Hi Pink. You did great. It does feel awkward and wrong but it's the only way because H has to see he can lose you
Re tomorrow can you stay out. ? Can you visit with a friend ?
this is a long journey and its going to be very tough. Your H has a huge connection with you and that's always going to be there The love you two had can be brought back but your H has to be thinking clearly. You can only control you but you can help H by showing him that you can move on without him.
Pink , H has to believe that you are moving on and you have to be cheerful and happy around him but only like you would with a neighbour Pink you also have to start to move on for real. My opinion is your H will be back but it could be a long time.
You can do this Pink , you can get through this and you will be very happy again
Today is the first day of your plan Pink. Today is the day H gets his wake up call.
Friendly and nice but distant and no R talks , none , absolutely none. If he tries , your busy.
If you felt it went well that is good enough for me.
This isn't pushing H away, think of the analogy of the castle and the picnic or the lighthouse. I call this the Edz strategy. Attraction by just being, just standing still and becoming the best you can be.
Pink think about you and your Sx3, how much you have in your lives. Feel sad for H who through his choices has lost so much to gain so little. Pink just be.
Can you be away whilst H stays with the boys?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/16/1507:35 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Pink, it sounds fine to me - although in your responses to H, you could add a little more warmth than just fine - think 'distant warmth' - eg: "that's fine H - I'll be out that pm" - just softening a little maybe.
Great that you looked fab - but don't worry about what he may think. Look fab because that's how you want to look when you go out - don't worry about his reaction.
I think he has too much of his journey left to take to turn back right now. And because of that, you need to keep your focus on you and your own life. Keep walking forward yourself, not looking over your shoulder. If he wants to catch up at some point he will - but there's a lot of work for him to do if so, and I doubt he's ready for that just now.
I read your thoughts about the doctor, and I had a similar situation. H working away a lot, and I worked with a guy who seemed to think I was great. He was M. You can see how easy it would be to cross a line. I never did do that, because I loved H and knew I could never be at peace, lying my head on the pillow next to him and knowing I lied to him. That was the big thing for me. I don't think there's anything to reproach yourself for.
I'm reading this helpful e-book atm. It's called 'Detach and Survive: A book of self-care for the wives of MLC men.' I'm finding it very helpful and it mirrors DB principles too.
Have a good weekend, lovely Pink xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You all have the right words for me. And I believe it is the only way to go from now on.
RD, I feel I would like to move on for real, I really don't know what is this. Even my family says that they don't know what is going on with me since I was never this way. I am a very easy detachable person. There was no one in my life that could grab my attention as much as H does now.
I spoke with my mom yesterday and told her what is going on in my life right now. She was happy that I am finally giving some value to myself and thinking about what I want and need for my future. My mom said that it was getting her worried to see that I was down and so much about H left me, poor me.
The thing with my family and friends is that I was always a very, very tough and strong person. My core is made of Iron, I always did what I want to, always moved forward and with a lot of life on me. I am a doer, I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself, ever.
For awhile my friends and family saw a destroyed person, one empty and without much hope. So everyone is worried and asking me when I will just kick H in the rear and tell him to get a life away from me because he does not deserve me.
And yes, that person is coming back. I did not dress nice just because H. I have been feeling good about my appearance, and believe me, it is important for me that I look in the mirror and like what I see.
I also have very mixed up feelings regarding H right now. I don't know anymore if I really want him back or not. There is something changing inside of me and I am feeling that life may be better without someone that cheated on me.
I have been thinking about what H says that he felt I did not love him for a long time and I can see that maybe it is true. I start remembering what are the things that could be better in my M and I can see many, many things that maybe me so unhappy beside H. The first and main one is that I always tough he is a very selfish person, and that is something that did not change, he is still doing all the same s**t.
Maybe it is all part of detaching. I am letting go, but it is still something there. If I would think percentage, I would say I am 50/50 right now.
Regarding today, I do not need to be home. As a matter of fact, I have some work to do. We have been extremely busy and I have a pile of paperwork to go through. You know I work with orthotics and prosthetics, we are getting a lot of new patients, including a lot of veterans without limbs. Then you can image a lot of doctors clinicals to read and look for the right info we need.
The positive in all this is that once I complete my classes, I will see my own patients and that will be a better income along the lines. It's exciting, and I believe it will be some financial independence for me. I can't and do not want to relay in my alimony and child support, it is too risky and I can have serious problems.
V, this is what I am trying to do from now on. Not just for H but even for however sees me. I want to just be, but for me would be more light the ocean. I can't be something static, my personality is sweet and crazy at the same time, and the truth is that I like it this way. I am very dynamic. I am learning to just be, maturing into a real woman, transitioning from the young lady to a stable woman. Well, to a point because I will always love to be a girl and do all the girl stuff. Love it about us girls, we have all this amazing stuff about nails, hair, makeup, dresses, shoes, purses, and so on and on. Love it.
