Great points Mozza! RAI I believe there is a success story about a guy who remained really good friends with his W through her relationship with OM. The OM eventually got so jealous of their relationship he became a needy, clingy jealous guy and the W dumped him and therefore it was a reconciled marriage!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Raliced, thanks for the info about bird nesting. I have been busy but did a little more reading about it. I am wondering who pays for the mortgage during that period of time. Do we have to refinance? What if W damages the home during this period? Sounds like it could really put me at risk. I can imagine why it is not very common. Also it may be easier for the kids, but it forces me to remain very involved with my W. I still can't believe this is happening. I am still pretty paralyzed by uncertainty. I know this is preventing me from moving forward. But now that the Bar-Mitzvah is over, I will move forward. I must because I must because I must. Ugghh.
Lost18, Thanks for your concern re: intrusiveness of OM. I will probably post about my S13s Bar-Mitzvah in another post. regarding your idea that remain friends with W to make OM jealous - I just don't see it happening. I am trying very hard to remain cordial and civil - and not doing a great job of it. But I am still trying to improve things.
Mozza,
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Originally Posted By: RAI
I really think that OM, in this case, has a vendetta against me. It is not only about his limerance and infatuation with my W - if it is at all. I really suspect that he wants to stick it to me in some way. (...) I truly wonder whether all of his actions on some level are motivated by inflating his ego by deflating mine and profaning everything I value.
There is a lot of mindreading in this and some narcissism (you make his love life about you)
I agree with you to an extent. I agree with you that regardless of whether her thinks about me or not, it will give him more grief if I "DB like a jedi". (awesome way to put it, BTW). But you should know that there have been instances where I have felt threatened by him. I have documented numerous occasions where I have been out running (my best GAL activity) and he has buzzed by me in his car. Without elaborating - I can if you want - he does it in a way that is much less likely to be coincidental. He does not live in my neighborhood anymore and I don't announce when I am running until the last minute. My wife could be texting him. There are some streets (mine included) that do not have sidewalks. He may not be trying to destroy me, but if he is, I don't want to get this one wrong.
Thanks for the "DB move of the week" nomination. I don't think my W would dare sleep in our BR again (unless I would accept her back - ain't happenin' any time soon). She did not try over the whole Bar-Mitzvah weekend.
I would absolutely not consider a birds nesting arrangement with your wife. I have seen many cases with this and 90% of them are a disaster. It will end up as the ultimate cake eating arrangement for your wife, all to your detriment. This is just going to prolong and exacerbate the torture you are in, and your kids too, just so your WW doesnt have to face consequences.
As far as your kids and OM is concerned, its true you cant control what your WW does but you can still take measures to protect your kids. In my experience, the most detrimental thing for kids emotional well-being during a situation like this is dishonesty and uncertainty. Your wife is obviously being dishonest with them, but by helping her keep her secret, so are you. If they dont hear the truth from you, then they will hear lies from your WW and OM.
You stated "in my experience". I am curious what your experience is. Would you be willing to share?
I read some of your posts. You have been lurking for quite some time. Your advice seems very reasonable. However, I like to know where you are coming from - emotionally and experientially. It helps *me* process information I am receiving. Have you thought about starting a thread describing your sitch? I have seen Mr. Bond request this of others sometime.
Of course, you do not have to share your experience with me or anyone else on this board. But I was just wondering. Are you a LBS? an attorney? a WAS? Interested 3rd party?
Regardless, thanks for the advice. You are my first vote against "bird nesting".
Bar-Mitzvah was awesome. S13 (G-d bless him) did a great job. I am so proud of him. A real young man. Sang beautifully, spoke beautifully. Spent time with his family.
I am also proud of myself. I was the "act as if" king. My Ws family were all in town. It could have been much more intense, but I kept it light. I made the whole weekend about my S13. I had a chance to strut my stuff a bit too, to let my W and her family of enablers see what kind of person I truly am. I did not give them the satisfaction of seeing the bitter, frightened boy inside. OM did not rear his ugly head once. On the contrary, someone actually approached me, told me that they know about the A, that they support me 100%. The only reason everyone is acting like everything is normal is because everyone is taking their cues from me. When the D happens, I think most of the community is going to shun her. I cannot control their response or reactions, but I think it may be a very sobering consequence for my W because she currently derives a lot of support from the community.
I have still not checked my Ws texting record. I feel so much better off. I have also not looked in her drawers. She has not made any further moves to try to get back into the BR. I went out last night with a friend and I hope to go out again tonight. Trying to GAL. succeeding? Maybe? I feel like the tables are slowly turning and the star inside me is emerging. I am DB'ing!
On another related note, something strange happened. Over the weekend, someone snapped a picture of us together. He posted it to FB. I look really good in the pic, and my W looks - I feel bad saying it, but - ugly and kind of pathetic. I blew up the photo and cropped myself out of it. Then I stared at that picture of my W long and hard, and for the first time in 1.5 years, I feel sorry for my W. It is a transient fleeting feeling every time I look at that photo. I thought of sending it to my sister, and I could not bring myself to do it. W probably saw the photo on FB too. I wonder how she felt when she saw it. I think she will eventually realize that her physical assets will not endure, and that without values and achievements, and with a disrupted family as her legacy, she will not have much left. A real shame. Unfortunately, that is her choice and her tragic mistake.
Bar-Mitzvah was awesome. S13 (G-d bless him) did a great job. I am so proud of him. A real young man. Sang beautifully, spoke beautifully. Spent time with his family.
MAZEL TOV!
I am sure that was a high point for all involved. Bask in the glow for a little while.
My now-S13s Bar-mitzvah is in less than 2 weeks and I am worried that the whole thing is going to fall apart. The invitations went out way too late. Guests are asking why. So much planning: catering, home hospitality for out-of-towners, speeches to write, more I can't anticipate or think of right now. S13 deserves a great celebration and it hurts me that it is going to be less than he deserves because I cannot get my act together and because my W has become a teenager herself.
Originally Posted By: May 14
Bar-Mitzvah was awesome. S13 (G-d bless him) did a great job. I am so proud of him. A real young man. Sang beautifully, spoke beautifully. Spent time with his family.
I am also proud of myself.
I'm serious: remember this next time you face a big challenge. You are more capable than you might realize at your darkest hour.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I am sure that was a high point for all involved. Bask in the glow for a little while.
Reality will be back in a while.
Thanks, Cadet. As for the glow - I am sure you remember it with your S27. As for the reality, I am bracing for it - even dreading it, but I feel pretty good today.
Mozza, you are awesome. Very clever juxtaposing my own words like that. And you are 100% correct. I did not get to where I am today by being incapable. I definitely needed the reminder and will cherish this very elegant one. I will definitely return to this post.
It is amazing how anxiety about the future can feel so palpable and real, but then once you have gone through it, it turns out to have been just smoke and mirrors.
