Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Pyrite]

I am seriously considering buying out my W in family house. Also claiming full- custody. This could backfire on me, but I am starting to think it is not so far fetched that the court would lean my way. BTW, I can still do the house thing, without claiming full-custody.

I'm not the mother, but in every other respect, I am the better parent. Especially now.

Everyone is urging me to be firm and even go on the offensive here. So far I have bent to her every whim. Her magic card - full custody. She has as far as I know not deliberately played it. Nor may she even know she holds it. She may be showing me mercy by allowing me 50/50 without a fight. She very likely does not want full custody because she couldn't cope. Especially given her new romance.

This would be a huge 180!! Bonus - not motivation.

Things could force this is in a few hours when/if I hear back from her re: her tour of proposed school in agreed compromise location. Stand ready to put out the fire.

[Zues126]

Py- I can't remember. Do you have a DB coach? An IC? Have you hired an L?

Remember, there is no "better parent". The children NEED both their parents.

If you read through my sitch you'll see I was in a spot where I really was concerned about my STBX's ability to be a mother. She was just released from the hospital for a suicide attempt (taking pills with our 3 year old downstairs while the other kids were at school), she drove back to the house (I would visit them at the house because I didn't have a place yet) very drunk, told me she would end it all for real if she lost the children (obviously trying to manipulate me into not taking action for her behavior), and did some other things that were off the rails. I was SERIOUSLY worried that she wasn't able to parent the children.

But you know what? I also knew that if I tried to scoop full custody to "protect" them, their mom would go nuts. She might kill herself, which wouldn't be ideal, or she might dedicate her life to a court battle bordering on crusade. And even if I "won", THE KIDS WOULDN'T HAVE THEIR MOM. And right or wrong, it would be based on my decision.

I had to ask myself...was launching a crusade and taking the mom away from her children REALLY a worthy cause? Was that REALLY better than just accepting that they would have some bad influences around them (I found out later OM had been spending the night 1-2 times a week for months, he'd never said a word to the kids, they thought it was 'weird' another guy was there they didn't know)? Yeah, this situation stinks, but taking the mom from her children should be TRULY A LAST RESORT.

Instead I continued to monitor the situation, and so far, it's been ok. I had a scare a couple of months ago when she didn't answer the door when she was supposed to (for those that were there with me for that morning of terror- thank you!). I see signs that she's drinking heavily and know that isn't ideal. But she is there mom, and they have a right to a relationship with her unless it is a matter of physical safety. And I can use MY parenting skills to show them MY version of how to live life.

OK...I'm taking a breath. I agree that relocating the kids is a big deal, and you need to know your rights. I agree that you need to stand up for your parenting rights because your kids need you.

But please, please, be very careful about declaring yourself a better parent, or justifying doing anything to interfere with their relationship. To me, taking a kids from their parent is about the only thing in this world I think could be more criminally destructive than a divorce.

PS- I don't agree with 'going on the offensive'. My L told me she starts with a very fair offer, but doesn't back down from what's right. She says that most of the time she settles quickly, but even when people drag it out through courts she usually gets what she asked for in the beginning. She insisted there is no 'strategic' reason to start off by being threatening or unreasonable. Do what you know to be right. What she's done to you is hard. Letting her impact how you choose to live and respond...that would be tragic.

[Pyrite]

No DB coach yet. Have an IC. Moving to another IC for ...."comparison". No L, yet.

My sitch is no where near as dramatic as yours!

BUT

Letting her impact how you choose to live and respond...that would be tragic.

She's not choosing so much how, but where. I'm in a position that she WONT compromise on where she is relocating to. She has agreed tentatively that the kids (and me) can live 30-40 minutes away. But the reality is this is NOT workable.

So either she stupidly goes ahead with this only to find out after a few months what a drain it is, or she realises it now. Sooner or later she will realise that the only thing in the way here is the 50/50 arrangement. SO she will L me for full custody.

OR I cave and relocate to her preferred location.

OR I can fight it. But this will be clawing my way back. In the meantime, d4 needs to start school. SO where? And I would prefer not moving her again.

