H just came home, walked into my bedroom, sat on bed and just vented about work and how stressed he is. Ended up chatting for hour. Mostly H talking and me sympathizing. Always did this throughout his entire schooling. Maybe he will start to remember that support and that our M wasn't always so bad.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Not going to lie, Zues. I have recently had fleeting thoughts of giving up on M, but I quickly bounce out of it. Mostly, because I don't like this current version of H, but realize he us not himself right now. Just having hard time with the lies.
Need to just focus primarily on me this week.
Just remember, if you gave up and left it would end the 'limbo'...but you'd have to go through a HUGE grieving process. You are grieving now anyway...you might still be fully detached and ok again in the same time frame whether you give up or not. Point is, there is no rule that says you'll go through more pain by DBing, or that you'll be done suffering quicker if you give up. In fact, I think we on DB forums get healthier, stronger, and faster than those who cut and run.
You're not sticking it out for him...you're doing it for you. So you can be the person you want to be. That's even more important than whether he can pull his $hit together.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Question about engaging with H. Last night when H came into room to vent about how stressed he is with work, he clearly was coming to me for emotional support. As I said, I listened, sympathized and engaged in conversation. It seemed like the natural thing to do. I acted as friend. I think this is a good thing to help redevelop emotional connection. However, if H is likely still cake-eating this is probably not a good thing, right? It is allowing him to get some needs met by me, so I am allowing to be part of the cycle. He seems to be coming to me more and more in this way and want to make sure I am not exasperating cake eating.
However, if I do not respond he will not come to me to engage and thinks I am mad and we do not have moment of connection. How should I handle these attempts by H to engage if there is active A? This morning I tried to be pleasant, but kept to myself and he asked if I was grumpy. I said no not at all. He seemed thrown off. I am having hard time with being happy, cheerful and engaged with acting as if I am moving on. Can someone give me advise please.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
It sounds to me like you are asking whether it matters what you say or do.
IMHO it does not matter, except with YOUR detachment.
If you can remain detached with no expectations then nothing you say or do is going to make his crisis go any faster. He will stop being depresses when he CHOOSES to. Likely a long time from now. However if what you are doing continues to keep you attached to him then you are prolonging the PAIN and I suggest you 180 that.
I don't know if you have read the Detachment thread over on the MLC Forum, but I'm putting the link here. I think you would gain more knowledge on how to proceed with conversations and actions if you read the thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I have read it about 20 times and I still struggle with the concept of detachment. I think this is because I am focusing on the concept of physical detachment. So, as long as I keep myself emotionally detached and have no expectations, then my interactions and conversations with H are ok? I guess I am a little slow in this regard!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
well, yes, the more my H engages with me, the easier it is to start feeling attached again. I do need to work on that. I need to focus on staying detached regardless of what he says and does, even the positive.
Last edited by BW05; 05/19/1506:34 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Woot woot! Impromptu GAL. Came home from walking dog. H was sitting at kitchen table on work laptop just back from work. I was friendly but slightly detached. I chatted for 5 mins, went upstairs and changed, came back downstairs and said I was going out. H tried to hide it, but could tell he was ruffled. Went to grab dinner and now at Starbucks. Feel empowered.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
