Winhamn intro - D in process, WAW

[Winhamn]

Well, for me (recall I filed for D...), filing for D was one last way to withdrawl, put up walls, and lash out...

It was only after filing that I realized my contribution to this mess, and when I realized that, I bottomed out in extreme pain which allowed a lot of the crap associated with my childhood abuse to bubble to the surface, which made me realize exactly how much help I needed and how my entire life needed to change, not just my marriage.

Even if I hadn't filed first, she would have.

Anyway Arleen, I'm saying his filing for divorce may be another withdrawl mechanism and a way for him to avoid facing any changes he might need to make.

[Winhamn]

I came home today to find what appears to be a brand new snowblower in the garage.

Of course, per MrBonds observations, I took it rather personal.

She had someone mow the lawn last week. Dunno who, although it looks like they used a commercial zero radius mower. I mow the freakin lawn at my house!

Yep taking that personal too.

I got over it.

Had a great evening with the kids tonight while she cooked her own dinner (she made the kids lunchmeat sandwiches and then cooked this huge meal of fresh food for her) and ate by herself.

So I'm still "being Mr Fun Dad" while she's still taking care of "all the responsibilities" of the house.

Whatever. I know which one of us had a great time and which one of us looked pretty miserable....

In her mind, I'm sure it's all my fault. But I gotta stop worrying about whats in her head.

And yes, I'm jealous of her new snowblower. So what...

[nick615]

Its hard Winhamn. I read what Mr. Bond said and it makes a lot of sense to me about what my W is doing. its not about us and them trying to hurt us. W is scared too and she is doing what she thinks is best for her. I know at times it seems like she is trying to hurt you, but just remember to detach. Im still learning everyday.

[Winhamn]

After closing up the computer last night, I picked up my copy of Co Dependent No More and happened to be right at the chapter "Don't be blown about by every wind" which focused exactly on what MrBond was saying.

Don't be reactionary.

Had a good morning with kids. Another small victory, wife again told me about something going on in her life. Goal review -

My current goals were:

I will engage her about non-kid related subjects and actively listen for 4 out of seven days (I am on track with this one, it's happening almost every day now. I think I'm at 2 days in a row, and one more before the weekend)

I will be outrightly honest with her regarding custody arrangements and I will be respectful of her thoughts and feelings on the subject (I have not been able to make this happen yet. I'm struggling to find the right medium, time, and place)

I will do something with other people each day this weekend. (I did this)

In the next couple days, I probably need to revise these for this week. I know one I can add for sure:

I will complete the PTSI evaluation before close of business Thursday for my IC counseling with CSA specialist on Friday.

[Winhamn]

She emailed saying she wants to talk about custody arrangements tonight. She's trying to drag me into email discussions about it, but I'm not having that.

So I am going to stick to my goal:

I will be outrightly honest with her regarding custody arrangements and I will be respectful of her thoughts and feelings on the subject

[Winhamn]

Custody arrangements talk went poorly...well...in so much as she said a whole lot of hurtful things, such as "I don't care about your feelings", "I can't stand to live with you", "I want you to get the f out of the house as soon as possible".

I very much recognize this is all part of the script, but that doesn't really make it hurt less.

Generally speaking, I remained fairly calm, productive, and tried to listen more then I talked. I did argue a little, and there were some spots I should have validated better or done more STFU, but I did ok.

Tonight, prior to the talk, I was really reminded of why I was so miserable in our marriage. She spent so much time texting instead of taking care of the kids or watching S5's soccer game, it just really gets under my skin.

So between watching her choose her phone over our family, and the things she said, I'm starting to remember why it was me that filed for divorce first....

I'm starting to transfer into that hateful anger stage.

I've been thinking snarky things to say or do all night long, but have managed to keep my mouth shut.

[Winhamn]

Oh one more thing, this is the first time I've really seen her in pain over this process.

I know the pain was not for me. It was her guilt and the prospect of being away from her kids. She started to cry, and it nearly made me start to cry.

But it was refreshing to see something besides cold unemotionalness (I invented that word just now) and anger from her. Even when we told our kids, she showed no emotion.

Only one other time did I catch her with her head slumped down in her folded arms while sitting at the counter....

[GoRoPo]

Thanks for posting on my thread. I just read through the entirety of yours. So many similarities, especially when it comes to the emotions you are going through. Almost like looking in a mirror.

Good luck to both of us!

[Matt777]

Don't really have any advice. But I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.

I hate to say it, but I've noticed it really does feel good to see the W cry about this stuff. They put up such a hard exterior while we are left hurting so much; it's nice to at least see that they care and see that they have actual feelings about all this.

[Winhamn]

Had a good morning. Felt fairly detached.

Exchanged pleasantries with wife in a civil manner.

She was sort of stepping up the "happy" this morning, and frankly it was nice to see her having very positive interactions with the kids.

Caught her catching glimpses of me a couple times. I'm overanalyzing though.

I put a rubber band on my wrist the other day, and I snap myself whenever I think about her or us getting back together, or think of her sexually, or think of her with another guy. It's helped me stay very conscious of what my thoughts are doing.

Matt, it's really hard to remember that they are just broken, scared, hurt people like me and you.

I sure wish I had an answer for all this.