T, you know I ordered my T-Shirt that Jim is designing for the fan club "I agree with Toots". And I do, my H seems to be far away from me and very decided about the D. I know that he still loves me, but I don't know how much, and I don't know if his love is enough for any reconciliation. I even don't know if my love for him would be enough for a R.
So I need to let him fly, he needs to go and live his life and I need to be free of fear, sadness and whatever bad stuff, and fly too. Now, I want to try and see what is out there (like in Ireland, just kidding). But really, who am I now? Who can love me next? How would I feel hugging and kissing someone else?
I am changing... I still don't know if it is good or bad, but I am transforming. I am getting Happy again. And the amazing thing is that I don't feel so much fear and do not have so much weight over my shoulders anymore. I don't even miss my H as much anymore. It's a crazy journey, and I am feeling good to step on my next chapter.
Love you all, without you, I would never be where I am now emotionally, you have been helping me a lot. I went to hell and you rescued me (kind of poltergeist). I am happier because of your advices and all the caring words, I am a better person because you took the time to let me know how much you care. I feel that life will be better because I know that somewhere in the world there is people like you.
I love you guys, I wish one day life can find the way to let us meet so we can hug each other and say Thank You face to face.
So, H came to the house by 1pm instead of 2pm as he told me. Well, by now I should always expect that it is his thing now, he always shows up an hour earlier.
I was making a big breakfast for the kids. H came to the kitchen and start asking how is my health, that he is worried about me. I said I am fine. H could see that I have an eye infection but I told him I went to the doctor in the morning and I was going to pick up some antibiotic later, H started telling stuff about work, just like before BD. I listened, and listened a little more.
But at some point I said very nicely that I am happy all those things are finally happening to him, that he worked very hard and for a very long time and now he can have some fun with it.
H knows me and got the message. Then he went to the living room and set there watching some TV cartoon with the boys. For over an hour it was life a funeral.
I continue making the breakfast and it was like he was not even there. Once I finished, called everyone and told H I sat a place for him too. He didn't wait a second and sat immediately.
I was super hungry, but decide do not eat with them. I said goodbye and left. I went out with a friend for walk, then we went for some shopping, then I went to work and came back home by 9:30pm.
H and kids had just finished dinner, when I came in H said Hi, I smiled and said hi to him, got a glass of wine and went to my bedroom. I put some music on, took a shower and sat on my bed writing to Tlee. Reading T's story about his wife leaving made me cry a lot. But, I start writing to him and thinking about that the words I wrote, they were also for myself.
By almost midnight H knocked my door and said that he was leaving, I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee, walked with him to the front porch. H was sad as usual, he kept looking at me. I was not cold, not angry, I was just there. Talking about S15 and his plans for football, the football camp, the visit to the doctor. And, for my surprise he didn't know much of anything. What a shame.
I thanked H for spending time with the boys and said that it is very good for them. H asked what I will be doing next weekend since it is Memorial Day holiday and I said that I am thinking to go white waters rafting, that by now the water is plenty and rough the way I like.
H said, yep, you always love that, plenty of water.
I did not answer, just said that I need to talk to the boys and see what they want to do. Then I said that if he wants to do something with the boys, that he can go ahead and do it, and that I would go by myself and he would be with the kids. He said that he was thinking to spend just a day with the kids.
H said goodbye twice, and made sure to give me a kiss, first on my cheek, then on my front head. I did not replay. H left like he had just buried his mom and dad, he was down, really sad.
So, awkward or not, I did what works. It was actually surprising for me that I was OK. I was not anxious or nervous, this time around it is more natural. I was just not there, looking for his company. H is noticing that things are changing, and he does not know what I am up to.
I also asked if he was leaving for another trip and he said that he is not going to be traveling much now, that he will be around and to call him if I need anything. No OW visitation lately, things are cooling off a bit.
I feel good, with a mix of sadness because I need to leave my house so my H can spend time with his kids. But if this is what will wake him up, then I will try it. I think I am finally understanding this whole detachment stuff, I can feel it.
Hi lovely Pink. It sounds like you did really well. H came over and you were pleasant, but you just went about living your own life - good for you. Even when he looked all sad, and was perhaps hoping for something more from you, you didn't give that. Good - that is you being full of respect for yourself and letting him know that whilst he's messing about with OW, you won't be there for him as a W.
Interesting that things have perhaps cooled a little. But, I wouldn't take much notice of anything much he says just now, and carry on as you are. It's important not to look over your shoulder and think - is this making a difference? If you are acting 'as if' you are truly moving forward alone, and if H wants to catch up, you can be sure he will.
