I wish he would act more like my husband instead of a friend. But I guess that is a start. I will continue with my detaching and not pursue him and let him pursue me.
Hello Hopeful,
Yes, please continue with your detaching and let him pursue you. It's not easy, but you can do it.
Happy Mother's Day.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thank you so much for replying. I will continue with detaching. I have joined a support group and it has helped alot. I am telling myself to take advantage of this time and do something for myself.
I am confused if I am the WAW or LBS. I asked him to move out so we both can get our act together.
Can someone tell me which one I am?
What I will say is that it is not unusual for the LBS to become a WAS, that is really part of the script that seems to play out here.
It really doesn't matter tbh, you need to focus on yourself, and become the best you can possibly be. Then when you are fully whole and healed worry about a new relationship, with whom ever YOU choose!
My husband and I are going to marriage counseling and she suggested that he moves back in so we can work on our marriage. A part of me agrees however another part does not agree. I haven't seen any changes from my husband and I mentioned this to him because it is my concern. He told me if he didn't move back in, how will I see his changes.
My H and I have MC appt today and I am nervous. He wanted this, but I did tell him if that was going to be an hour of us bashing each other then lets forget it or if this is going to be how to work on our marriage then I am in. So I made the appt. The reason why I am so nervous about our session today is because we both took this compatibility test and I am scared she is going to say we are not compatible. He asked me what would I do if she said that and I told him that I was still working on the marriage because someone is not going to tell me that I am not compatible with someone else. I asked him what he would do and he said he would cross that bridge when it happens. I told him if he truly wanted a divorce then grab his ba11$ and tell me and he said that he did not want a divorce. But in my gut I don't believe him. I did send him an article that I found in a Psychology Today magazine about compatibility. I'm not sure if he read it but this is what is said:
Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn't something you have. It's something you make. It's a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It's a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work
My H is having knee surgery tomorrow and he is planning to stay at home because I will be taking him to surgery. I told him after surgery he had two options, he could stay at the house and I can take care of him there or I can stay with him at his place. He said he preferred to stay at his place because we had stairs, which I agreed with him. However, he told me that he appreciate me wanting to care for him but he would be okay. And I left at that.
Hopeful, I've never read your sitch before that I can remember.
You seem very controlling, not just in what he does, but in how the relationship should be viewed. This goes back to post one (from round two) where you tell him what he has to do as a parent, then get upset for him not saying thanks for a gift he didn't ask for. It extends to your last post telling him what he can and can't do in counseling, trying to define for him how compatibility works, and a disdainful comment about how he needs to communicate with you if he wants to end things.
The problem with DB is that if you think reading this makes you wiser, your opinions more valid...and that since he doesn't know the 'interpersonal relationship rules' he's just immature, or flat out wrong- well that won't get you anywhere. The whole point of this is you being a leader to bridge the difference. Many M's are saved with one spouse leading the R.
I read about how your H said he loved you and hated you at the same time, how he avoided you and the kids. Prior to BD my STBX and I were NOT speaking for a total of 3 years out of the last 5. Usually 6-8 month increments. I know exactly the sort of exasperation that leads to not speaking. It isn't anger. It is DEFEAT. Just going through a grieving process that never ends, because you can't accept divorce, but you can't accept your partner's behavior towards you. I tried not to focus on my STBX's behavior in my first few posts, but looking at it the dance you two are doing is very similar.
I've got no horse in this race, but I do subscribe to the compatibility quote you posted. In your case I'd recommend going back to a beginners mind and working on processing through your resentment. If all you can see when you look at him is a half man who's inferior R skills have caused you pain that you don't know you want to deal with...well, I don't know what kind of reaction you're expecting to get.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126: I don't think I am controlling. The therapist made it clear to the both of us at our first session that if we are going to keep pointing fingers at each other then we are wasting her time and our time. And when he said that he wanted to go back to counseling, I just reinforced what the therapist said to the both of us.
Regardless, if he asked for a gift or not, I was raised to say "thank you". It is called manners. I thank everyone for everything.
Yes, I want to communicate with me if he wants to end things because I am tired of living in limbo. I don't think anyone should live in limbo because it's not healthy.
Yes, there is resentment for towards him because of him having affairs, however if he did his part when we got back together four years ago, then that resentment would have disappeared. However, I am not letting that resentment control me. I don't sit and think about what he did, I sit and think about how I can change and we can put all this back together. The therapist told him that if he did work in this relationship, we would not be here today.
Had a pretty good day yesterday with H and D. He invited out to lunch with him and his family. H and D picked me up, we stopped at Wal-mart to buy our D a new bike, then off to lunch we went. After lunch did a little more shopping and then we went back to my place. Him and D stayed for awhile. She played and we watched a couple of movies, had dinner and then they left. We did not talk about the relationship at all. He hugged and kissed me a few times during the time we were together. Then it was time for them to leave. Our D asked when can Daddy come back home and I said I don't know right now. I gave her a hug and kiss and when I turned around H was standing there and he gave me a hug and a kiss and said good night.
We do have a MC appointment tomorrow so I can't right for that.
Today is the last day of school for our D and this weekend we are suppose to go to Sea World as a family to celebrate her going into the first grade. I am looking forward but I am also nervous and scared as well.
