Tlee, you are not the source of the pain. And yes, let her go, what else can you do? Take the focus on yourself, and become the best man you can be. Be the draw. Do not give up hope, but this is the time for you. You have a rough road ahead of you, but it is one you must travel. Look forward to it, you will grow in the ways you never thought possible. You will receive gifts that money cannot buy, just have faith.
You are doing well buddy. And there are great things ahead...
"She came here, because I wanted her to. It was her choice, but i still pushed it. Why am I so dumb. I had her calling me all the time and texting me daily. Yet I push things too quickly and now its awkward. I completely disagree with what she's doing and where she's staying but I always push things way too quickly because its what I, ME, T wants. Not necessarily what she wants."
Dear TLEE, this assumes there was a right thing you could have done that would have given you the outcome you wanted. Ok, fine, maybe you're like me and you're pushy. I'm sure it's annoying to live with. But it's not grounds for divorce by itself. She didn't have to come back. She made her choice. Why are you still trying to take responsibility for it all?
Something that has resonated with my heart (after it stung) - when someone wants to be with you, they will be. No excuses.
But ok. Let's say there was a magic DR spell you'd hit upon and your wife was moving back to you. It required you being not just changed-for-the-better TLEE, but inauthentic, nervous, a hollow shell of you to execute. What then? For how long?
I liked myself plenty when I met my H. I liked myself so much, he fell head over heels for me. I was twice as 'assertive,' sure footed, and I was twice as happy, too. I was full of color.
Throughout the course of our M, I've felt worn down and not good enough. All the things I liked about me upset him, left him dissatisfied and disappointed in the end, my strong points turned as attacks against my character. I wasn't gentle enough. I wasn't considerate enough of his thoughts he wasn't expressing. I 'pushed' when I could see he wasn't into something. I 'went too fast' for him, he 'couldn't keep up'. I was 'never satisfied'. I have started changing what needed a little tune up. But you know what? Neither you nor I need a personality overhaul. Translated - I am strong, respectfully assertive, I get my goals accomplished and I know exactly what I want to go after next. I forgot. I like these things about me.
What have you forgotten you liked about you??
You say your W isn't a solider. My H used to tell me he wasn't one of my athletes, or students, or employees. Well, fine. There was some validity in our spouses saying what they did. I am sure.
But YOU are valid, good, a being with a shining light just as you are. Her absence does not mean that you are not all of those things. Her absence doesn't mean that you're wrong or dumb or not worth loving and pursuing. You are. Just as you are.
I have a wonderful friend who reminds me, and I offer it to you - "you can make no wrong decisions. You are always just as you should be, where you should be, and making the best decision you can at the time."
Respect yourself for your journey to this point!
You can't control her actions or feelings about you, even if you DR perfectly.
You see yourself in my H. I see myself in you. I worked my a$$ off to show that I could change, I could be softer, less reactive (and I was), and my H came home - despite all of his verbal and emotional abuse, the physical intimidation - at the end of the day he just didn't have the heart for me anymore or desire to work on the marriage. And like you, I was wrecked twice as bad as when he left the first time. It was my couch and I was going to cry on it all day if I felt like it.
You reached out to me when I said I was happy, and I know it sounded like I was all over the place and going off my rocker. But each day I get happier, more at peace with the fact that (and I hope you will see this in your sitch, too) a R IS work - but I deserve to be with someone who wants to put in the work, also. I can't inspire that at a deep level - or beyond a momentary fleeting thing - if it's not in them.
TLEE, I'd hug you if I could. You are not my H; you WANTED your M, you are still standing for it. You are trying to change. That is the defining difference, despite whatever similarities you see. You are serious about you and your growth. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you need to. Offer yourself compassion.
If your W was to come back to your M yet again, would it erase the pain and insecurity? You can do that for yourself, without her. I promise. I tried the acupuncture 'tapping' thing and it helped if you want to google it.
Isn't that DR? We make our changes? Get happy? We give it our best shot, and heal (change, forgive ourselves) so we can enjoy our lives? It's not a method to repairing a M. It's only the best shot.
You are whole without your W; I know it doesn't feel that way. But you need her like a fish needs a bicycle.
I know that the biggest grief stems from feeling like we were fools, 'dumb' as you say, like we did the wrong things, lost the most beautiful love, said the wrong things, singlehandedly destroyed our M...but you know this isn't true!!!
