The road less travelled....

[JellyB]

Thanks Cadet! I have no idea how to link my threads . I would appreciate some guidance. Thanks JBx

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2547551#Post2547551

[JellyB]

Thank you Cadet!

[JellyB]

Dearest RD and Zues, I wasn't really ready to write this post. I had been in quiet reflection for a few days trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings. However I feel that I needed to say something so you don't worry about me.

This time of reflection was prompted by what ended up for me, to be some quite enthused but intensive postings on my thread, Zues' and Gan's. The exchanges on lots of different levels have made me realise lots of things, and I have been sifting through things to come to some insight and conclusions. I was likely going to post them shortly.

However you lovely men have been so kind to post your thoughts and caring wisdom that I felt I needed to respond sooner rather than later to clear a few things up.

Your last comments on the closing of my thread, made me laugh to myself and then I realised that this was not a laughing matter. Why you ask?

Well as far as I was concerned, my comments in response to RD, were just my reflections of time passed, feelings passed, mere comments made on intense memories and some truths which in the recent past would have made me feel overwhelmed, pained, an deathly sad.

BUT.... I haven't felt like that in a couple of weeks. This is what I have been reflecting on, two weeks of feeling balanced, connected and peaceful. It is has been a little disconcerting as it has been some time since I have felt these feelings. I have not in two weeks, had any thoughts of hopelessness or overwhelm - no depressive/suicidal thoughts at all. My birthday was a little knock, but I bounced this time, quite quickly. Surprised me!

So your last posts did make me chuckle. And then I thought my god these lovely gorgeous men, just turned into my ex! These sensitive men, thought that my reflections were communicating unhappiness. For me my comments were just a statement of fact about the recent past.

I thought OMG this is the impression that I constantly left on my ex. That I how I express my internal world, made him think that I was so unhappy with myself with him all the time, and this wasn't the case, by far. Man oh man, no wonder I have been in such trouble!

I read your words and I hear my ex speaking the same words. I hear my ex saying don't wallow, move forward, be in the here and now, you have so much to offer, you're sexy fun, attractive, so much potential.

Look I maybe projecting my stuff about my ex onto you two lovely men, but it is interesting that my vulnerability brings this out in men. Are you protecting me, caring for me, parenting me. Is that what I am looking for? Is this the co-dependeance playing itself out?

Three or four weeks ago, I would not have been able to handle or manage reading your posts. Two more men who think I am sad and mad and complicated and intense. Today, well it is just interesting. I don't actually disagree too much with your comments. RD I do need to love myself. Zues I do agree that a man needs to feel that he can make his partner happy. I feel I have communitcated these insights, but maybe I haven't and maybe I need to give more thought about how I express myself.

Look I have so much more to say about the insights and change I feel I have had recently but, I'm not quite there yet, and not ready to share. I think I need to try it on and see what it feels like a little longer before I talk about it.
My apologies for the above not being very well articulated or expressed. And please in no way think I am not taking your care and input for granted. That is not the case. I am so grateful to you both. What a blessing you both are to me. Today I have seen myself not only through your eyes, but through my own. And the view is interesting!

As V says, you are my higher power shining a light in my life.

Thank you Z and RD

JB XXXX

[Tulo]

I think it was a great post sweet bean and I'm glad that you have come to this insight. Both for your sake, but also for mine. Because I'm starting to think that I want to ask him this come Saturday. -Have you felt like you made me happy? And listen to his reply. He has, but maybe he doesn't feel that or know that. I think he does know, but hey.. I'm the one who thought he loved me so all bets are off at this point.

I send you a massive hug, sweet! Thinking of you! xxx

[Zues126]

I'm relieved to hear you're doing better. Yes, when someone discusses suicidal feelings I take it very seriously. I have no way of knowing how serious it is. What I do know is that my STBX nearly deprived our children of having a mother not long ago. Maybe I'm a bit jumpy.

Yes, I think you either projecting or misinterpreting a lot here. Please show me where I told you I thought you were "sad and mad and complicated and intense"? If you've read my posts on your thread and other threads you'll see they are all similar content, all delivered in similar fashion. The only difference seems to be in how they're interpreted.

If you need some time, you don't need to post for our sake. Now that we know everything's ok we will be just fine as well.

Thanks JB.

[JellyB]

Well it's been a big week...I have been trying to get my head around some positive changes in mood and outlook, but also realising the the things that haven't quite taken yet ^^^^^^^^^ ( Zues, im gonna try and get my head around my level of misinterpretation and projections- I am beginning to think this might be the key to unlocking a few more things....PS I didnt mean to make you jumpy).

