Really Random Ramblings

[job]

Tsd,
I'm so sorry that your rattie passed away. The time was very close and you've been a good "parent" to the little one and were there when your rattie need you the most. Take some time to mourn your loss, but know that both ratties are now watching over you from across the Rainbow Bridge.

[LouR]

T - I am so sad to hear your news.

((HUGS)) to you

[uRworthy]

So sorry, sweetie. She is at peace now. It will be ok, my friend. It will just take a little time.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

I'm not good. Not good at all.

So sad. On the verge of tears almost all the time. Almost everything has now been taken from me. So much lost. So much death.

I had so much in my head when I sat down to write this, but don't even know how to start or put it into words. Can't even remember it all.

Both of my rats are now gone.

They were probably a bigger part of my life than they should have been. But...they were all I had. They were my BEST friends. They were really my ONLY friends.

I'm so, so tired. And so done.

Last night, I wanted to sit in the shower with the lights out like I used to right after XW left. Her MLC really did a number on me I'm afraid. Messed me up.

Five years ago, the rat thing wouldn't have even bothered me. Now, I'm just sad. So very sad.

People have told me that I should get more rats or a dog. I honestly don't think it would be healthy for me to ever have a pet again. I would love to get more, but I don't want to go through this every two years. I'm done with the sadness. That's all my life has been for the past 5 years. One thing after another.

I feel so bad for my boys because they have lost everything too. Maybe we are cursed.

I'll post more later.

[beatrice]

Tad, I am really sorry for your loss.

Maybe this isn't the time to comment, but you posted

I feel so bad for my boys because they have lost everything too. Maybe we are cursed.

This thinking will not help them at all. I know you love your boys - I have sons who are now adult who have lived through this, with great sadness and are now thriving. I would say they are strengthened by it.

It really is how we choose to respond to these blows. They are watching your example, your courage, your response. Please be an example to them of someone who can face and overcome. It isn't easy, but with support from here and therapy you can change how you view the world and what it throws at you. And if you can, they will see they can too.

You can break the cycle and be free.

[Wonka]

Tad,

I am sorry that you are feeling utterly lost right now after losing your ratties. Mourn them. Then honor them. Then be happy.

I too lost two dogs to cancer and I have decided not to get them for a while. That was good because it freed me up to go out more often as I did not have the obligation to go home at a certain time to feed them or worry about them if I had to be away for some length of time.

I had so much freedom and I made the most out of it. Met many friends, traveled, and experienced many cool things.

Last night, I wanted to sit in the shower with the lights out like I used to right after XW left. Her MLC really did a number on me I'm afraid. Messed me up.

Wow. It is still about how she did this to you many, many years. You're giving XW waay too much power over your life. That's no fun at all.

You are the director of your own life. You are the prop person, you are the casting director, you are the makeup person, you are the stage manager.

You live in Arizona, right? Get out and join some fun, cool clubs....hiking club, birdwatching club, whatever strikes your imagination.

I have a family member who has never been married and recently retired not too long ago. She keeps herself busy by volunteering at the local food pantry two times a month, participates in a specialized craft club that meets weekly, and tries to meet up with friends for lunch/dinner at least once a week. Recently went on a art tour at one particularly noteworthy landmark with a friend.

My point is: you NEED to be around other people. It is only done through putting yourself out there. Things don't just fall in your lap.

People won't know you if you continue to stay locked up inside your apartment all the time.

In fact, I am now planning to join a group of friends at a camping event to celebrate a friend who is a 4th of July baby. Blow out fun! How I met them...through one friend, then became friends with others in the same circle. My point being this: my life is rich because I pushed forward and put myself OUT there. Hey, I didn't get rolled over like Gromit so I must being doing something right.

I feel so bad for my boys because they have lost everything too. Maybe we are cursed.

This is a false narrative. If I were to sit down and have a chat with them, I would probably think they're living full lives with their music, friends, work, etc.

Nobody is cursed. There's no such thing. It is all in your head.

All I have to point Rose Kennedy as a shining example. She faced tremendous losses in her life and she still forged ahead with that bright, retina-searing Kennedy smile right into her ripe old age.

[Mighty]

Hi Tad! I'm sorry about your rattie.

I agree with bea. I do think you can break this idea and be a guiding light for your boys.

I also agree with Wonka. It was a great post. I know, though, that it can be difficult to p/u those ideas of GAL. I know sometimes, it made me upset... like.... I don't want to do those things! But, that's not the point. The point is, there are so many things to do! You just need to find what fits you, Tad.

I have been in some low places. But, I'm worried, Tad. I want to see some motivation from you to make things better.

And the bottom line is... no one is going to do it for you.

You have to do it! Just like Wonka said, you are the director of your own life.

