Old dog seeks new trick 13

[PigPen]

Thank you Cadet, I appreciate your response and all of the knowledge that you impart on here.

[Old Dog]

Email sent.

Now to hobble around the dance floor with a bad back. Not sure if I'll be able to do anything tonight but I'll see.

Well I did manage to bust some moves on Tuesday after all and it was the fourth year anniversary of the class so they brought in some guests and wheeled out a cake: which was nice.

[Vanilla]

I think for most of us LBS's we feel like we're in the furthest place from the driver's seat with that decision.

I certainly understand how you feel as I have been where you are, I do not think there is a specific thread that says this.

Cadet, I really agree when the LBS stands for the M, grows for themselves and starts to become someone only a fool would leave. The more that DB is applied the more this is the case. In the end we push ourselves to grow and learn. In many ways most threads here say that. Unless the WS has serious personality issues they must eventually emerge from their tunnel or replay. Review the damage to their own lives and then the harm to others. Then they either grow themselves, ignore it with enormous pain but stay in the worst place until it is faced. The best for the LBS is to let go of the resentment.

It is my observation, and research that leads me to give out that advice.
I do believe that the LBS is the one that gets to decide,
as I have written on some other threads many times the LBS becomes the WAS and everything becomes flipped.

This is in essence how I see it too.

I think maybe it comes down to a boundary that finally is enforced, and the LBS finally dropping the rope and
Letting Go.

Detachment comes first. In my case "I will no longer be abused or disrespected"

At that point the WAS has no one else to blame other than
themselves and maybe at that point decides to start
to make changes to FIX themselves.

Cadet there are some WS (rather than WAS) who have personality issues and may never realise. For the great majority, this must be true, even if they repeat with yet another LBS. even if it's another round.

For all along it was never about the marriage or the relationship but something that was missing within themselves.

We are all work in progress I really believe that.

I am not saying that each person in the marriage is
not responsible for 50%.
The LBS thinks they have no choice,
when in fact they have 50% of the choice.
in essence we become more than we were at the start of the R. The most attractive self to ourselves and more substantial as an R partner. We outgrow the old R and the WS. We may even re attract a WAS who was dissatisfied rather than wayward. We have our choice.

I believe we neither have to forgive nor forget unless we choose to. However it is best to let go of the resentment as that will cause damage to the self. Often it is necessary to hang on to forgiveness as a protection. Eventually contact with the higher power links to love, when we project love to another despite their failings we are at our best.

Eventually that must come, more in sorrow than in anger. Old Dog, WW is the mother of your children and eventually as the spiritually developed OD is becoming forgiveness will come as it must. WW will no longer be able to deflect her pain, this takes too much energy.

OD, be angry if you must for the time being. I recommend letting your higher power work on releasing your anger and resentment as it may burn you out. let it take over, link to the love in your heart and despite all project it, to yourself as well as WW and your children.

Know this OD, it is ok. When you need to be strong remember these feelings, this time as it is part of your power. Let go but if you wish to stand it is ok you stand for OD.

Dance the best dance

V

[Old Dog]

Now you see I have trouble with all this higher power stuff.

I am an atheist, so god is out of the question straight away and I also struggle with the thought of some 'universal' or inner power.

It is my belief that you are on your own. There is no higher power, it is just you. If you give yourself over to some sort of inner higher power, then that may work, and has indeed been a life saver for many, but you are just following a set of rules such as the 12 steps.

I do have power and I can exercise that power or relinquish it consciously or unconsciously, but it's mine and in alone not some magical mystical ethereal entity.

Anyway, I'm at the kids house now. I don't call this home any longer I hate being here. I've got to sleep in the same bed as she does during the week and I really don't want to, but there is no other bedroom.

I think I may remove all of my remaining clothing when I go back to the flat - and that's not home either. All bar my wedding suit and a leather jacket which she bought me on my birthday a couple of years ago. I can't see me wearing either of those again.

[PigPen]

Maybe just think of the higher power as the part of yourself that sees more than you do with your eyes OD. Like if you look back on your life now and can find coincidences, chance meetings, and/or times when you thought you wanted something and then later realized that you're glad you never got it. And see how they all fit together in a pattern that's just slightly above your rational mind to comprehend or could comprehend at the time.

There's an intelligence to you that doesn't reside in your brain, or upstairs, but is a deeper knowing part of you that you not get to tap into often.'

