I feel the same way but I realize that all of my placating efforts of the past is what got me to the present. So, for me personally, I am changing my tune. I am so tired of having to cater to her and her "moods". And with this blatantly disrespectful affair, well that is just over the top definat. Again, for me personally, I don't even answer texts unless they are kid related. I am a busy lady with so much going on (right!).
It seems to me that she still has you hooked by telling you to respond quicker to her texts (jump through the hoops faster Kramer, you are too slow, who is she to dictate anything to you after her continued terrible and disrespctful behaviors). That's how it reads to me.
But again, what do I know, I am just another lady with a crazy MLC W who is thowing away me and our kids after 20 years for a creep.
Here's my dilemma. We all like to think that our sitches are unique, although they probably are not. In my case, the woman I have known for 20 years is one that will never admit fault or make the first move when she is wrong. She is headstrong and proud, and would rather fall on her sword than admit that she was wrong about something. I'm wondering now if she is waiting for me to pursue her and fight for her love. I know that sounds crazy based on the fact that she had an affair, left me, and filed for divorce. However, in her mind, I had grown distant, uncaring, and did not show her the love and respect that I should have in the last year.
Am I completely nuts here? Is there any validity at all to my thinking process? Or is this just me being manipulated by her?
My W is EXCACTLY the same way ... proud and stubborn, basically had that entitled vibe like the A was my fault.
I think it has to do with respect, in a sense the WAW loses respect for the LBH especially if we are the fixer-pursuer conflict avoiding types ... I was/am/still working on that. So one must like Sandi said become the somewhat aloof Football player, regain his own mojo ... trick here is you do not do this for her, you do it for yourself. She is controlling you a bit, telling you when you need to respond, sharing the knife story well after it happened ... to get a response out of you .. she has placed you in a spot, expects you to always be there as she does her thing .... once she feels you starting to move without her permission she will temp check you to see where you are ... do things to put you back. I noticed a difference when my W knew I was no longer in that corner, I was in fact moving on ... she for the first time was scared to lose me. My M is far from fixed .. but those things changed the sitch
Stop being so available, she will continue to test to see if the changes you have made are real, and to make sure you are where she left you.
I feel the need to provide a little more information regarding my last comments. Please understand that I am not saying that my wife is not trying to control me or make sure I am still there. However, to be fair, she has told me for years that I am a poor texter. I only look at my phone occasionally during the day and always have it on vibrate only. I am not one of those types that is tethered to their phone and responds immediately when somebody texts or calls. I have been this way for years, and she always joked about it.
Having known her for 20 years, I also think I know her nuances and language. Up until recently, her responses and messages were clipped and short, with angry undertones. Lately, her responses have been more cordial and thankful. For instance, when I told her to call me next time, she said "Aww, that's so sweet". When she was having her breakdown, and I made arrangements to meet with her, she said the same thing and was thankful. She reciprocates my wishes to have a good day. All of these behabiors are vast improvements from the last 5 months.
Having said all that, I don't think it really changes how I should respond moving forward. It does give me second thoughts and doubts, though.
The real ironic/sad/frustrating thing here is that it almost seems like we are both digging our heels in, and waiting for the other person to flinch and make the first move. Instead of just communicating our needs and wishes with each other, we continue along parrallel paths on the way to divorce and the end of our relationship.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
My wife, as I mentioned earlier, is very stubborn. I'm sure that some of her actions are her attempt to prove to herself that she can handle all of the things that I did when we were together. For instance, I did the cooking, most of the housework, bill paying, and planned all of our trips. I also did the planning and menus for our large family get togethers and holidays. I bought gifts and cards for everybody and she would then sign them. At the time, she was quite happy having me do all this, because she did not like to do it. I truly enjoyed doing all of this, as long as it was appreciated. At the end, I grew more resentful and unappreciated, which caused friction and the affair/divorce groundwork was laid.
The reason I bring this up is because all of those actions that she liked me to do are now described as controlling. I wonder if she is making a point to prove to me that she can do things better than me, and if that attitude puts up unscaleable walls between us. She has mentioned on numerous occasions that she hates to do all of those things, but Kramer is out of the picture now.
I'm not sure what to make of all this, or even if any of it really even matters at this stage. The ironic thing is that she is spending less time with OM now that we have separated, and she seems more flustered and chaotic.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Your w knows how you feel right? She knows you want her back more than anything right? She knows how to reach you and she chose to have the affair and refuses to end it right? That about says it all.
My w is the exact same - she is entitled and treats me poorly and feels justified in doing what she wants to do - no regrets is her tag line. She used that line on me when we were dating 20 years ago. She has used it again for this A - barf and unoriginal.
The fact of the matter is that for whatever reason that we may never truly understand they threw us and the family away. It blows but what choice do we have in the matter - none except to learn and grow from the experience.
Heavys right, Kramer. She knows you're there and from everything Sandi and others say, that will never change unless she feels loss and questions whether or not you are, a 180 from where it is now.
Right now you being there and even lightly reassuring her hasn't changed her decision for the affair and possibly divorce, so to continue down that action or even pursue more might be more of the same.
I thought my ww was just how you described yours, proud and stubborn. However, she is not herself right now and clearly with the affair, if she wants something she'll make it known.
If she can risk everything you had for that, you don't think she'd risk her pride to tell you she felt differently if that ever was the case?
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
WTF is wrong with me? I can look at my situation objectively, and know that it is imperative for me to detach, go dark, GAL, and move forward with my life. I know deep down that my wife is temp checking and trying to place me in the friend zone, and yet I keep slipping up. She says that het OM only wants to be friends, and has called her boring and predictable, but I still have no evidence that the affair is over. I am assuming that she may have had an argument or disagreement with him, and that is why she is contacting me more frequently.
And then the other part of my brain says "Wait a second, Kramer. Your wife is being nice and perhaps she is starting to miss you. You don't want to pass up this opportunity". Keep in mind that she has not given any indication that she has had an epiphany and wants to reconcile. That is all made up in my mind.
Latest example: She texts me this morning from the gym and tells me about one of our aquaintances being on "my machine" and that her mother woke her up at 0400 with a rat in the house. I should have just ignored them, but of course I didn't. I made small talk and acted like we were friends. Ugh.
I don't want to be her friend. I want to be her husband. And yet, I keep screwing up. Aargh!
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Give yourself grace, Kramer. You are going through one of the toughest things anyone can experience. Although we can tell you there are better ways to do things, it doesn't always mean they are right, based on your sitch.
For me too, it's easier to give advice to others, I have no emotional connection to and say "you should do this". When the same thing happens to my sitch and I get similar advice, I question and say "yeah, but . . ."
The "yeah buts" will get you every time. Trust your own advice you'd give to others, take a deep breath and let the process work. You've already seen some progress.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Don't beat yourself up. Rip is right. You are a good and decent man who is trying to do the right thing. You are seeing a lot of progress, she is contacting you and talking to you in a positive way, those are steps forward.
However, she is still involved with her OM, therefore you can't be a friend or sounding board. Personally I would ignore those texts and/or emails. Let her miss the capabale and caring Kramer that she depended upon and loved for 17 years, that's a long time.
Do you want to be a friend or husband? She is divorcing you and has made it clear she is with the OM and continues to be his friend/lover.
Stand firm and continue to DB.
That is my .02 cents - choose to ignore if you want to.
And then the other part of my brain says "Wait a second, Kramer. Your wife is being nice and perhaps she is starting to miss you. You don't want to pass up this opportunity".
An opportunity to do what?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
