Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Zelda09]

TLEE, I mean that. It didn't stop me from crying a bit ago, but this is necessary for me to get on with my life.

I cry from the rage and coldness I felt, that blankness across his face, smug, shrugging, "well what are YOU going to do about it, Z?" hours after he told me how loved I was. It felt inhuman and no matter the hope I've held out, every action since has just reinforced what I felt.

People have told me that he's no longer limping or cringing in 'pain' (despite huge weight gain) or using his cane, and he's planted seeds that I cheated on him, wanted him for his money, he's happier now by himself...he's proudly telling the world his new hobby is gambling, so he has that to spend - but was insisting Id still have to support us until he could get his feet under him. I guess when I told him what was coming down the pipe for me at work, that was no longer practical.

I know he used me until he Got that check . Even the MC and his own family said so. I have two hours of a recorded convo in which he twisted and turned everything afterward the incident, when we met up, him even saying to justify what he did, "subconsciously I think you should realize how you want to be treated, Z." And him telling me he figured M is a gray area for us now and he intends to sleep around - and when I begged him not to, he said, "I can give you a week of fidelity but that's it."

This isn't a man or M to stand for. I am relieved to have the end in sight.

I think of how before BD he told me 10' away from a family reunion that I'd have to F other men if I wanted children...me crying hysterically, him stone faced playing on his phone next to me. I got myself together and we arrived at the beach house, I went in to wash up and he cornered my mom upstairs and started bawling his eyes out we'd had a fight...everyone thought I was such an angry hateful person, bc he repeated this behavior to whoever would listen and all they saw was my coldness to him when we were in the same room. We slept in the same bed for three nights and he never showed any emotion to me. It is all coming out of the woodwork now, my mom used to really feel sorry for him until we started piecing things together.

[Zephyr]

Thank you for sharing Zelda. You have been through so much and i am glad you are at a point of closure on this, it has clearly been tearing you up. You have shown great resiliancy and i am very glad you are taking a good hard look, deep inside of yourself, too.

I look forward to reading how the next chapter of 'the life of Zelda' starts.

[Zelda09]

As a good friend of mine told me,

There is nothing magical in loving an a'hole. You won't get a blue ribbon for surviving the games and trying to make something of it.

And I'm at that point.

Is he ALL bad? A sociopath? Drugged up? Inheriting his mother's mental illness?

Not saying that. I am sure he loved me and was genuinely nice to friends and family at times. I remember falling in love, the things he built me, his face when Id surprise him with something nice, what he looked like that first night in the hospital, the first time the dog crawled up in his bed, our wedding, honeymoon, the day we closed on the house.

I also remember what he looked like throwing things at me, punching things around me, telling me flatly to get my chit together if I cried and he didn't wNt to hear it. Withholding affection, days of silent treatment. I remember discovering his texts and msgs to exes and women he complained to about me - since the beginning. The victim behavior, losing jobs, well before the accident. Calibri said it, he showed me who he was and I saw what I wanted to - H wasn't the issue.

I just feel like I'm coming free. It's a good feeling, to actually not care about saving this anymore and being ready for my next chapter.

[TLEE86]

Not saying that. I am sure he loved me and was genuinely nice to friends and family at times. I remember falling in love, the things he built me, his face when Id surprise him with something nice, what he looked like that first night in the hospital, the first time the dog crawled up in his bed, our wedding, honeymoon, the day we closed on the house.

I also remember what he looked like throwing things at me, punching things around me, telling me flatly to get my chit together if I cried and he didn't wNt to hear it. Withholding affection.

This hits home so much for me. Quite honestly I feel that these are the things my W would say about me. Almost exactly what I feel her words are. I know Ive wrote this before about the things I did and how i can relate to your H. I cant blame you for feeling this way Z, the coming free. You have been through so much with him, and as much as I want to sit here and say work on it, keep going, sometimes thats just not enough....especially if his behavior isn't changing.

I cant blame my W for leaving.. and it hurts me to say that. And looking from the outside in now, seeing your struggle with your H who still hasn't changed only makes me see just how awful this behavior is. Im so sorry Z.

[Zelda09]

TLEE,

I doubt you made her feel like your emotions and actions were her fault and played games about it. You provided. This is different - don't beat yourself up.

[Vanilla]

Z

It's good news if he does, it's good news if he does not.

It's bad news if he does, it's bad news if he doesn't

Expect all of the above

V

[Zelda09]

Doing a GAL, hanging out with a gf who was very supportive of DR - and she recounts how last summer STBX demanded that "stop talking to my W you have no right to put ideas in her head, stay away from her..."

[Vanilla]

Doing a GAL, hanging out with a gf who was very supportive of DR - and she recounts how last summer STBX demanded that "stop talking to my W you have no right to put ideas in her head, stay away from her..."

Stop having thoughts of your own, please............

And as for ideas! Well, none of that.

V

[Zelda09]

I kept saying STBX wasn't an abuser bc he never tried to isolate me...but that was bc he never told ME who I couldn't talk to, he was working the other angles, this just creeps me out. We'd spent the day in a boat with these friends and he texted my friend this a day later.

[Zelda09]

H won't sign.
We got into a fight today and I relented and agreed to let him pick up his tools and things this weekend before he signed. He said he would but wouldn't say when.
He sent my mother a Happy Mothers Day text the and hour he was telling me "f'ing chit you piss me off...your moronic fears...I'm trying to be kind to you..."

It was so upsetting. And he talked one of my besties today into giving him a tour of her workplace which is a cool thing but she was like WTF.