Strangers?? Me and Nim?? I don't think so! Gosh, that's interesting advice from your solicitor RD. He sounds like a wise friend. And he regrets his D every day for 22 years - that's so sad isn't it. For sure, it isn't worth making early or hasty decisions about D. Not suggesting that you are doing that at all....
RD, have you read much stuff about female MLC? Some of the stuff by Jim and Sally Conway might be useful to read. Also, is your W going through menopause just now? I have found reading some MLC stuff really useful. Not that it justifies my H ongoing behaviour, but it helps me understand better.
It sounds like your W may be headed for a financial crisis RD. What's your plan there if she seeks help from you? Also, my comment on OM is he sounds like a lost soul himself. And W sounds more like a 'carer' for him than anything else (tho the overnight thing is concerning obviously..) But when I read about your pros and cons it almost looks to me that she has replaced care for the family (which she wasn't coping well with - with care for him?)
Just take it slow and steady RD - no sudden moves - but maybe a little RD centric GAL?? xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots Yes W is going through menopause for the last 18 months W has also said she thinks she is going through MLC or a breakdown.
W has had a lot of problems due to menopause and ones that would not encourage an active sex life.
Also L/C has told me that's drunks like OM have had years of councelllors are are able to pick up on unhappy people and get them on their side as it were
All this started when W told me she no longer want a sex life but wanted us to remain a married couple and grow old together. I did not handle the sitch well at all and basically told her that we should split
Toots , I am very hung up on OM and that put the nail in the coffin for me I'm not able to get over it so I must move on. I have tried to see it through a neutrals eyes and some days I can but going forward Im not sure I can mange my trust issues with anyone.
I will look for the books you suggested and thank you. I have my circle of advisers that help me and all of them are telling me to stand for the M I will give it the month and see what I'm feeling then
Re the financial side it's very difficult because W is the mother of my kids and was My best friend for a long time I suppose I will be there as best I can
Hi RD. I had missed or forgotten the detail about your W not wanting sex. I don't know exactly what you did to not handle it well, but that is a bleak perspective from my viewpoint. So if W were to snap out of her crisis, are you hoping you two will carry on in a sexless M? I'm not judging, just asking what you are hoping for.
Hi Sunny. W has since said she analyised herself and feels the sex thing was because she had convinced herself that I didn't love her. She has a degree in psychology and is now putting it to use ? Since S20 was born W had a low sex drive and now with menopause I think the sex thing was maybe off the cards for a while due to various body issues such as weak bladder and the like ( don't want to get too descriptive !!
Hi Sweet Rd, finally got updated on your posts too. I am becoming so bad in posting. Hope that when kids are out of this crazy end of school time, things will be a little more normal.
You are being stubborn Rd...I am pretty much black and white, but to be a woman only a fool would leave, I need to learn how to be a little gray or rainbow sometimes.
You are not sure if your W is with OM or not, then do some investigation. I will tell you, it hurts, but you at least get out of the dark. Don't fight ghosts that will take you to scary places. If you can't do the search yourself, then get a private investigator. No one needs to know this. Just you.
If you can do, then plan ahead and think about how you could find out what is she up to. Let's say you go to her place late at night one day, when she is not expecting. You can have some whatever excuse, but you can do the checking.
It's nonsense to hurt for something that you don't know for sure. I did, it's wrong, it hurts, it's not DB but I know myself and I like to see with my own eyes to believe.
Jim's point of view is very interesting. It makes you think that you may have a point w/OM or it is all in your reading minds, between lines, insecurities, jealousy, and whatever. But because you feel this way, doesn't make her guilty of doing it.
My EX H's aunt almost finish her M during her menopause. She went crazy, very depressed and she felt like she was the ugliest woman on earth. The couple S for awhile and then her H decided to help her. They are together now and they are happy.
And, why don't you talk with her. Does she knows you don't want this S or D? Does she knows she can talk to you about your R? Does she knows she can talk to you about her real issues?
There are so many unanswered question in your sitch. Maybe we collaborate for this. During this whole time we have been impressed with your kindness towards your W and your strength to be the single parent for your kids.
The truth is that now you have the challenge to face your sitch and find out what is what in there. You are obviously tired, maybe even exhausted. I know because I need to deal with it all every day. Please RD, settle down a bit, think a little more about all what is going on.
You mention mental illness, is there any other case that is similar in her family? You mention the sexual side of it, well, menopause is known for destroying a lot of M. Some women have a very hard time while on this menopause roller coaster.
Did you ever talk to her about MC? Is she willing to work on the M? Could you make a consultation with one of the DB coach and get some more direction in what could you try in your specific situation?
And besides all the above, now you may understand why some adult GAL needs to be in place, even when you need to force yourself to do it at first. Your head is boiling w/crying children, preparing meals, cleaning house, running a business, listening to WAW, writing on this forum. You really need to give yourself some fresh air, some few hours just for RD.
You are a fantastic nice and caring person, so be that person to yourself once in a while. Life full of obligations and none of fun is a desert without rain, it will make you tired, then thirsty, then weak and it will kill you eventually.
Please RD, as much as I would love to be Mrs RD one day, it for sure needs to be with a guy in one piece. Try everything you can, fight for your family and for your M. Work on your mental health too. I don't hear RD goes to the gym to release those good chemicals in your brain to make you happier. You will need to take care after yourself and let wife be.