You are TLEE and that is a good thing. You will love again (maybe your W, maybe not) and you'll be happy. Life is about so much more, and I'd grab you off that couch if I could
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Vapo: Thank you, I am looking forward to the road ahead, and am growing in ways I never thought imaginable. The way I see it, if this didnt happen now, and were still together, I wouldnt have learned the countless things I have since this all started and it has made me a better, and more importantly, humble and less selfish person.
Z: Wow, thank you for that. Someone else told me once that I havent forgiven myself for what happened, and she's right. I know WAW had her faults too, but I havent gotten over what I did, those things that your H did and I regret everyday. At some point I have to look past it and forgive myself, and continue to learn from it.
Originally Posted By: Zelda09
Throughout the course of our M, I've felt worn down and not good enough. All the things I liked about me upset him, left him dissatisfied and disappointed in the end, my strong points turned as attacks against my character. I wasn't gentle enough. I wasn't considerate enough of his thoughts he wasn't expressing.
This actually bothered me..not a bad way..but she said the exact same things. That all the things she used to do that I told her I loved, started to bother me in the end. That she just constantly felt not good enough and etc et. Ironically, I miss all the things that "bothered me" more than anything now. But not too much use dwelling on it too much now, just keep charging ahead (I say charge, its more like a...low crawl at this point). ---------------
So stealing a page from Mozza.
Work: Still going really well. Ive learned that it must be a trait among leaders in the military because there all dicks when it comes to being compassionate about family stuff because they really don't care about my personal life, more...can you work. But Im still fast-tracking my career, due to take command of an Infantry Company very shortly and alot of my peers are jealous/unhappy because Ive been put ahead of alot of them for these positions, so it makes it..awkward at work but [censored] that, I worked hard to get it so screw you. Idk if I'm going to take it though, but conversation for another day..Not sure if this life is what makes me happy, despite how good I think I may be at it.
GAL: Umm...yea...still not much in this area. I do 1 of 4 things everyday. Work, Workout, play video games, or take the dogs out. But right now, Im ok with it. The biggest thing I miss is really talking to girls. Not to date or anything, but I work with all guys, and have zero human contact with the opposite sex so its just a big sausage fest everyday so its just weird sometimes like girls don't exist.
WAW: This is still all over the place. So bullet point style-
- She posted an emotional 10min video on her blog, just saying how bottom line, she just cant get over the hurt and the pain from everything and now she's on a journey to find herself and prove to herself that she can do things on her own - Texts me frequently and tells me she's overwhelmed, crying all the time, super emotional, and how she wants to call and talk to me but doesnt know what to say. - Talks about being lonely all the time and how she has no one to talk to (????) - Says she cant think about fixing this M right now because she's not over the pain and what not - Apologized that she is dragging me with her on this journey to find herself (????)
Theres not much to do here...these things really...just thinking about them, have been said for a while. I truly believe she does need to do this on her own, but on her own, is very..."intertwined (thanks C)", with how things are with me. I can only just keep validating her, empathizing etc etc and see what happens. Maybe its just me being dumb, but I can truly see how much she is stressed and overwhelmed with everything and really just cant seem to find solid ground. This is where I want to just step in and tell her steps A-Z to do to fix things but by now I know it wont work.
Oh, MCS, ironically Broken Together came on the radio while she was driving one day and she gets broken up about it now. Guess the big man upstairs has pretty good timing. (This song still gets me every time =/
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
there is plenty of time for change. Take that challenge become a man only a fool would leave.
I go round agreeing with Toots, now its with Z. There are women like Z, Gg and V who have been badly abused and who still have the capacity to forgive.
Please understand that some forms abuse can be forgiven, neglect being one. In this I agree with Z, in this we look at intention, some abusers deliberately abuse, others do so because it profits them. However, this type are largely unable to change, they are willful and lack love and respect. They are unable to adjust and do not feel the need to change. Tlee this is NOT you. The best you can do is change and grow for yourself, you have made an amazing start in this change.
You are standing for your M. This is a wonderful thing for you to do for yourself. I think you are on point here with your validating and leaving the path home smooth.
I wholly agree with Z and she has wonderful insight through personal experience.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/16/1507:32 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Just wanted to comment on your post about work. I work in military development of systems and most of the folks I work with are in the leadership levels (O-5 and above) very much understand work life balance. The O-6 I directly support took me aside when my sitch all started and said "We're here for you, take your time" He called my boss and tried to arrange to get me some help with my daily activities so I didn't need to stress out at work (this of course stressed me out.)
