Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Huddy]

Hi Pyrite

Are you in UK?

Unaware of that catch. That's the thing though, you want to be a loving father, but everything seems to be in favour of the mother, regardless of what they have done or are doing.

Keep strong. The grass may seem green right now, but the cowpats not far away!

[Pyrite]

Australia. Lawyer on phone told me that it would be a waste of my time claiming full custody unless I had evidence that she was neglecting the children in some way. Basically, the court isn't even going to waste time on making the decision until it is satisfied that a decision needs to be made. In other words - she can't file for full custody either

The grass may seem green right now, but the cowpats not far away!

True - possibly. It may be true love, meant to be. But I seriously doubt that for several reasons which are not really important for us DBers. What is important for me is the detachment (and serenity ) I've achieved in the past week.

Zeus et al. There were several issues I was rolling into one. The roller coaster I had to jump off, my investment in the outcome (saving the M), I need(ed) her to need me (in the M and even now. This is something which was still hurting like a fresh wound. Now that I have identified where it is, I can dress the wound. It might be a gusher. But at least I can see it. )

All of these boil down to one realisation I have had that has made me feel so much better. And it is related to something else you said Z, "your IC said that people are not so much afraid of the events they expect to happen, but that they won't be able to handle them"

Well guess what, bring it on baby, you can't hurt me worse than what you already have - and I am past that, and smiling

Dance a little dance
Make a little Love
Get Down Tonight

[Huddy]

Australia. I seemed to think it was mainly people from the US on here.

W's lawyer told her the same thing (I guess UK law and Australia law are modelled on the same thing) that I wouldn't get custody etc., but I'm not after that, just the right to enable me to have a say in where they live. In the UK, laws are different in England and Scotland, but essentially I have parental rights which means I can say they can't live so far away, but I have to prove that doing so would be detrimental to the children concerned.

Keep thinking about W needing to want you. They wanted you once, they'll realise that they'll need you again. (See, I've been listening and reaidng to everyone abou the 180).

Chin up, keep going.

[Zues126]

Nice.

Glad full custody is off the table for BOTH of you. It wouldn't be a win for either of you. It would be a tremendous loss for your children. They have been through and will go through enough.

Australia. Lawyer on phone told me that it would be a waste of my time claiming full custody unless I had evidence that she was neglecting the children in some way. Basically, the court isn't even going to waste time on making the decision until it is satisfied that a decision needs to be made. In other words - she can't file for full custody either

The grass may seem green right now, but the cowpats not far away!

True - possibly. It may be true love, meant to be. But I seriously doubt that for several reasons which are not really important for us DBers. What is important for me is the detachment (and serenity ) I've achieved in the past week.

There were several issues I was rolling into one. The roller coaster I had to jump off, my investment in the outcome (saving the M), I need(ed) her to need me (in the M and even now. This is something which was still hurting like a fresh wound. Now that I have identified where it is, I can dress the wound. It might be a gusher. But at least I can see it. )

All of these boil down to one realisation I have had that has made me feel so much better. And it is related to something else you said Z, "your IC said that people are not so much afraid of the events they expect to happen, but that they won't be able to handle them"

Well guess what, bring it on baby, you can't hurt me worse than what you already have - and I am past that, and smiling

Ha. That's funny. I have in the past OFTEN turned to the sky and asked "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!?!?" Yes, it's nice to identify where the pain is coming from. Instead of being some broken shell of a person, you can realize you're still the same successful and healthy person that is suffering for a good reason. Then you treat those wounds and do what you can to leave them alone, let them heal, and enjoy your life.

If you can do that now while the wounds are still fresh, trust that it only gets easier. I know it still stings to hear that because it's not what you really want, but that sting too will relax. It will go from electric fence to jelly fish to a static spark from touching a doorknob after walking across a shag carpet...occasional and minimal. Take care!

[Pyrite]

Actually it is not just coincidence. We inherited England's law. As did US, but then they D'ed them. . I think most inhere are from US. "Smothy" is from UK

my mindset is changing. I was thinking - this has been so long. when is it going to change. when am i going get that break. Now I am thinking - it is early days. Whatever happens happens. There is stuff that I want to get done before anything "happens" anyway. Well, that is at good "times" (not whole days yet). I still have plenty of bad times. But I actually have good times now which was unfathomable a month ago.

[Pyrite]

Thanks Zeus. for everything

[Smothy]

Totally, second that.

Reflection on your posts has stopped me from doing some pretty stupid things :-)

THANK YOU

[Smothy]

Great, Pyrite that you have 'good times'

I know what you mean, mine are short, but they are longer than they were last week. Small steps.

I have even begun to ask myself, do I really need him.

[Pyrite]

thats the Ticket Smothy . I dont think it is a bad thing. I dont think it means you are getting bitter. Maybe you can just see that there is a life for you - either way.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Huddy. I should be thankful really. I'm not that far. I actually have custody ATM. I am just p**sed I suppose that W is running the show completely. And it is n't like I did before as it has been suggested.


Hey, sorry but I cannot help but believe that at the root of your desire to have full custody is NOT that she's "unfit" (which is the legally required standard in every state here), but that you are "just so p**ssed" and a whole lot of is centers around the OM or him being around your kids.

Almost every state in the US favors joint custody, which does not always translate into 50/50 physically, but does give equal rights to the parents about schools, religion and location.

I'm a L (but not in the UK obviously), but here, you cannot use OM as grounds for saying she's unfit -

UNLESS

he's a convicted felon who has not mended his ways (or if his crimes involved children) AND OR if they are having sex in front of the kids AND OR doing something dangerous around the kids. (Sorry but drinking by itself won't cut it.)

SO

You may be wasting a lot of time and energy and money on something you won't win, and which at its core, stems mostly from jealousy.

JUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT...


I never thought I would be in this position to say to someone else - but you are very early in your sitch. Time marches on I suppose. I'll have to check out your thread to know more detail.
-Py

If you remember little else I say to you, remember this:

Life is so terribly short. Make the most of it. Don't spend tons of mental or physical or emotional (or spiritual!) Energy on things you have no control over.

Is it Buddhists who advise us to let go of that which we cannot control or have,

and learn to be happy with what we do have?