Hi Toots. Very sad about your brother I don't think you ever get over a loss like that but you just learn to deal with it. It seems your down and no wonder with the house stuff etc going on. At times such as this I believe the choice of how to proceed is yours You obviously aren't the type to feel sorry for yourself and that's great but at the same time you need to vent. Hopefully the work will keep you busy.
Toots , re the name thing my EXW name lends itself to be shortened and I also have two other nicknames for her which I find myself calling her when she's down I have also stopped this but she keeps calling me by her nickname for me
It's so difficult to deal with all this and I'm not sure we will ever come out the other side 100 % but we must carry on and make a new life for ourselves whatever the outcome
Firstly (((((Toots))))) and pat the mog cat as well from BFT.
Sorry to hear it's all a bit much at the moment Toots. Been there and I know how much it leads to a "Oh what now?!" kind of state, either that or just a general low ebb and it starts to feel like you're the only one the world isn't working for. I cant imagine processing the kind of situation you had regarding your Brother, I can imagine it does lead to you holding on to those around you with stronger emotional ties.
Glad to hear you feel you can open up more here, I know theres a temptation to only post the good but sometimes its the other stuff that leads to the best advice from the great people on here ... Some of the most down and feeling blue comments Ive posted here have led to the most nudges I needed at the time.
If nothing else we can send positive vibes and say in one way or another we've been through the same or similar situations between us and, if not, we can say you can at least let off steam or cry on a virtual shoulder when needed.
Keep tootling toots, you will be ok and you are not alone - now go shout at that sofa and really let it have it if you need to.
Feel better my friend
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Oh how I know how you feel. It [censored], quite frankly, to hear the "D" word and feel so utterly sideswiped. I cried a lot in the early days and honestly, still cry every once in a great while. I think focusing on your work is a good thing. I tried to do that as well and some days that was really helpful.
I like that you are a positive person. I try so hard to be, but I'm not always as good at it. I think, in the long run, it will benefit you, though I agree with Edz' caution about not bottling stuff up. I found this page and also have a good friend at work who has been through a D, so it was helpful to me to have both this page and a real person I could talk to.
Toots, I really empathize with you. hang in there. Life DOES get better and the best part is that you will be doing everything for YOU.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Sorry about your brother, it is one of those events in life that will hurt and move with us forever, we just learn how to handle it better and keep it in our hearts.
We had a neighbor that grown up with my kids since very little boy, he was like another son to me and another brother to my kids. Three years ago he took his life and my family was devastated. It still hurts and my kids will never be the same after that.
Toots, I think that we all need to be kind of positive, looking at the positive is nothing wrong and we need to have this right attitude that we will be OK tomorrow because it is the truth.
By other hand, time to time if you are feeling down, crying and angry with this whole situation, then just vent it all here. We are the ones will understand it perfectly, we are the ones that brake in pieces sometimes and we are the ones that pick up those same pieces to put it together to each other.
Just believe that you are not alone, several times a day I think about you and even say to myself that I wish you are doing well, that are feeling better. This board is a Godsend page that is filled with caring thoughts and spontaneous friendship.
Use and abuse us, we are here for you as you are here for us. If the day is sunny and you want to tell jokes, we will smile with you. If it is a gray day and you want to cry out loud and say how much it hurts and that you hate this minute in your life, we will be here to cry with you and lift your spirit.
You know I love you a lot and there is quite a Toots fun club here. By the way, we need to check with Jim if he ordered the T-Shirts "I agree with Toots", I need to send him my payment. Maybe it's allowed to mail a money order to a P.O.Box somewhere.
Love, kisses, hugs, girl talk, all your way today sister. Pink
Thanks guys - after a bit of a low start, I had a pretty good day really. WFH all day, and really started getting to grips with these work projects. Had a phone catch up with my boss & some general queries. Popped out into town for a walk at lunchtime & just back from a supermarket shop.
