Feeling so hopeless

[Cadet]

Thank you Bob and Cadet.

Off to search for that thread.

There is a link in my homework that I gave you on post #1

[Bob723]

Thank you Bob and Cadet.

Off to search for that thread.

You're welcome Lucy!

Bob

[stacey9]

Lucy - I'm also interested to hear what's the best thing to do here, should you be in for H coming round, make small talk and be light and breezy or not be there at all.

In my case, I find it easier not to see H at all, he makes me nervous and although I try to act as if I'm confident and happy, I'm not sure if he can see through it. I also wonder if acting this way makes him believe I've accepted his choices and if it makes things easier for him.

It's so difficult. Good luck!

[Lucy105]

Part of me wants to be here initially, to show off the new me.....new hairstyle, contacts, and 30 lbs lighter.....down a whole size in clothes. But I don't know if that makes me a bad person, and I don't want to be a bad person, that's not who I am. I thought I might just make the initial greeting, then excuse myself, saying I have somewhere to be, and maybe make arrangements with a girl friend to meet for a coffee or something.

[job]

Lucy,
If you feel comfortable in just greeting him and then leaving, then do so. You can always say you have some errands to run or an appointment to keep...but be sure to thank him if he plans to change the oil in the other mower.

Like I stated in my response to you on my thread...the decision is yours to make, i.e., whether to stay there or not be around.

[TenBook]

Lucy. Have you seen a show called Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay?

Your tale reminds me of how hard the restaurant industry is.

[Lucy105]

Thank you again job.

TenBook.....yes, the restaurant business is very hard, and I believe it played a very large roll in my situation sad to say.

An update to the story.....seems when my husband confided in my friend that the OW is a major alcoholic, he was being honest. About 20 min from our home is a very small town that I go to almost daily to pick up the mail at the Post Office. The restaurant is about 50 min away, so I don't usually expect to see my husband or his truck.

I went to meet a friend that day in the small town where I get the mail, he was buying my last camera lens that I sold, and I went much later in the day than I typically go. Going through town, there's a 4-way stop sign. To the left is a handful of small businesses. The usual small town places.....bank, hair salon, cafe, and a bar. Nothing open at that time of day except the bar, which is a trashy dive bar where you'd expect to see a bunch of heavy drinkers.

Looking to the left, my heart sank.....it was my husbands truck. I know my husband was at the restaurant all day that day, my friend that works there confirmed it, so the OW was using his truck.

Later that evening I was messaging with another friend, he and his wife have been a tremendous support system for me these last weeks. I had never told him who this OW was, but he asked me that night, and I told him. Turns out, he knows her. She is a regular at that bar, and when he and his wife had gone there to eat one night (they have good bbq ribs I guess), she was there, drunk. He said she had applied to work where his wife works (his wife is a waitress), but they turned her down because they know her history. That's when my husband hired her.......in spite of the warnings from one of the girls on our staff who knows her very well.

My friend said she is an extremely "annoying" person to be around, and that yes, she is a serious alcoholic, and has quite a bad reputation around town. But what neither of us can understand, is if my H knows she's an alcoholic, that has 2 DUI's, why is he letting her bar hop with his truck?

I know she has no vehicle of her own to drive, she has no phone, and the bank has a legal case in court right now against her mortgage. She has a history of financial issues.

I am not saying a word to him about this, he wouldn't believe me anyway, and it's best for me to stay out of it. He knows she's an alcoholic, and needs to figure out the rest on his own. I'm actually worried for him, and just fearful if she hurts someone with his truck, our insurance rates will skyrocket!

Still being new to this whole situation, it's still very hard to see his attraction to her, and what keeps him entangled in this mess. He obviously knows she's picking him up drunk, and that she's driving his vehicle drunk. It's very hard to understand, this girl just has so much baggage.

[mahhhty]

One way or another he will be forced to wake up. Hopefully it will be through an emotional reckoning and not a lawful or financial one.

Good luck Lucy!

[Lucy105]

Thank you mahhhty! I hope he wakes up too before something serious happens.

His family was there for the whole weekend, staying at the hotel behind the restaurant. I'm kind of curious how he managed the girlfriend situation, because she was working all weekend, and my husband has to run her back and forth because she doesn't have a vehicle. I'm sure he didn't tell his family the truth about everything.

[job]

Lucy,
What is the attraction to the ow? The attraction is not her looks, but she's new. She's different and she is the exact opposite of you. You have to remember that your h isn't himself right now and he's acting out in ways that are totally opposite of himself. He also sees himself as a rescuer, someone who is helping out a needy woman right now. Of course, she could also be stroking his ego and making him feel like a big man around town right now because truly, they are using each other as crutches to get by. Both have some serious issues to deal with.

He will wake up when he's ready and not until then. His business could be under water, truck gone, you are gone and until he's hit rock bottom hard, he may continue as he is right now. In many cases, they have to lose everything before they begin to see the light of day. Then, there are those cases, whereby they continue on in life as angry, bitter old people who see nothing but negativity all around them and they are truly lonely people who aren't happy. It's too early to tell which way your h will go.

For now, keep the focus on you and your business. Leave your h to twirl in the wind because there's nothing you can do for him except to let go and pray that he resolves whatever issues he's got going on and come to realize that home is where he wants to be.