I dont think i am detaching correctly. How do i detach when i still live with W and we see each other everyday?
I am in the same sitch. Living under the same roof, and until last week, in the same BR (separate beds). I only kicked my W out of the BR a week ago. That helped a little. Honestly, I don't know how well I am doing at it.
Detaching is not just a physical act - i.e. moving somewhere else and having no contact. It is emotional, too. Probably more emotional than physical. It means not reacting to and not feeling the brunt of your Ws behaviors. This can be achieved by minimizing contact in the house - true. But it can also be achieved by focusing on the other things in your life: Your child, your job, GAL activities. The more immersed you are in these other activities, the better you feel about yourself, the less your Ws actions will impact you. Making a conscious decision to act "as if" will also go a long way. lead with your behaviors, not your feelings.
Sorry you are here, but you are not alone, my friend.
Thank you, Sandi2 for taking the time to help with my sitch. I re read your post about detaching a couple more times and i feel like i have a better grasp of it.
We will be painting and redoing carpet.
W does not say thank you or show any appreciation. Sometimes she will get irritated if i forget to do something. E.g i forgot to bring S2's socks down and she rolled her eyes and sighed like i did it on purpose. Yesterday i kept telling myself to just do things for me and only if i want to do it. NOT for her, but sometimes i forget out of habit.
In regards to our sitch with S2 the other day, I did go upstairs to tell W that i was just letting her know how i felt about the situation. I told her what i thought was going on based on what she told me. I explained to her how I interpreted the situation. I also told her that i cant force her to do anything or change her ways, but i can communicate my concerns and thoughts to her. I told her i thought she was wrong in how she handled it and walk out of the room. I was really calm the entire time.
W has agreed to 50/50 custody. We'll see how that goes.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
So yesterday, W and I discussed separating the finances and custody of S2. We were both very calm throughout the talk. W looked like she was tearing up a little. I stayed calm and confident acting as if i am moving on with life. We agreed to split custody of S2 50/50. We agreed to split finances and such. W has looked over the paperwork and she is in the process of filling it out. She will fill it out and i will look over it to see if i agree before she files. For some reason i feel at peace with the sitch right now. I dont know if i have accepted the sitch or what but i dont feel as bad as i thought i would. W seemed a little sad, and went to bed early last night. Im not sure where to go or what to do from here. I guess just keep working on myself and GAL. Still learning how to detach as well.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Thank you, RAI. Yes, its been tough, but yesterday i felt i did a decent job of detaching during our discussion about custody and finances. The D is getting more real, but i feel like i am becoming better at responding to all of this. its nice to know that we have others going through the same sitch. take care and thanks for the support RAI!
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
one more thing......during our discussion last night W stated that "i will have an easier time finding someone else, than she will." I told her that Im not even thinking of that at this point and that it doesnt matter to me. W said it two separate times during our discussion. What do you vets think about that statement?
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Update-i've been away for a few days. needed a break from here. i hope everyone is doing better. Things have been better with W. Mother's day was good. Went to brunch with Ws family and it we had a good time. W called later to ask if i wanted to go to dinner with her and her Mom, but i declined because i had to take down the TVs for the painters(not sure if Mom wanted me to go to dinner or W, but it doesn't matter). We split our finances last week and i opened up my own checking account. I also took our S2 to Legoland with his cousin and Uncle, and I shared a few pictures with W when i dropped S2 off with her for dinner. W has been nicer and she has initiated conversation with me. W told me about her day yesterday and even asked about my day. We our currently getting the inside of our house painted and carpet replaced this week, in order to sell it. Since the kitchen cannot be used, W asked if we could just go out to eat, which i agreed, but we just ended up picking up food and taking it back. I have continued to stay clear of W while at home. I stay in the other room and I will spend time with S2 by taking him on walks, to the park, and to play at his cousin's. Over the past 3 days, W has been more talkative with me. I have been reaching some of my short term goals lately:
1. go out with brother and cousin 2. workout 2-3 week 3. cook and do my own laundry 4. spend more time with S2 (i have always been the one to do more with S2, as W doesnt like to go outside, but i want to get as much time with him before we go 50/50) 5. W ask me about my day 6. W tells me about her day 7. W ask me to go out to dinner 8. w ask about how i am doing 9. join a social group (haven't done yet) 10. meditate 11. go grocery shopping Overall, things have been good. i do wake up daily thinking about my sitch, but everyday it seems to be less and less time that i think about it. btw, W has had D papers for a while and she has stated that she is filling it out, but that was two weeks ago. Is he stalling or is she unsure?? I know i still have a long way to go, but looking back at where i started, i feel like i have made progress. I have read and reread so many posts from Sandi2, Cadet, Wonka, and 25.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Went to IC yesterday, and she told me to tell W that i still want to work on our marriage instead of detaching. I had informed her about this website and she stated that it might be a good idea to let W know that i still want to be married to her. I explained that i have been detaching and trying to improve myself by GAL. I feel really good about things today. I still wake up thinking about how things could be better and how i will miss my family together, but i am also happy with where i have come from since BD. I am worried about how i am going to feel when i move out and when we actually sell the house. I guess i am afraid of the feelings it will bring, but i have learned to try to become more comfortable with the uncomfortable. put one foot in front of the other......
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Went to IC yesterday, and she told me to tell W that i still want to work on our marriage instead of detaching. I had informed her about this website and she stated that it might be a good idea to let W know that i still want to be married to her.
If your IC is not familiar with the principles MWD teaches, then you are likely to get mixed messages. Based on what was said about detaching, she (or you) do not understand the DB concept of it.
Are you discussing your M with this IC, or your anger?
Do you think your W doesn't know you had rather stay M to her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, Sandi2 for all the support! I was only to give a quick overview of the principles of MWD because our session was cut short. I have been discussing my M with my IC as well as my anger, which i am continuing to work on. When I mentioned some of the principles, my IC was open to it, and I will be telling her more about it next week.
In regards to detaching, I believe that i do have a good handle on what to do, especially with W's recent actions. W has been more talkative lately, she has asked about my day, and she even told me to have a good day. She texts me throughout the day, although most of if is about S2 or the house, but its a start . W even suggested sleeping in the same room because our house is getting painted, but she ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room. I dont know if W's actions and words are something to get excited about, but its a small step forward. She is still full steam ahead about selling the house, and I have been trying really hard not to "drag" my feet like i did when i found out she wanted to sell. I don't know if W is happy to be moving on or she is happy that i am changing. Oh well, I have to keep reminding myself that this is for me and not for her.
I know my W knows that I'd rather stay with her, so I am not going to tell her again. She knows. I don't want to pursue!
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
. W even suggested sleeping in the same room because our house is getting painted, but she ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room. I dont know if W's actions and words are something to get excited about, but its a small step forward. She is still full steam ahead about selling the house, and I have been trying really hard not to "drag" my feet like i did when i found out she wanted to sell. I don't know if W is happy to be moving on or she is happy that i am changing. Oh well, I have to keep reminding myself that this is for me and not for her.