I guess what I'm saying is a "Leader" can have different attributes than a great soldier. Empathy is definitely one trait that is often overlooked, but its a great trait to help build loyalty.
___________
Yeah, that song definitely will affect me for the rest of my life. I read something from the writer and he said that it was about how now-a-days we build this fairy tale of what marriage should be and when it doesn't go that way, we struggle to figure out what to do. Everyone on this board obviously understands what they desire for their marriage. Its a shame that some of our spouses don't see the outcome of all of the work we do on ourselves throughout the sitch.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
...I see in the sunrise, I see in the rain... I see in the laughter... I see in the pain...
Tlee, you love the maker and the maker loves you!
I know you are a faithful man, and a faithful person myself, I admire you for that.
It's time to put your life, emotions, and goal together. Your W told you with all the words what she wants to do. Your sitch looks a lot better then many of our sitchs around here.
There is a lot of hope for healing. Give it the time it's needed. Now, you can see how guilty you are, but with time everything will settle down and you start remembering that in a marriage it's almost always 50/50 because we always react to what the other person does, we have expectations and we react to those too.
Things will get better, like others said, take one day at a time. Feel sad, cry if you need to, allow yourself to feel the pain. Once it is done, then stand up and do something to improve yourself and your life.
How to meet people: If you don't have a friend yet to go out for a drink, or dance. Then maybe you need to start checking out your local churches and maybe join one, get involved with some of the activities they have.
Libraries have some clubs going on sometimes, or maybe you can find a support group somewhere. Go to some concerts, you never know what can happen.
Now it is summer, you have dogs. Try to do the same walk many times, go to dog parks, today I saw a nice looking guy with a big smile walking a gorgeous dog, he said Hi three times and had a big smile in his face. It was adorable.
Depression may hit you hard, it happen to me. I always tough that I was tough, but this one put me in a big hole, so I went to my doctor and start on some AD. It is not a lot, it just breaks the edge, but it is a life saver for me to function every day.
If you don't see all the improvement you want in this first month, don't bother yourself with limitations. It's a process and the more you do it the better you will feel and the more you will do it.
By the way, you say you work out, are you going to the gym? And if you go, how do you not see any girls? If you are working on your own, then start going to the gym when you can. After a few times, you start talking to people and then you can go out for a drink, coffee, lunch.
And even at work, there are no one that you talk sometimes? Maybe you chat a little and with no pressure ask what they are up to on a weekend maybe?
The point is that everything start somewhere. And please, get rid of those video games. They are great if you play with a friend for some quick fun. But playing by yourself is just wasting your time.
Instead, read some books of self improvement. The name "5 Love Languages" normally shows on these boards because it is a very good book to read and learn from.
The most difficult thing for me is the "Detachment". And I really believe it is hard for everybody. Start working on that, it will save you so much energy and avoid so many future mistakes.
How much did you read from the DR or DB? Did you read the Sandi's 37 rules? If you did are you following that? Did you make a list of things you like or love about yourself? Did you make a list of things, behaviors, you hate about yourself? Can you start writing a plan of how are you going to work on things that you want to change about yourself? You see, there is a lot of work ahead of you.
And what about an IC, are you seeing one right now? Can you go to one outside the military?
And please, do not beat yourself up because of the military stuff. It's admirable that you are willing to make a career about always working to save us all, to protect our good life in this country. You should instead always be proud because your strong character.
You are a beautiful man and have many qualities to be proud of yourself and that is why your W wants to work on herself. She needs to walk her own path, let her go and do her things to improve herself. Be her friend, be there when she needs you, just do all these things in a dBing way.
And post here everyday, listen to the advices, follow the ones you think feets for you.
You will be alright. And please, never say you are alone, that you don't want to wake up tomorrow. Remember, he will be there for you even when everyone left, when all lights go dark, when the water is revolting, he is always with you and he loves you.
When you have time, start posting to other people, it helps you too.
Hope your silence is just because you are busy at work. If not, please keep posting and share the load with us. I promise you will feel better if you spill out here.
Besides, we can all gather together to find some good advice for you. Remember that we care and that you are a very valuable person, even when you don't feel that way.
I am praying for God to give you peace in you heart and wisdom to see that tomorrow it is another day and another chance.
Thanks Calibri, was just getting a little worry since the last posts from T were somewhat disturbing.
Military guys are very tough to some jobs but they are very sensitive to other stuff in life, they are educated to have the job done right, what in a real life it is not the case and their heads get all mix up. I have a brother in the air force.