I have also been training new staff at work...and I love it! It had been super exhausting, and while on a liquid diet this week for stomach surgery I am having this morning, life has felt very busy but rewarding.

As I said ^^^^^^^ there is more to say...


Love to you all xxxxx

[Zues126]

No worries JB, take your time. Any inquiries I make are strictly to make sure you're ok and because I thought it made it easier for you to keep sharing if you were invited. Now that I know you're doing well and feel comfortable sharing when the timing is right I don't want you to feel obligated to post daily or anything like that. I agree it can be good to let stuff marinate for a while, and I can see how DB forums can even be a bit of a safe place to practice communicating and interacting with each other to see the impressions we give each other and the patterns that we fall into. It's all good.

[rd500]

Hi JB. Hope the surgery goes well. Take care and positive thoughts. Rd

[Vanilla]

]

Thank you RD, I did not expect you to read my sitch.

That is RD, one of the most supportive generous DBers on the board.

I think one of the hard things about it all about ex, is that he never gave me a long list of things I did and didn't do. Or alternatively no I don't love you anymore, nothing. What he did say is that I wallow,

Is H right? Do you wallow?

that I should have done more not to allow him to take me for granted,

So H likes his ladies hard to get?

and that I needed to be , this one broke my heart but "someone worth marrying".

I confess Jb, I really don't know what you mean by this.

He said that there was something about him that triggered something in me, and that my feelings of suicide at that end were the last straw for him.

Lets examine this a little. You are responsible for Jb okay. But your H made a commitment for sickness and health. That is a vow not a straw.


See he made it all my fault.

Well it isn't anyone's fault. It just is the position at a point in time.

And that just confirmed a lifetime of it being my fault.. that I deserved to be abused as a child, and the only way to get noticed in my family was to lol after others and be the "good girl".

Jb, this is a very important statement. In my opinion almost the most important thing you have said. Healing childhood hurt is vital to recovery and my lovely Jb, I am asking you what have you done to heal this? I am not asking you to discuss it here as some things are very personal and private. We can chat at the big house (my thread) when you come for tea, failing that discussions with an IC may help. Healing childhood abuse will help the unhappy fragile projection to heal.

None of this seems real to me any more, it just feels like it's happened to someone else.

Some childhood abuse leaves us unattached (not detached which is different) to ourselves. In some cases on some issues leaves us unable to relate to key emotions. I used to foster kids, some of which were very abused and they were unattached to their bodies and feelings. it is how they survived.

I feel so out of body at the moment, the effect of change I suppose, where nothing quite feels like it fits,and nothing looks or feels familiar and I think this feeling will last a little while.

I would very much like you to explore this with an IC. Trauma may be causing reversion and stress reactions. Like looking at yourself as a third person or a survival out of body experience. I really care about you Jb and have thought long and hard about this post, especially in light of your more recent comments about the lightness of being. I am female and see this sadness so it isn't just a male view. Healing this could very easily reverse to become one of your most strong assets: vulnerability. Jim is always quote Breen and her talks on TED, if you have a moment explore the talk on vulnerability which is the positive side of this lack of attachment to self.

Thank you for your kind words. One day I would like to believe that he was a fool to leave me, right now though I kinda agree with this position.

I agree a little too, Jb. So this in my book is an important change point for you for your healing.

But maybe there in lies the problem ...

and the enormous opportunity to heal.

Jb, if you are willing I would like to explore this with you. Especially in light of your comments about your image and being seen as sad. I too felt there was this sweet sadness about you. I would like to know what kind of healing you would like and encourage help for you to find the best resources to do that healing.

This underlying vulnerability which seems to be a projection and a shadow from your childhood.

I know you are resting from your op and I would like to discuss this recovery more with you in due course. I sense there is some issue from your childhood that requires resolving. Wonka would call it FOO. (Family of origin issue).

There may be something deeper which reflects on your inner hurting child. This probably requires addressing because the next time a trigger issue arises then you will see the child shadow emerge.

Get well soon and come enjoy the festivities.

V

[Bob723]

Hey lovely Tulo, I'm still here on the sidelines cheering for! Zeus has given you great advice for reflection. Bob his gentle kindness. You maybe missing your man's friendship, but in the mean time we will step up and in. . Xxxx thinking about you xxxx JB

Hello JB,

How did the surgery go? Please let us know when you can.

I noticed the quote from you in Tulo's thread. Such kind words.

Thank you - you made my day JB.

Bob