and doesn't care what I do (stay/go) she says it is the kids house and she will stay with the kids. Though in another breath she says the kids will be 50/50.

So an option is that we will sell and all move. crazy and I don't have the numbers worked out about if it makes financial sense.

I know you have been pushing for DB coaching to others around here. I never did this either - Do you think there is a point to this any more? I feel like we are at a point of dissolving everything - I am accepting this, what do you think a DB coach could help me with?

I really think that she doesn't care that she stays here with the kids. I think it still comes down to her image and the story she intends on telling everyone. and maybe this is a silly game we are playing too.

I do care that the kids are taken care of in both houses (and I have faith that I can create a new home for me and the kids if necessary). I am very resourceful.

[SunnyB]

No advice U-turn, just a nod to your Tom Petty reference. I've listened to that song many times in the last year. It's part of my "Good Riddance" playlist.

[u-turn]

Ah - sunny - caught that one

That song goes through my head a lot. Thanks for reading and commenting!!

[Zues126]

Hey U, just wanted to get back to you on the value of a DB coach. To me it's not just someone to help strategize on how to save your M. I got 6 more sessions after I had accepted that wasn't in the cards. But there are so many things she helps me with.

When I was harboring resentment towards my sister for her role in my D, my DB coach helped me write it out on paper so I could process those emotions. I no longer have that negativity in my heart.

My mediation is scheduled for 7/2. My DB coach suggested I email my STBX something specifically about how the kids have benefited from both of us, and how nice it is that our approaches compliment each other so well for the kids best interest. There was a LOT of nuance and strategy to the email, but the point of it is to make a point of reinstating good will, a team spirit, and reinforce our common goals. It was very subtle, with no expectation of a response, but it was meant to put her at ease so she didn't think I was approaching this meeting with a confrontational attitude. Again, no way I can explain the brilliance of how she structured it (using only my feelings I'd given her) and even the timing of when to send it...but it was something I'd have NEVER done on my own. But if it helps our children, and increases the likelihood that we'll settle amicably, and improves how we work together as co-parents...I'm ALL IN.

She's also helped me uncover some of my base needs that were being neglected that were triggers for me when I was using porn. This has helped me go from abstaining to overcoming. Not calling the game yet but feeling good.

I could go on.

Point is there is much more to a DB coach than saving a M. I think it captures the spirit of DB by maximizing your personal growth, demonstrating those changes in your other interpersonal relationships, and then navigating through the craziness of a WAS to deescalate the situation for the best interest of the family. Not saying it can't be done on your own, but mine has been a true Godsend.

Oh, and I get 10% from all sign up fees from posters I solicited...JK

[SunnyB]

U-turn, I've always read your thread, I just never had any idea what to say. When my H was living at home and the kids didn't know, I called it limbo. But I knew H wanted out. You are living in a whole different level of limbo--she won't leave!!

The only thing I'll say is something I posted on my thread a while back. My dear friend who is a priest asked me how long I was going to live S but not D, knowing I can't truly move on without that legal status. He said, life is short. And he wasn't pushing me to do anything I wasn't ready to do, wasn't telling me to give up on my M, but pointing out that sometimes we need to let go of things to get to something better. Maybe it's time for you to force the issue with your W, u-turn. So you can have something better.

[HeavyD]

Wow - what a pickle

I too would stand my ground, not leave the house and try to make it as uncomfortable as possible for her to remain there. I would not leave the marital bedroom either.

I would continue to DB, ignore the situation as much as possible. She is living in the basement - how comfortable can that be? Can you make it more uncomfortable for her? I would put all of her clothes down there, make up, everything.

I would not participate in any family events with her. She is wayward. You are not in a happy family relationship so don't play that game with he.

You are lucky that your kids are older, I think they will be hande it better.

Continue to "play the game" who knows what can happen in 2-3 months. I would consult with a L to know your legal rights. Can you buy her out of her equity? Does she work and contribute to the family income? Are both of your names on the deed? Can you make her pay rent, utilities, etc...

Hang tight.

[CaliGuy]

U-turn

So from what I have read about your sitch ... your wife really does not want D, but does not want to stop the A either ... cake eat much?

If she refuses to leave, seems hell bent on fooling everyone .. family friends etc into thinking she is still M, and all is good .. then appearances seem to matter more to her than doing what is right .. or actually pursuing the R with OM ... seems they feel that their little FWB aggreement works out for everyone ... FantasyLand ... he is not leaving for her, and she is not leaving for him.

At this point I think you have done all you can ... why not start the D papers? Not that you have to actually go through with it .. but at this point what do you have to lose? You are not happy, she will not leave, most likely will not give the house over to you.

But think of it this way ... if she is not D, that will change the dynamics of the A, its no longer a FWB A between 2 married people... its a .. well now this blew up and I am a divorcee and the OW to a married man.

Reading Sandis stuff ... she has stated a few times the WW does not wake up till she is faced with losing things that are important to her .. your W is cake eating and has had her way from what I see. Losing the house, splitting up the family is the result of all this that may happen regardless ... feels like you two are playing chicken to see who flinches