Yes, our stories sound very similar. I was still receiving affection-kisses, hugs, I love you up until we had our blow out on March 13. I could tell our relationship was getting worse and he was pulling further away. Out of fear and hurt, I said that I think we should get divorced and I hated living in our house with him. I think I wanted to be the first to say it, but also I did not really mean it. I wanted a divorce from the state of our marriage, not my H.
Sex and intimacy has been off for a many years, but there was still some engagement, companionship, friendship, moments of tenderness and support all throughout our M. I had no idea that H was so unhappy and having A. He said he would cry on drive up to school and home. Never told me any of this. I said that I would have expected some sort of ultimatum or communication that he needed our M to change or he would have to leave. Said it was not right for him to say something like that to me?? How I am I to know then how bad it was for him? I was in pretty bad depression/state most of last year due to ending an 11 year relationship with my career due to merger. One of the worst years of my M. I can honestly tell you I remember very little of last year. H said he made effort to try and rekindle last year, but I don't think I would have ever have seen it in my state. Given all that I have supported him through with school for over 12 years and considering the year I had last year, I am extremely hurt and feel used that he is considering not trying to really attempt fix our M. We honestly have never tried, so I am do fearful of regret for both of us. we have never given a fair chance to flourish. If he was willing last year, why not now. It was not that long ago. It keeps coming back to my saying D word. Plus, he has A which probably makes he feel what he could have outside of me, even if it is not reality.
What is interesting is that my H was having A since October, but all he is focusing on is that I said that I want D. Blames me for A and talks so negatively about M. Does not believe me when I tell him that D is not what I want and that it came out from a place of hurt and fear.
That being said, GAL and working on me makes me realize what a fool he would be to walk away. All of our issues are totally fixable. He also would not be where he is without having meet and married me. He would have never have gotten PhD. For that I get nothing and that makes me so angry.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Just came home from birthday celebration and found birthday present on bed and birthday card from H. Card did not say much, but was signed Love H. I am actually quite pleasantly surprised. I had made myself not have expectation for anything. Said thank you and was nice, but did not over do it on enthusiasm. Chatted for a bit as he was in room with door open and light on reading, but I kept it short and went to my room and closed door.
Thoughts on my response?
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Your story totally resonates with me. Like you I was receiving hugs, affectionate kisses, emails and texts with I love you through out our M and basically up until when he told me he couldn't rekindle the passion. Like you I supported my H through university for his teaching degree. How sad is it that our Hs couldn't talk to us about their unhappiness. My H told me he's been trying to find his passion for quite a while and like your H mine has also cried countless nights. Like you, there were positive elements in our M like companionship, friendship,shared happiness with our two Ds and we share similar interests, elements I thought would get us through this sitch but it wasn't enough. Last year, my H experienced extreme work stress along with our M issues. The work stress has continued this year. I was waiting for my H to open up to continue discussing our M and I was getting frustrated. He finally opened up to say he wanted out.
I too am feeling hurtful that my H is throwing away 14 years of M, our family of 4 and does not want to fix it. My H and I tried a few sessions of marriage counselling last year but didn't continue, I wish we had as I don't want to feel any regrets like yourself that I didn't give it all to save my M.
Doing a lot of GAL activities with my Ds, friends and family (and I think H has noticed) its what's keeping me distracted from the emptiness I currently feel.
Keep posting hopefully we can support each other to get through this.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Had good convo with DB coach and think I am heading down the right path. Detach, GAL, LRT, but not overly so. If H tries to engage, then engage as a friend would. If there's is a good connection, then stay cool and calm so H does not get the feeling I am overly excited about the moment. DB coach thinks these good moments we are having is causing H to have confusion about D. There is clearly something keeping my H from going, at least right now.
Not seeing. Ton of initiatve, brut definitely a shift in behavior from last week.
One question I did not ask DB coach. I know that my H has lied about details of A. Should I just leave this for now and focus on A if we get to reconciliation? I think he has finally ended A as of last week.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
If you feel the need for details regarding the A, he will have to comply with that respectfully... but only after you two have agreed to piece your marriage back together.
One, you're not in piecing if he brings up the possibility of R. You're in piecing when he is ready to COMMIT to doing 100% to rebuild- AND he is willing to back that up with committal action (letter of no contact, passwords on phones/email, etc.). So it might be a good idea to know what you'd need to be black and white about whether he met YOUR requirements for piecing. If you're too desperate to have requirements you will ENABLE his As and be responsible for the failure of your M. You must be strong!
Two, at that point the details of the affair may not be something you want to focus on. Listen...and we're in fairy land now, but if that comes to pass there is NOTHING he's going to say that will restore your trust or take away the pain. Something was destroyed that will never completely heal. It stinks. So digging digging digging to try to get answers, clarity, etc, that may drive you insane and destroy the chances of R. Yes, you have a right to have him be honest to a point if it helps with closure, but you also will have to be able to let it go.
Letting it go will be as hard as letting him go now. In a way this is practice for acceptance.
But right now talking about the A is futile. Yeah, he lied. Don't tell me that "It's one thing to have an A, but to LIE to me..." If he lies again and you know it tell him to stop, that you know he's lying, and you won't be disrespected that way. But other than actively shutting down a conversation in which he's lying I don't see any reason to focus on the A at all. It it pursuing, controlling, and not effective.
PS- be warned. Rebound relationships can come and go. My STBX told me a few times she broke it off with OM. One time she told me that at 2AM and was crying that she missed our M and was thinking of ending it all. I went over there because I was concerned about her...only to find OM sleeping in the bed. So there idea of 'breaking up' is sometimes nothing more than intent. Or a mood.
DETACH. GAL. LONG JOURNEY. PLEASE!!!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, thanks as always for your well thought out replies. All understood. Will drop the A for now unless I know he is lying.
I am actually doing great with detaching and GAL. I will admit it the time thing is hard. I do feel 100% in my heart and soul right now that it will be H's loss if he lets me go. If that is what he chooses, then he is clearly not as smart as I thought.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Mixed feelings today. Had nice article/interview published online about me for work/job. Sad that I feel like I can't share it with one person I want to, but happy about my work success.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
My H does not seem like he is going to bother coming home tonight. Had business trip on Wednesday and was back in town on Thursday. Went straight to office, so I did not seen him at all yesterday. It is now 3am. Assume he is with OW?? I was pretty sure that A had not ended and this seems to likely reinforce this. Not sure where else he would be. He has never altogether not come home.
I feel like this is at a point that he is showing so much disrespect that I need to set some boundaries and or tell him he can no longer live here. There is only so much you can detach from.
Advice anyone?
Last edited by BW05; 05/08/1508:46 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