It's a long weekend here next weekend too. I'm going out with a new friend this Saturday night (the one whose H was unfaithful and she changed the locks.) Then GALing at the book store and also seeing SS and his Mum - should be nice....
Have a good day Pink xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink. That's the way. You could not have done better. H spent some time with the boys , which was nice for them and you treated him with respect but coolness. H has to see that Pink is starting to move on.
The next step is consistence. This is the way to be every time from now on with H. No matter what !!! H will soon realise the sad face will not work and he will have choices to make
It will be very tough Pink but you can do this. Pink needs to move forward regardless of H. We all hope H pulls himself together and tries to sort out his life but Pink has to be good to Pink now
I think I did alright, I don't really have too much hope and I need to move forward as best as I can. H seems all sad and does not show too much energy but who knows what is really going on in his head. I just know that he is OK with this life he is choosing.
It was also very hard to hear my children today. They want me to stop telling their dad that he needs to spend time with them.
They told me that H left after I left yesterday. He told the boys that he was leaving and would be back later. Then after two hours he showed up. He even went to the barber while visiting with the kids.
They also said that he sat down to watch TV with the boys and then fell sleep. He moved around and sat down again and slept again. So S15 said that he was gone most of the time, even when his body was in a house.
So, H is still the same, a boring piece of s**t. Selfish and an empty shell. Somehow he just know how to take care after himself.
My children were telling me today why they don't want H back. Why their lives is better without him around.
It was sad, a torture to me. Because now, I have the boys saying that they do not like the father the have. S15 got a little emotional saying all the things that hurt him and how many times he wish his dad was gone.
I crashed, it's wonderful to hear that your children love you and they think you are an amazing mom, but my heart is broken and I really don't know what to think about all this.
By one hand I would like H to came back, by other hand I will be hurting the kids again. I know my children will be gone at some point in time to their own lives, but is this something worthy it the trouble?
They said many things that are really heavy. They said that their father is manipulative, that he abuse them emotionally and mentally. That he never said one word of caring and loving them. That his way of showing support is comparing and degradation. That he always compare the boys lives with his and that he is always better then them.
I am so very confused. I don't know what to do because I know my H did a lot of selfish stuff and I am not sure that he can change. He did not have a good childhood and perhaps he won't change ever.
I guess I will just do what I can do for now. Work, do my classes, be a good and supportive mom, help my boys to find their own path and be somewhat happy, have some fun with my friends and live one day at a time.
One thing is for sure, it will make detaching a must, because we all need some distance from H craziness. I am so sad today. It's like all my hopes are gone. I hate feeling divided, but that's the way I feel today.
Hi Pink. Sorry you down. This is the roller coaster and when your boys are involved then it make it much worse.
If I can chat as a friend for a bit. Your boys are your world and it's clear that your a fantastic mum. The boys are very badly hurt by their dads actions but that can be overcome with time and a contrite H. All you can do for now is be there for them and reassure them that H does love them You can't explain Hs behaviour to them because you don't understand it.
Pink Whenever I talk to my kids about EXW I always keep in my mind that in 10-15 years from now I would want them to look back and see I did nothing to turn them against EXW
In the scheme of your H coming back one day , I have no doubt Pink could forgive H because you are obviously a good person who has compassion and you still love your H very much The boys are going to be lead by you if t/ when this happens and they where raised by you so that compassion and forgiveness is in them too.
I wish I could stop the pain Pink , I really do but its all part of the process and the good news is happiness is also part of the process and that will be there for you at the end
have a good day and I'll be sending you positive thoughts all day. Take care. Rd. xxxx
Today the kids and I overslept and I woke up in a hurry, opened my bedroom door, well, I am in my underwear and a tiny blouse on the top and the first person I see outside the door is H. He came to pick up the boys and since we did not answer our phones he just came in and was upstairs to wake us up.
I ran back to my room and H said he was sorry and left.
Wow, talking about privacy and boundaries, this is all so crazy.
Later today my L called me and said that we need to close on the house final price. I did text H with some quotes of the stuff that need to be fixed around the house. H did not answer me back, will see if he will answer today.
I did write something I already regret. After talking about the quotes I wrote: "Sorry to bother with this but it is something I need to resolve, once it is done I won't bother you ever again."
You know why I did this? because his betrayal hurts me a lot yet, because I want to free him from me but want to make a point.
I know I need to let it all go, and that is the way I will feel better, but I act as a immature girl. And he knows I am still hurting and if I am hurting is because I still love him. I am such an idiot.
Well, another lesson about DBing. Another lesson to learn. I need to stop being passive aggressive. I believe in forgiveness but I still did not forgave H yet.
Lets see what happens tomorrow with this house price. Slowly but surely time is going by and soon we will be signing our Divorce papers and it will all be done.