Strategically I think it may be better for me to make that move now, highlighting that she is the one guilty of "abandonment". We are all happy with existing location, schools, daycare, proximity to grandparents etc. (Thats why we chose here after 12 months of searching) The ONLY drawcard to W's proposed relocation is 3 month old job. Otherwise it is 1.5-2 hours further away from everything in ALL our lives.

One last thing - I think you might be being a bit generous. I understand and have faith that you are monitoring the sitch, but i would advise against adopting a stance of such benevolence. I have a family member who grabbed their kid from the alcoholic mother. The mother then had another kid with some long gone deadbeat. The sibling was not related to my cousin, so out of his control. Nonetheless the two kids grew up together. the rescued kid is great now (20 years later). the other - well lets just say ...not so good.

[Zues126]

Makes sense. I fully support you doing everything you can to keep her from leaving town with the children. I don't see how that's in their best interest. But run everything through your L and IC. It's good to have checks and balances.

I get where you're coming from on my sitch. There are a lot of factors that go into it. I stand by my decision. She has problems as a human and a parent, but we all do. Taking the kids away from their mom just isn't in the cards unless I feel she's truly off the rails for the count. As is, she's still taking care of them. She was at our S's concert last night with a video camera capturing the experience. She's managing. I think she's settling into a rhythm. Still may be alcohol/pot/OM...but nothing that doesn't go on in MANY households where kids live. Just the reality.

But if she gives me a reason I am mentally and spiritually prepared to protect my children.

Praying that doesn't happen and I am skeptical it will. I think things are settling down.

[Pyrite]

But if she gives me a reason I am mentally and spiritually prepared to protect my children.

i dont doubt that. Great to hear you are keeping an eye on it. I know several cases like this. I started to tell you about it one time. about custody sitch can change in time re: custody. 2 people I know, one very close, W's were WWs, and assumed full custody. By the time the kids were teenagers they lived with their Dad b/c Mum was just messed up. Except one of the kids that enjoyed parent being oblivious and could handle Mums behaviour otherwise. That kid also ended up in a ....not so good way.

The others are great all love their Mum still, just acknowledge she is screwed up. Actually, they are reassuringly quite mature about it, having lived with their Dads influence.

[Pyrite]

BTW - in all cases but one of the kids - they asked their fathers if they could come and live with him. in the remaining case, Mum dropped the kid on the front lawn of Dads with a suitcase. barely even slowed down the car.

[Pyrite]

I didn't see W for nearly 3 months. now 4 times in 4 weeks. 1st was OK I guess some tension mostly she was angry at me. 2nd time she yelled at me for days before and after. Last 2 have been civil. I am concerned that is the new norm for us. I suspect that sounds a little crazy.

[Huddy]

Pyrite

Similar problem for me. W says she's moving 230 miles away and I don't want that to happen, especially with the kids. Have been thinking long and hard about legal moves, but it just doesn't seem right to drag loved ones through the court system.

If she's started to talk (yell) at you, at least there is some commuication to work on. I think I'm coming around to taking action as a last resort and just letting time take its course. I see you're a couple of monts further down the road than me, so I hope you can get some positive resolution.

[Pyrite]

Thanks Huddy. I should be thankful really. I'm not that far. I actually have custody ATM. I am just p**sed I suppose that W is running the show completely. And it is n't like I did before as it has been suggested.

I never thought I would be in this position to say to someone else - but you are very early in your sitch. Time marches on I suppose. I'll have to check out your thread to know more detail.
-Py

[Pyrite]

I spoke to lawyer at legal aid and here at least W is not allowed to put kids in a school without my consent. However, as with other stupid laws I have come across, the catch is that is not actually illegal either.

So, if she does take this action, then I have to petition courts and get judge to order reversal or whatever. As I anticipated, problem with this is that it could take 12 months to get through. SO it would be 1 year of ...."crap". only to then move kids out of one school and into another. they have been through enough already without this added trauma.

quiet day otherwise. the further away I get from BD, and less emotional, the less likely it seems that I will ever have R with W. 1. She is in love with OM. That has to end first, and in reality it may never. 2. It is beginning to sound ridiculous to me. its like choosing which horse you want to ride for the day and saying "yeah I want that one, he kicked me off last time". (I was meaning from W's perspective, but could be mine as well really). So could a new horse as well, but you never know that.