I am doing very good about concentrating on myself and not wondering about what H means, says etc. Every time I start to wonder or question something he says or does I STOP thanks to advice from 25years! It has done wonders. I still have a ways to go but I am getting much better and I feel better.
I trust that what he is doing is what he needs to do for himself and I do try hard not to judge sometimes I feel the less I know the better actually.
Yes, you are doing a great job and I think that the more you do it the better you get at it.
Thanks for stopping by at my thread and give me the 2x4 over my head. Some days I get overwhelmed with all the stuff and then I get very frustrated with H because he decide to delay everything about the D.
It's also the last week of my high school kids, so lots of projects, concert, French movie, Spanish movie, parties, finals, football camp and on and on. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.
Related to the car, I am like you, I do not like asking anything for my H. But, in your case he goes to your house and does things around to help you (my H doesn't). If it is a deal of money, then if you ask him one more time, may not hurt anything and you both can save money this way.
Besides, you said that he already got a little frustrated once when you asked for someone else's help and not for him.
But, I am not very old here, so maybe some vet will give you better advice. Just my 2c.
By the way, I like reading your posts and it has been helping me to keep some focus on what direction I must go and why.
Thanks Pink you might be right about the asking for help one more time. I will wait until later today and ask just to make sure he doesn't offer on his own. Thanks for the advice.
Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in what H is doing etc and trying to second guess them that we can't see the forest before the trees etc..
It is hard but just keeping saying what he does doesn't affect you eventually you will believe it.
The Weird part is how H can be communicative one minute and then the next day hardly anything.
So H text me yesterday so today I thought I would text him. He was not very communicative, he did answer a couple of times and then after my last text which I said it was a cold rainy day to be siding (which is what he was doing today as a side job) I heard nothing so I let it go. What do you guys advise should I have not text him at all? I am thinking I shouldn't have text him. I did because he was the first to text me yesterday so I was trying to reciprocate to show that he wasn't the only one having to text first.
I think you are right about the words of affirmation. I have read that book. My therapist recommended it. I could never decide if he was that or actions. I am leaning toward words of affirmation because almost everyone has more than one love language...just fyi. You don't have to choose just one. Use them all and see what happens. But know when HE is sending you love in HIS language.
today he text me about the weather and being cold to ride his motorcycle and I said jokingly that he would have to borrow my brother-inlaws's leather jacket and he said "fat man in a little coat" which he is not fat in fact he is very muscular and he does this a lot saying these things about himself and I use to say no you aren't you are so muscular and I think I stopped that because I just began to ignore it because I didn't think he really thought that about himself but now I am thinking he wanted me to say he wasn't so today I said not fat just muscular. What man doesn't want to hear that his wife sees him as muscular?
And try to catch yourself withholding love or affirmation to punish OR b/c you think you are risking something. Dig deep then...
something to pay attention to for the future. Yes...start today. It's NOT pursuit if you do this authentically AND without any expectations of him. Just expressing affirming sincere compliments is an act of kindness. Doing it to be kind and NOT as a tactic, isn't wrong or weak.
In the face of cruelty (not in your situation but IF someone else reads this, I want to insert a caveat) Then No, it might come off as supplication or weakness or pursuit.
I'm referring to everyday interactions. You want him to feel relaxed and Not judged when he's around you. Safe...comfortable, etc
25years you have helped me so much I can't believe it. Everything you have said is pretty much dead on. I have taken your advice and am really working on myself and thoughts and seeing things that I didn't catch before like above.
Keep posting to me with your thoughts and ideas!
You're very welcome. As I said, this board and my DB coach were Godsends for me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks Pink you might be right about the asking for help one more time. I will wait until later today and ask just to make sure he doesn't offer on his own. Thanks for the advice.
Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in what H is doing etc and trying to second guess them that we can't see the forest before the trees etc.. It is hard but just keeping saying what he does doesn't affect you eventually you will believe it.
Make it so.
Meaning, do not let his actions or words affect you. Is it easy? No. But is it complicated?
No. It's hard but it is simple. Luckily there are tools to use to help you achieve this "he doesn't bother me" autonomy.
GAL is one of them. So, back to YOU and what YOU are doing...How's the GAL plan?
Anything you can study, explore, visit, sign up for, JOIN, audition for, attend, coach or volunteer for this week/month?
Let's hear about those...
Have you seen a L? I ask so that you can address some of the fears you have about being left behind. Knowledge is power and you need "DO" nothing with the information, except gather it. For me, it was very reassuring (& calming!)
to know that my fears of being "on the streets" were totally unfounded.
And now, back to your GAL
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H was over at house and did fix brakes and I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with us which he did and took 25years advice and remained neutral and interested in what he was saying. At times conversation verged on R but I quickly steered away and kept my mouth shut.
Yep leaving tomorrow for vacation. Really excited to go. So this is a big GAL for me because I have never vacationed without H in 23 years. Start Yoga when I get back.
Neighbor guy said he would mow my yard while we were gone and H offered to come over and mow so I told him neighbor guy was going to mow and H said yeah he sure has been helpful lately and that is suspect. I thought to myself well you left but I didn't saying anything I just said he was trying to be helpful. And thanked H for offer though.
No R talk and no mention of moving back home any time soon and again I know that I shouldn't expect that either sometimes it is just hard and I wonder geez how can you not want to but again not my problem and on to me and my life.
25years, yes I have seen an L and I will struggle somewhat but I will be able to maintain my home I am now which is something to be really thankful for. I need a new car but that may have to wait and that will make money tight but I should be able to manage.
I am really inspired by your actions, you are a really good learner. I have been in this board since 10/14 and sometimes I think I have a really thick head since I keep going back to my mistakes.
You have been such inspiration for me, lately I have your words and 25 advices in my mind and it has giving me some hope that I will be OK.
I know this is a process and it takes time and patience, but I get really down on myself since I need to deal with the D issues right now.
Keep the good work, you are very strong and seems you are handling things the way they should be handled.
Don't think it is easy for me some times I really want to say what are you thinking, are you ever coming home, but I shut the trap because I know his answer right now will be I Don't know. 25years said never talk about the R let them raise the topic and then only talk about it if you want to. I can see and hear that he isn't ready to talk about R and from what I understand it will be very clear when they are. 25years also said not to assess anything for 60 - 90 days to see if there is a change which I took to mean no R talk.
So when R talk wants to poke its ugly head up I picture the STOP sign. LOL.