No response from L yet and all quiet with H. Enjoyed a peaceful day after a pretty hectic couple of weeks, when I had started to get over tired. Thanks for the vote of confidence in my optimism! I think I just need to match that with letting the feelings out. I don't consciously suppress (unless I'm in the supermarket checkout queue ) but I don't cry a lot that often. Nor do I get really angry that often. I'm consciously avoiding a whole suitcase of sentimental stuff for now, just because I don't want to face looking at it. Is that bad?
Nor do I want to face looking at H just now. We're collaborating legally, which normally means meeting. TBH I dread that in the circumstances. I worry I wouldn't handle it well, plus I don't want to have my L travelling at �230/hour. I know some of you may feel it's a good idea, given the long NC. I just feel - maybe the best thing is to just never see him again and keep moving forwards. I have asked my L to propose doing the 'collaboration' remotely using conf call and Skype or similar (Edz, are there good free use Skype-like business options out there if my L asks please??)
Dinner is on the go now, so I'll check in later and see if you lot are behaving yourselves...
Last edited by Toots; 05/19/1506:12 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Meatballs with chilli and tomato with tagliatelle. Oh and wine! Shiraz Cabernet sauvignon lemon tart and some veg crisps for nibbles.
Watching some YouTube with s.
Skype can be used in business toots with a but, the no commercial use is designed to cover resale so you can't sell it on Skype business adds collaborative business tools but as of my research in December you can use free Skype for business use as long as you don't profit from a resale but I am not a lawyer!
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Thanks Pink and Edz - sounds like you were moderately behaving yourselves! Edz, thanks for the Skype feedback too - I knew you'd be the man for that one! I'm off today and plan to revisit the financial info and make sure all my things are in place for L. I'm having difficulties closing down a dormant bank account that has never been used, and that is a bit frustrating. Need to call the bank today and knock that one on the head.
Just journaling with this one. I feel compared to many on these boards that our M is 'lesser.' Small change instead of notes in marriage currency. We haven't been M for that many years and don't have kids together - although we were a family with SS. I can see with M's like Pinks and RDs and others - where you've been married for years and have 3 or 4 kids between you, it's well worth holding out for change.
But we were just M for 5 years and together for 10+, does that make it a bit daft to be 'standing' as I am? With some other sitches there is such a long history and there will always be contact due to the kids, I can understand it more. I just feel that our M is 'of lower value' in a way. Perhaps it is because H has rejected it so wholeheartedly?
Part of me feels that I'm doggedly holding on and why? Would I actually be happier if we were together again? I don't know. I simply can't see us together again just now. I don't even like him that much at the moment. I read about standing for your M when you don't even feel like it much, and when it's not very pleasant to do, and I guess that's the stage I'm at - a kind of 'well I've started so I'll bloody well finish!' kind of mentality.
Anyway - just what's on my mind this morning. Time to get going now. Have a good day!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots. I don't think standing for you M is anymore important because of time or children. You love H so that's what matters. I have no doubt Toots could find someone to be very happy with and maybe that's what will happen
When I read a lot of the sitchs on here I often wonder why people stand I read about Toots and honestly think any man would be over the moon to have you in their life. Your attractive , intelligent , good job, loyal , etc.
I believe you stand because you love H and you believe he is in an MLC. ( so do I by the way) ). How long you stand is up to you. As you say kids do keep people in contact and maybe that is a way to reconcile in the long term
Toots , you deserve so much more than you are getting from H at the moment. I would encourge you to stand while your heart tells you it's the right thing for you. Your head may say different but it's your heart that is the real you. Keep on living your life and who knows what the future holds but I'm convinced good things happen to good people and if you and H are meant to be it will happen , if not Prince Charming is waiting for your heart to heal before he appears
) but I don't cry a lot that often. Nor do I get really angry that often. I'm consciously avoiding a whole suitcase of sentimental stuff for now, just because I don't want to face looking at it. Is that bad?