I was just getting ready to walk into my new group counseling session when I received a phone call from my wife. Keep in mind that we haven't talked or seen each other for 5 weeks. I texted her and told her I was at therapy and asked if it was an emergency. She responded that it was not, but said that she was having a breakdown and really wanted to talk. I called her back and she was tearful, sad, and highly upset. She said that she had made a mess out of everything and her life was in shambles. She apologized profusely for her affair and for blindsiding me. She was beside herself with grief, and I let her talk and cry and validated her feelings. This went on for a good 20 minutes, and I asked her if she wanted to have an actual face to face conversation to further the conversation. She did and we met at a restaurant that we used to go to.
We spent 2 hours talking about what happened to our relationship. I owned my part of becoming neglectful and distant, and she explained how she felt alone and vulnerable, and felt like a teenager when OM started romancing her. She told me that she feels ashamed and embarrassed by her actions, but couldn't escape the affair fog that she was in. She was very forthright and detailed, and seemed quite sincere in her apology. She said that she has made such a mess of everything and cannot believe her behavior and actions. She mentioned that she didn't like being single and was just as miserable now as she was when we were together, even though I'm out of the picture now. I let her talk and validated her feelings. I made eye contact and did not pass judgment or express anger.
We talked about our life together and the good times that we had together. She asked about my kids and grandchildren, and got tearful when I caught her up on things. I told her that the one silver lining of our split was allowing me to recognize my faults and work on being a better person. She remarked that I seemed happy and reminded her of the guy I was when we first started dating. Honestly, it was the deepest conversation we have had in years.
We then walked back to her car and hugged. I tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let me. She cried on my shoulder for a long time. I did bring up to her that she was not alone and that she was in a relationship with someone else, and she told me that he only wants to be friends now. She also said that he told her she was "boring and predictable". I let her talk, and told her that I would not use those adjectives to describe her. We hugged s bit longer and then I left. No kisses, no "I love yous", and no groveling on my part. I acknowledged her feelings and validated them, and I also admitted my part in the marriage's demise.
So here I sit, trying to deconstruct what just happened. It seems obvious that she had an argument with OM. By no means do I think that he's out of the picture, but this is the first crack that I have seen in their relationship. I also think that the stress of filing divorce, moving, extra expenses, and stress are finally catching up to her. She is starting to experience real life now, and not this perfect fairy tale. I am not going to read too much into it at this time, but don't want to completely ignore things either. I could really use some advice and guidance from my fellow posters.
One more thing: some of you will remember how hard it was for me not to give her a card or gift on Mothers Day. I have always been good about giving thoughtful gifts to her, and it was a HUGE 180 not doing anything. She mentioned NUMEROUS times that she was devastated and sad that I didn't do anything. Hmmm, seems like you all were right.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/14/1509:19 AM. Reason: Links
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I think you are wise not to read to much into this, although I do think it's a step in the right direction. Good on you for keeping a straight head on your shoulders while meeting her.
Seems like they have had a falling out, and since you're been her rock she need you when things are shaky. I think your 180 really worked, and made an impression on her how life would be without you.
I'm very new to this but I think I would continue to be firm on showing in actions what life would be without you, but also be a friendly ear up to a point.
Think you're doing great! Fingers crossed for you! Hug! (Yes, I'm a hugger..)
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Hope this is the start of something better for you. Again, as Tulo said, it might just be an argument, but it might be that she has realised what she is throwing away and re-thinking.
Don't give up hope!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I don't know if I did well or not, but I can honestly say that I gave it my best shot. We ran into each other at the gym this morning. Cordial conversation, but nothing in depth. She went to her house to shower afterward, and I showered at the gym and went to work.
My dilemma now is what to do next, and what not to do. I ansolutely do not want to persue, and I do not want to read too much into this. My initial thoughts are to remain dark, and let her initiate further contact. I have plans the next few nights, and I will keep those plans.
Whatever is going on in her life, she needs to deal with. I DO NOT want to become a friend or shoulder to cry on if she is having problems with her OM relationship.
Thoughts???
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Way to go with being a firm loving non judgmental rock. I am so proud of you!
I bet your head is spinning.
I would take it slowly - yes I think the cracks are showing in her fantasy. I would remain a strong loving but distant presence. She knows where to find you.
Obviously what you have been doing is working. I would do to us to be cordial and polite and see what happens.
Don't give in - she may just be temp checking - you really have no idea what is going on within her head.
Yes my head is spinning. This was totally unexpected.
I'm not gonna lie. A tiny part of me wanted to say "I told you so" to her, but of course I didn't.
She made the comment "I never thought I would be divorced at this stage in my life" again. I didn't say anything, but looked at her with an arched eyebrow and my head cocked to the side. She immediately started crying and said "yes, I know it's all my doing". I let her cry.
You're right, it is your doing.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Kramer, I think you did great, especially considering that it was unexpected and you didn't have any time to prepare. Stick to doing the things that got you here.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I'm sure that her "breakdown" is a result of fight with OM, the stress and chaos with her kids living at the house, and my detachment. Could be nothing more than temp checking or trying to use me as a shoulder to cry on.
I'm not going to try and read too much into it, but I'm not gonna lie...it felt good.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
