My H will be busy relocating his business to a new city in the fall. He wants me to come with him, but that means leaving my job and my family behind. Not sure if I can do that. Not to mention, his friends and his video games always came before me and they always will.
I'm feeling rather numb the last few days. The pain of having lost him is gone, since we are (sorta) back together. The happiness of knowing that he wants our marriage to work has gone now too. I feel empty. There is so much uncertainty and so much work ahead of me. I have to get the house ready to sell. I'm still battling my chronic illness. I know my family will be upset with me that I don't want to buy another house and I'm not looking forward to hearing those lectures.
Sometimes I wonder if I truly want to be with my husband. Not to mention I still have to come to terms with how awful he was to me during the worst time of my illness. I think I need some space, but then he gets worried and insecure. Sigh!
Last edited by Diana45; 05/08/1508:48 PM.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
I read most of the 5 love languages book yesterday. I think my love language is Acts of Service with my secondary being a Words of Affirmation. My H I believe is Physical Touch or Words of Affirmation.
I spoke with H about the book and he said he would go get it from the library. That is now in his court. I will not bring it up again. He knows I read it, now waiting on him for that.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that he said he would try to read up and understand more about my illness, since that was a huge problem for him. Just to re-cap....I have an auto-immune disease called Scleroderma. Besides turning connective tissue hard, almost like scar tissue, it also causes joint swelling, chronic fatigue and can affect organs such as the lungs, heart, kidneys and liver. I have hardening of the skin on my stomach and right side of my body. It s uncomfortable all the time and often painful. I also have Rhumatoid arthritis that has been aggravated by this illness and by my line of work (17 years in an automotive factory). Last year I started treatment in the forms of immuno-suppressivng medications and steroids. I had an allergy reaction to one of the medication (full body rash) and gained a ton of weight. I felt awful! In January I was put on low dose chemo injections that made me feel even worse. At the end of March I was forced to take to take short term disability because I was missing so much time from work from the nausea. From the beginning of my diagnosis my H had an I don't care attitude. He made it to just a couple of my doctors appointments and gave me no support at all. My first appointment with my specialist he went so far as to tell me to not be so needy and to suck it up and stop being a complainer. That hurt a lot and I started to withdraw from him. As of a month ago, right after he left me, I have been pulled off all medication. My liver has been damaged from all the poison I had been putting in my body. The doctors were worried my liver would give out if I continued. So, I have been eating healthy, exercising, loosing weight, finding my faith/spiritual self again. I started a liver cleanse a few weeks ago. So far so good. I'm feeling better physically. Through talking things out over the last few weeks with my H the past few weeks, he has discovered that he has a fear of sick people, because he lost so many people in his life when he was younger, including his father when he was 8. He pulls back and shuts down to not feel the pain. He is working with a counsellor to deal with this and promised me that he would support me from now on in my battle with my illness. But as of right now he still hasn't done any research on this disease and doesn't understand that I might look fine and be ok one day and not the next. There is no cure and I will have to manage the symptoms for the rest of my life. Some days I feel he is just giving me lip service to keep me hanging on. How in the world are we ever supposed to work things out if he has no intentions of ever coming home. He is starting a new life in another city and yes he says he wants me there with him, but I have to give up my whole life to do that. My job, my children, my family, my friends. We have the summer to figure it out. Am I wasting my time? Should I just move on without him in my life?
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
It does make sense. I have my GAL activities to do, my house to get ready and my health to take care of. I will move forward with individual counselling and couples counselling. I guess only time will tell if my H and I can make this work. For today I will do some work around the house and then go ghost hunting with my daughter tonight.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Ghost hunt was cancelled because of severe thunderstorms. Bummer! It should be rescheduled in about 2 weeks. It's something my daughter loves (paranormal investigations) and I've always been interested in.
I had a bit of a melt down last night. Just felt so insecure about the future. Went to see H last night and we had a long talk about it. He reassured me that he is working on his issues and he is looking at the end game, which is him and I in a stronger marriage. I feel better today.
It's MD today. My daughter and my sons GF went to Zombie camp this morning. Yes they dress up as Zombies (with full make-up) and chase survivors around the woods. It even made the local news last year. My son and his GF's little guy are with me this morning. My daughter and son bought me a beautiful shirt yesterday for MD. After taking care of the animals, we are heading to my mothers house to bring her MD presents. Then taking the Guinea Pigs to their new home this afternoon. My H wants to take me out for dinner tonight.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Thanks Huddy....gotta keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Hi Diana,
I have been checking on your sitch from time to time, but I never seem to get around to adding a post. I am sorry it's been awhile.
Since we are all human, and this is a tremendously stressful time for you, a meltdown is to be expected occasionally. So don't be too hard on yourself, but try to learn what triggered it and work on keeping it from happening again.
As Cadet wrote, "I suggest instead of "moving on" continue to "move forward", and later you can always decide to "move on". I agree with Cadet!
Huddy's advice was also very good, "Baby steps Diana. Look after yourself and keep positive."
Please hang in there. I will dedicate a prayer to you in a few minutes!
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
