Thanks, Raliced. Not just today, but for all the times you have been looking out for me.
I surmise, then, that such a boundary (for lack of a better term) is not enforceable - as it was not in the case of your STBX.
It is just another reminder that I cannot control my W, that she will do whatever she pleases, and, most importantly, that I really need to move forward with D.
On another note, My S13 Bar-Mitzvah is in a few days. I am worried it is going to be quite awkward. There are going to be individuals from my side of the family who know about Ws A, and individuals from Ws side who know about her A. Then there are going to be those who are entirely oblivious to the whole thing. They are all going to converge onto my home. My BIL is a L and has been counselling W. How am I even going to look at him.
I have no idea what is going to happen. I hope it does not get hostile. I am also not sure what precautions to take, if any. I am feeling pretty nervous about the whole thing.
On the kids and OP, raliced said it all and eloquently. I can only add my own story as an example. It started, like everyone else, with WW denying with outrage that there was anybody, in her heart or in her pants.
OM is a colleague of WW. He was introduced to the kids as a friend during the move. He would come in to assemble the furniture, making them participate. He would bring chocolate eggs to my kids (fun fact: chocolate was a big no-no to WW before BD). At some point, the kids would tell me that he was there 4-5 days a week. Then that he was there in the morning ("because he wakes up very early to come and see us!") and then I finally got the email from WW saying it was official between them (my entire response: "Thanks for telling me."). Then the kids would let me know that they went to do the same activities that we used to do as a family (swimming pool, swings at the park). My WW even asked D7 for a drawing of D3, D7, her and OM (ouch!). Then the kids let me know that he was officially moving in, in January, three months after she left me ("to be alone").
Now they tell me little details (I never ask) like how he takes them to the bathroom, pick them up at school or how he gets upset (how much?) when they're noisy (I don't like that he's upset, but I like that he's facing the reality of having kids - he's 29). Now, WW and OM are taking my kids to the beach this summer, in one of the most beautiful place on Earth, realizing a project that WW and I had for years. I don't like it, but so what?
How could I have blocked him from seeing my kids? How could I now? There's just no way to control. Of course, we think or know that these R will just fail, but to them, it's the beginning of the rest of their lives with someone they love, someone who's compatible. It makes no sense to keep the kids away from this new life partner. Also, they are overwhelmed, like we are, and I'm sure they want the help. See: it would make absolutely no sense to them to keep the kids away. You'd look like you're not facing reality, the "new normal".
I see an upside to not intervening. First, there is the basic DB principle to get out of the way, so as not to romanticize their R ("us against the evil world, our love will triumph!") and let it be the boring thing that's not worth a look. Second, let OM feel the full blunt of taking care of kids. Kids do not add to romance when they're not your own, unless you're a very mature person in a good place, not someone driven by desire and selfishness, as they most likely are at the moment. But that's my take right now: I withdraw as much as possible and let reality deal with them, without being responsible for any of it.
raliced: I'm very interested in the research on the detrimental impact of exposing kids to OP. Any pointers? My instinct tells me it's no big deal, but you know me enough to know that I will want to know what the research says and will bow to it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
RAI, no words of wisdom, just my support. I too made the mistake of stating what I thought was a boundary (no communicating with OP while me or the girls are home, no way I can enforce it because there is not way to prove who he is texting) but he knows how I feel.
I'm sure most would advise against it but you could let her know that until the D is final or you are no longer living together you don't want your kids around OM as it is inappropriate. It probably wont change anything especially if they have already been around him, however, for me sometimes I just like to have my voice heard....well, probably not heard, but at least get my feelings out.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Your last post was one of the most sobering posts I have ever read on this site. On the one hand, I feel terrible for you because of how your WW is acting. On the other hand, I have a lot of respect for how you are handling it. Intellectually, I see what you are saying, but emotionally and viscerally, the thought of OM replacing me in our family makes me want to vomit. I do see your point about the upsides: de-romanticizing the A and and making their lives humdrum to hasten the reality check. Nevertheless, it is still a very depressing thought. Aside from breaking up my family, OM is also a very creepy individual. I don't think anyone in our community trusts him - including those that don't know about the A. He does not have a legal record, to my knowledge, but he could be involved in something illegal. I just have no way of knowing. He is just really creepy. I know I sound like a broken record, I just so wish there was some way to keep him away from my children. Not a lot of justice in this world.
but you could let her know that until the D is final or you are no longer living together you don't want your kids around OM as it is inappropriate.
I think I said something to that effect in the past. I don't think I am going to repeat it. I know it will fall on deaf ears, and I feel emasculated enough right now. It could just be my PTSD hypervigilance/paranoia, but I suspect he already drops by my house during the day. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.
I am even more worried that OM will show up at my S13's Bar-Mitzvah. It would give him a lot of satisfaction: I don't know too much about other sitchs, but I really think that OM, in this case, has a vendetta against me. It is not only about his limerance and infatuation with my W - if it is at all. I really suspect that he wants to stick it to me in some way. I know OM very well. Him and his wife were at our house all the time. He seduced my W over a a span of years - right under my trusting nose. I truly wonder whether all of his actions on some level are motivated by inflating his ego by deflating mine and profaning everything I value. Exercising control over my W may just be another manifestation of this.
Regarldess, I think this is one more thing about which I will have to say "Let go and let G-d".
At our last mediation, my STBXW suggested that we keep the kids in the home for the first year and we (the parents) alternate living in the home - one week on/one week off. Does anyone know of this arrangement.
To me, it seems to make it impossible to have a clean break with my W, and makes it difficult for me to detach from my W - prolonging my agony. But it could be better for the kids.
Any thoughts? Has anyone tried this arrangement? I would be curious how it felt, from a DB/detachment perspective.
RAI - I believe the arrangement you are describing is called "bird nesting". I'm not aware of anyone here recently with that arrangement - but you can google it to read up on it.
BTW- I wouldn't completely rule out the possibility that you might be able to keep OM away from kids. Divorce and child custody are very local. I think in the vast majority of places you wouldn't be able to do anything - but it certainly wouldn't to run it by your lawyer and explore options.
Do your best to let go of this during your son's Bar Mitzvah. It's a bout your son. I know its galling, but OM can only bug you if you let him.
Wow...I'm sorry you have to deal with that. What person goes to the home of the person they are having an affair with. What a POS! Sorry...I know you know that. Do other people in the family know about the affair and who it's with? If so, maybe you can have them intervene if he does show up at S13's Bar Mitzvah, politely ask him to leave without making a scene. That way you can focus on your son and not worry about him.
But you're right about not repeating it to her, waste of time.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I really think that OM, in this case, has a vendetta against me. It is not only about his limerance and infatuation with my W - if it is at all. I really suspect that he wants to stick it to me in some way. (...) I truly wonder whether all of his actions on some level are motivated by inflating his ego by deflating mine and profaning everything I value.
There is a lot of mindreading in this and some narcissism (you make his love life about you), but let's say you are right: How great is that?! If so, he has given you a lot of power over him. He will feed at your pain and reactions. If you DB like a jedi, then you will deprive him of oxygen. If you make it look like you're moving on and are happy, you'll quickly suggest to him that he's stuck with your leftovers, rather than your most prized possession. If you stand up like a man to your cheating W, you'll look like a man with principles, while he has none. Do you see what I mean?
By the way, I want to nominate you for the DB Move of the Week, for when you told your WW she wasn't coming back in the marital bed even if you had guests. It sure sounds like a calculated move on her part to force your hand, but you stood firm. I am so very impressed with this.
Team RAI!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