You may talk to her, and you probably know how, about many issues or you may decide to let things happen. But you don't need to give up just now. Your future life will be better if you exhaust all your choices before throwing the towel.
Hey RD, today I feel better. Not miserable like many other times. I am feeling pretty and there is some peace inside of me today. So, today I will seat down and you can lay your head and your troubles on my lap. You can cry and let go the hurt, the wounds that are pushing you down. Time to time, I think we need to seat with our pain and let it hit hard, because when we are done, we are a bit stronger.
So the whole crew here also wants to read about your GAL PLANS for the next few days. It does not need to be lady related (I am kind of jealous. But remember that the man you make happy today is the man that will be and feel happy tomorrow. And when I arrive in Ireland some of these days, I want to meet that happy man.
A huge hug to you and a big kiss. Smile, life can be fun.
Hi Pink. Thanks for the kind post. Lots to post but I will try to keep it short
Last night D16 was at an award ceremony to recieve an award for French. It was held in the second biggest university in Ireland and s16 did not tell his mum we were going until last week When I got home to collect them to go W was.very upset that she wasn't going. When we left D10 was looking beautiful in her dress and S16 looking handsome in his uniform. I wore a dark blue suit that does look ok on me W burst into tears as we where leaving and told me a looked good
We went with D10' and it was a wonderful and inspiring evening. I really felt for W because it was somewhere she shoul have been When we got home W was watching a film with S20 and D14 was very upset because W has texted someone and told D14 it was Ws sister. D14 could see it wasn't. ( wasn't OM either) so called W a liar. S16 was very proud and showed W his medal and certificate. W asked me how it was and I told her fantastic I do appreciate she was. Sad she missed it so I got changed and went into front room for twenty mins before I went to bed. I said goodnight to S20 and W but she did not reply.
This morning I took D14 /and S16 to school as D10 was off today W called me about 11am and I was working on a forklift so couldn't take the call. I called her back 20 mins later and she was crying She said I was angry with her over D14 and the text. I said I wasn't but obviously I didn't like to see D14 upset and in future could she not text while with D14. She then told me she couldn't handle it all anymore and she was going back to the UK to live with her mum and dad.
I said ok and I would supply plane tickets once a mo th for her to visit kids for a weekend if that's what she wants. She then said her doctor had asked her to go on antidepressants as doc was worried about her. I offered to pay for her to see an I/C She then told me she had been talking to the smaritians because of her dark thoughts. She went on to say she had a terrible life now and felt she had nothing to live for.
I told her that she had to do what was best for her There was more talk but nothing important just more along the same lines.
So it seems lawyer not needed at the moment but we will see. Very tough to hear after yesterday's great day.
Pink. No private eye needed and W tells me she spends time with him so unless I catch them in bed ( which I couldn't handle ) he could spend every night at her flat Best to lleave that one as it a no win
I'm not to bad about them now but it does put an end to any R for me
RD love knows no bounds. Love forgives, it is central to our core. Love endures and RD has his family and a life of his own.
Rad cares greatly for those he brings to his heart. I understand this very well.
All the analysis of WW, is she or is she not with OM?
This prize specimen clearly provides WW with something she needs. I fear its weed and addiction. RD is clean living and at the opposite end of the spectrum from this truly revolting OM and his scuzzy behaviour.
RD would you have WW back at any price?
If that price were monetary and lack of a physical R? Is that a price you would pay?
Loving, soft daft RD.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Why do you insist in ignoring her so much? She is begging your attention and caring, why you can't try at least once to let your guard down and see her as the friend, wife and mother of your children at least for one only time?
She needs antidepressants, this is an excellent start point in the right direction. You could seat down with her, even in the pretense you care for her as the mother of your children, wants to see her happy in her life, etc.
Then you could talk to her about the medications, talk very serious about the implications of her using antidepressants and driving, taking the right dosage, being around the kids, using weed and maybe some alcohol.
You can even tell her at some point that if she messes up with this then you will get a court order and she can't see the kids no more.
Maybe you can offer to go to the doctor with her, just to make sure she is really looking for help and just be there for her.
I know, I know... it's RD doing the heavy lift, but I read a story here, about a guy that stood beside his wife while she was with someone else and eventually she realized that all she needed and wanted was right beside her.
You being angry at her is not resolving anything. Take this opportunity that she is willing to take the antidepressants and start there. In 7 to 10 days the meds kicks in full effect and then she may get better.
She needs a friend better then the one she is having now, why not to be that friend for her? Maybe she is not coming back after you help her, but 1st you will know you did what you could and 2nd you are helping the mom of your kids.
Congrats for your S16. I am so lucky that my S15 is also taking French and sometimes I need to help him with the vocab. Ahg.
THERE IS JOY IN THE WELL OF GOD'S HEART FOR YOU TODAY - AND THE BEST BUCKET TO RETRIEVE IT WITH IS THE ONE THAT SAYS, "GIVE".
Wow, Pink, I have to say you surprised me with this one. From my viewpoint, RD has listened, supported, been the shoulder to cry on again and again and again. He's only recently stepped back a bit. I don't know how he did it that long, it's way past what I could have tolerated. I'm not saying your viewpoint isn't valid, Pink. I just didn't see it the same way.
RD, maybe moving back to her mom and dad is a good solution for her now. They can be the support she needs, it gets her away from OM, and gives you a break. I love your generous spirit in offering to fly her back to see the kids, you are a true jewel.
