One more question. I think H is going to expect that I will go to MIL/FIL for Mother's Day. I think he wants family to think all is ok. Should I go? I feel if I don't go then MIL suffers.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
That is up to you. If you have a good relationship w/them and you enjoy being around them, then go. If they should question you about the situation, you don't have to lie, be honest w/them. It's not your job to cover the affair up, if you are asked about it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BW, I'm sorry you're in that spot. We see it here daily but As are so destructive it blows me away that people go down that road. I know they tell themselves the "R is over" like that changes what they're doing. OK. Breathing deep.
I understand how you feel, like doing nothing is being a doormat and letting him cake eat. So let me explain different kinds of "doing nothing".
If you are doing nothing about the A, crying in bed, sobbing on your girlfriends' shoulders, trying to pursue/beg/plead, allowing him to cake eat by being there for physical and emotional support when he feels like throwing a few scraps your way, spending your days trying to read his mind and allowing your mood to be controlled by how you read into his tone, or whether his watch is on, and overall putting your life on hold hoping he changes...that is a bad "doing nothing".
But if you are doing nothing about the A, but detaching, refusing to get involved with his drama, getting a life and rediscovering the parts of yourself that were neglected for so long, reconnecting with friends, learning to set appropriate boundaries not to control or punish but to protect yourself, and doing more and more to take control of your life with or without your H...that is a good "doing nothing".
Stop waiting and hoping he'll change. Go live your life with or without your WAH. You can do it. You're early in your sitch but it can absolutely be done.
Last edited by Zues126; 05/08/1512:58 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
BW05, You do not involve them in your situation. You do not initiate conversations about what your h is doing or not doing at this time. If they ask you about it, be honest w/them...but don't initiate the conversation.
Zues126 has explained the "doing nothing" very well. Read, the posting and re-read it again. Bottom line, you can't do anything about the affair, you can't and don't control him. The more you try, the more he's going to run the other way. The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest. Find things/hobbies and do them. Get out the newspaper and see if there are any good groups of people who walk, visit museums or book clubs...but YOU need to take back control over YOUR life. I know this sounds difficult for you...but you do have a life and had a life long before you met your h. This is a great opportunity to rediscover yourself and do the things that you've not had time to do.
Any changes that you make, make them for YOU. The changes have to become permanent and are not being done to entice your h back to you.
You can do this. None of us wanted to be on this journey, but we have learned to live our lives and can and will find happiness again with or without our spouses.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can do this. I felt as though I was doing so well until last night. Was just so unexpected and I let it affect me more than I should have allowed. I just have to work harder on myself. I mistakenly took his bait to think he was making small changes.
Life does go on with or without him.
Job and Zues, how long did it take you to get to the right space with yourself?
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
It's not a linear progression. So the set back from last night feels discouraging, but you're not 'back at square one'.
Months 1-3 I made some progress, then was drawn back in when she started talking about this being a mistake, missing our M, me showing positive changes, etc...this lead to far and away the craziest 24 hours in my life. It was 9/5/15 if you feel like checking it out. On a detachment/attachment scale of 1-10 I started at a 9-10, ended at a 7-8, then jumped back to 10 for a moment.
Month 4-5. Much more detached, but still actively trying to think of what I could do to 'save' my M. Giving a lot of thought to how she perceived me, what she was doing, etc. Maybe I was a 6-7.
Now I am finishing month 10, and I'd say my level of attachment is around a 3-4. I still think of her daily (or at least the idea of her flashes through my brain in various contexts), I occasionally have a quick imaginary conversation with her, sometimes when we communicate about the kids I still feel a bit of distaste for the situation, and it's hard not to question things as we work on divorce paperwork. Oh, and as I learn more about myself I do reflect and think back to where I went wrong, how things played out. But overall I'd say I'm below the pain threshhold 95% of the time, and now it's just something I'm aware of.
I think as the D finalizes over the next 3-6 months, and then another 6-24 months goes by, I will be truly beyond the M. Like I said recently...like looking at pictures of a high school year book. A distant memory. I will be a different person, the memories of what I went through will be there but won't be tender, and I will be ready to start becoming a great H to someone. I know the idea of another two years would be scary to some, but remember years 2-3 are NOT like year 1. They are exciting, empowering, and feel like a total relief after a terrible M and a nightmarish BD.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I can't give you any guidance, just sympathy and commiseration. I think it's hard to predict how any one individual may respond to our behavior, and I guess it's important that we do what we do for ourselves and not in hope of eliciting a reaction from someone else... although that can seem completely impossible when they keep you on your toes with their flip-flopping!
I read in a book about one of her clients who had said: "On a good day, I'm committed to my spouse. On a so-so day, I'm committed to my marriage. On a bad day, I'm committed to my commitment." It very much expressed how I feel. Unfortunately, it seems I'm alone in feeling that way in this M...
I was reading your thread with great interest because our situations sound so very similar, at least when it comes to what the problems are and how both parties react, and your H's behavior. It sounds like we are in somewhat different phases right now, though. I will be following your thread and post more about my own situation in my own thread. I wish you the very best!
Last edited by Cadet; 05/09/1508:45 AM. Reason: book reference not allowed
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