Maybe that will help. Or just like you said, "I can exercise that power or relinquish it consciously or unconsciously" - when it happens unconsciously, that's what a lot of people describe was work of a higher power. It doesn't have to be outside of yourself.

Also, sorry to hear about your situation, my heart goes out to you.

[Old Dog]

Hey thanks for chipping in PigPen. I understand what your saying however, thinking about it, our unconscious brain doesn't necessarily have the best plan for us. It's our unconscious brain that follows the script that got many of us into this position in the first place.

I have a script. In it I adhere to passive and passive aggressive tendencies as well as others. I am not a leader I am co-dependent. I hate it and understand the only way to alter it is to recognise it, face it and work to change the habits of a lifetime. So it's our conscious brain that has to teach the unconscious one the 'correct' way.

It is soooo dispiriting sometimes and I feel I can't do it, or can't do it alone. There goes that co-dependency alarm. I am seeing a counsellor to try and combat it. But I am impatient too. I have lived this way all my life and I want it to stop. I have also started going to co-dependency anonymous (CoDA UK) once a fortnight. Of course, they follow the 12 steps as an offshoot of AA, so I'm going to have problems with the higher power thing there too.

-----

And on the other topic above, here I am on Saturday morning at the kids and WW's home. Just being here amongst all possessions makes me irritable and angry at the injustice. The kids aren't up yet and I don't display that in front of them anyway: in fact they help me maintain a positive metal attitude - my goodness, I realised it's months since I used that expression. I've felt so down since WW started her affair. Damn her.

[Sotto]

"I think I may remove all of my remaining clothing when I go back to the flat - and that's not home either. All bar my wedding suit and a leather jacket which she bought me on my birthday a couple of years ago. I can't see me wearing either of those again"

Hi OD, I understand what you say in your post about home. I also don't feel I have a home as such right now. Our MH has stopped being my home, and I don't regard my rental flat as home either. I never call it home, just my flat. Now, all of that is a shame - but I am living in a warm, pleasant place with a roof over my head and food in the fridge. That's not such a bad place to be.

WRT your comments about taking stuff above. I think there's some of the passive aggressive coming through in what you propose. Leaving only your wedding suit and a present she bought you. You wouldn't be leaving those because you "won't be wearing them again." You would be leaving them as a kind of silent protest - a message to her that you are unhappy and will leave just those emotionally charged items for her to see. I think if you want to move your stuff, move it, but move it all if that's the case.

Hope you and your boys have a good weekend OD...:-)

[Vanilla]

I am going around agreeing with Toots again!

Take everything, the leather jacket can be eBay item and sold. Dump the wedding suit, in the trash if you want. No statements which are not worthy of you, ok?

Higher power if that is inner power to you so be it. OD I do believe in spirit and inner power. The higher power is that part of you which makes the best choices of all. That power is replenished so for me it is not some mythical deity or being but the combined wisdom of humanity. The following are part of my higher power in no order):

~my family and the love they have for me, particularly glam sis
~my staff and loyal clients who support me
~bestie
~gam-anon
~this board and its posters
~ those who do Ted talks, write books, provide services
~ those who listen and are kind, in the bank yesterday, the doctor, my counsellors
~myself

Oh yes and even poor damaged H, there is much wisdom to be learned

This extends beyond those here now to those who influence from the past, the writers of articles, books, Al Turtle, MWB and many others. An endless continuum from the beginning to time to the end of it. A collective conciousness of higher power of which the inner part is tiny and part of me.

OD it is comforting to know that whatever happens, that power is freely available to you, especially in the days when we struggle.

The way I think of it, Toots, Pg by posting to you are all part of that power helping to replenish your inner pool of power

V

[Old Dog]

WRT your comments about taking stuff above. I think there's some of the passive aggressive coming through in what you propose. Leaving only your wedding suit and a present she bought you. You wouldn't be leaving those because you "won't be wearing them again." You would be leaving them as a kind of silent protest - a message to her that you are unhappy and will leave just those emotionally charged items for her to see. I think if you want to move your stuff, move it, but move it all if that's the case.

Hope you and your boys have a good weekend OD...:-)

Ha ha. Bang on Toots me dear. I was also thinking of shredding her wedding dress :-)

I did think of taking them to the charity shop, but then passive aggressiveness kicked in.

I'm also considering selling my wedding ring which I took of a few months ago.

And thanks both.

[Old Dog]

I realise, I also hate it here because she is not here: she is with the b*****d.