I know I felt that I was kind-of... waiting... for someone... something... I don't know... to make it better???!!!!

It's not gonna happen.

You can do it! You just have to FORCE yourself to do the hard work. Have you called to talk with anyone? It took me over a year and a few people before I found the right one. Just because it didn't work the first couple of times... I knew there was more out there. So, don't give up!

You can find the right one, too. Now, I don't think about things when I'm invited. I'd think of reasons of why not... now I just do. It took a lot of work and some time to get here. But now, I'm loving it!

Tad, seriously.. I have been in dark places. I can relate to many of your posts, but it is up to you to free yourself from it. Forget the beast of burden. Beat it. Forget about xw. She will not get you out of this. You may feel she put you here, but who will get you out? You.

Do it. I know you can! I can't wait to see it. One foot in front of the other. It takes time, patience, work... but it's worth it. No doubt.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Bea, Wonka and Mighty.

I get what you are all saying....I really do. I'm just in a very dark and lonely place right now.

You're right Wonka. It isn't all XW's fault. It just seems like it snowballed from there.

Lost my marriage and best friend.
Lost my career.
Lost my house and car.
Lost two dogs and a cat.
Lost 2 colleagues to suicide.
Lost my X FIL.
Lost my mom.
Lost every relationship I had with XW's family.
Lost my brother to suicide 1 year before XW's MLC.
Lost my rats.
My only other brother is addicted to drugs and I haven't seen or heard from him since 4/2014.....nobody has.

Found out today that my dad was hospitalized and isn't doing too well.

When my rat died, she was resting on my chest. She went to scratch her side and then her other side. Then she cocked her head to look at me, opened her mouth and that was it. Just like that. Thirty minutes before she was drinking water, eating a grape and licking yogurt off of my finger.

Death is kind of funny. Funny in how it just occurs and just freezes the person/thing dying in time. My brother died with a smile on his face.

I don't have any friends or activities outside of work.

I'm about to reach a point...

I'm getting where I just don't give a sh!t about anything anymore.

I have no family left and I have no friends.

Therapists? I've been to three. Haven't found one that I like yet. My rats were the best therapy.

I work, sleep and eat. I don't even have my rats anymore. I rarely do anything outside of my apartment. I'd like to do some things, but can't really find anything that interests me. Nothing does. I'm just blah.

When my rattie died, it was more rough than I thought it would be. It hurt. A lot.

On the news, I saw that somebody abandoned hundreds of domesticated rats in a park here in Arizona. Rat rescues are stepping in and capturing them and trying to find homes for them. I want to help so bad, but am afraid of getting attached again. I feel guilty about that too because I'm putting my feelings first instead of helping....

I'm so afraid of getting attached to anything because I fear it'll just be taken away...It is sad, but true. My whole life has been having things taken away. In the last five years, it has multiplied.

I don't know where to go from here. Nothing interests me anymore. I have no motivation or desire for anything...

[LouR]

Hi Tad, wow, that is quite a list .... and I am sure there are a lot of us in the world that can identify with it - I for one.

I really get how you feel, I have been there; the darkness that fills every space of your body and life, it can so easily consume you and take you into its depths, to make you ask the question "what is the point".

Tad - its about changing your mindset, making the decision to not let this crapola that you have been served up rule you any longer. I know it's hard to find the enthusiasm to take the first step, but believe me my friend, once you take the first move, the second is easier and so it goes on.

I like you have lost my life as I knew it - if you told me 18 mths ago that I would be alone, a cleaner in a budget supermarket to make rent, family all but gone, husband and best friend gone, money gone, home gone - I would have laughed and said "nah, not possible" yet here I am - but I listened to the peeps here, I went out and met people, yep me, all alone walking into a room of people I did not know, going to a party where I only knew the birthday girl, flying across the world on my own - I did it, I met people, I made new friends, I experienced new things ...I am rebuilding my life. I have made this my "year of yes" - to be brave and do things I would have never done pre bd. My life is moving forward once more, I smile again, I laugh again and I see a future for myself -

It is possible, you can do it - YOU can do it - just take the first step ...... Dont let this darkness win, you are deserve so much more.

((hugs))

[Sotto]

Tad, I'm so sorry for your losses. I just read Man's search for meaning by Frankl. A holocaust survivor, he said that we may still find meaning in life when faced with a hopeless situation. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. It sounds as though you need to find new meaning in your life.

From your post above, you are focusing on all the losses in your life, of which there have been many and my heart goes out to you. I suffered many losses after BD. Husband, house, stepson, job, pets, way of life. But we are where we are. And there are new joys and meaning to be found in life.

Perhaps you could start making baby steps forward towards this? Are there some mini goals that may start to move in that direction? Keep posting Tad. Things may seem dark right now, but they truly will get better.

((((Tad))))