Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Pyrite]

Instead for us co-dependent types it can be hard to give up on the idea that "they need us" and just don't know it. We meet our emotional needs by them needing us, that's how we feel important, valuable, or whatever. So sometimes detaching is hard because even when they're treating us poorly we're still dependent on them for their dependence on us. And even when they insist they don't want our love anymore we believe they need us to wait for them, for the fairy tale ending.

Dude, this is so true. I haven't admitted to myself in those terms before. It gives me new focus. highlights what I need to detach (this layer). I suspect this is tied into my current tailspin. why I am back to talking about W so much.

"Running around that same old hole" - I told you I wasn't just "deciding" to detach, and rather than medicating I have been living with this agony. Trying to find where it coming from. HUH - to all those who always advise me to cut bait. What good can come of this ....."self torture". Moments like this - thats what!

We'll see - but i felt better immediately when I read this. A door has opened .... I love you man.

Your 1st para there at Bob's "intimacy etc was gone at BD". Yes it was. I maintained this co-dependency in the M by working so hard around the house. Being a great, hands-on Dad. Being considerate in the sense of flowers and gifts. BUT the R was screwed. This co-dependency is I think largely what I miss. And I fabricated that. I was getting nothing from her, except that I felt an integral part of IT.

I thought I had more to comment on, but will have to review what I wrote in light of this new +ve light that appeared on re-reading the paragraph.

[Pyrite]

I expect Mr Bond back soon with his club

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think^^ these comments are funny. To me they are not helpful.

Sometimes they sound almost like you are whining about a veteran here, who donates A LOT of his time for free.

But maybe I'm just reading it incorrectly. How about putting the focus on what YOU can do for your life to be better.

ooo ooo this 1st. No disrespect intended at all. MrBond has been a HUGE help to me, and I am indebted. Possibly not a good idea to share private "jokes" on a public forum.

Reading Zeus' earlier threads are very similar to mine, and MrBond (rightly so) gave him a hardy 2*4ing as well. Thats all I was meaning.

[Zues126]

[quote=Pyrite]Thanks Smothy, you too. I never imagined anything so hard. It seems like the past is crapped all over, the future is upside-down, and the present is just rubbing it in.
[color:#3333FF]
This^^ is 100% perception. YES it is. (I know you are already arguing "but no, it's reality and it's unfair to ME and I am hurt"...)

But if another person were to look at your past, they might see a man with 2 healthy children and a job, selling a home and those 3 FACTS alone (your wife cannot change those) make you a fortunate man.

Thanks Py. It's a treat to know that we can help each other along this path.

What 25 says is really powerful. Being appreciative is something I think we need to do DAILY. I remember thinking of it this way: If I look at God and say "God, you gave me healthy children, a successful and challenging career that allows me to provide for my loved ones, good friends, and talents and gifts to share with the world...but I want my M back, and if I can't have it the rest of this is a bunch of crap and I won't be happy!"...if you can't be happy with this life you have...one woman won't change that. (PS- I know you don't believe in God in the same sense as most people, but guess what...neither do I. I use the word because it's easier than trying to explain our own beliefs...it doesn't really matter).

I also know you have gotten into Buddhism and meditation and different times. So have I. One of my favorite Buddhist story is about a man that traveled the world to see the Buddha. He finally got an audience, and proceeded to tell the Buddha all about his problems. His family problems. His crops. His finances. Etc. Buddha calmly nodded.

Finally the Buddha said "I can't help you". The man was upset and asked what he meant. Buddha replied "Everyone has problems. 83 problems to be exact. And there's nothing you can do about it. If you work hard you can solve one, but another will appear in it's place. For example, you're going to lose all of your loved ones at some point, we'll all die. Now that's a problem no one can do anything about."

So the man was furious and asked what the point of being wise was!

Buddha told him he could help with his 84th problem...the desire to not have any problems.


I think this story and appreciation go hand in hand. Spend less time fixing, and more time appreciating.

Glad you're having fun DBing Py...someday you'll look at this period as the bootcamp that made you the person you always wanted to be.

[Pyrite]

25,

thanks so much for your comments. I have the girls this week so I am flat out with them. Even so, there are things I can do. I am starting a book I should've read many years ago about brain healing. I am paying attention to my health for the first time in many years. I have lined up a new IC (BTW MrBond helped me out on this as well) for a few weeks. Have an appt with the old one on Monday, possibly final session with her.

Visited one school yesterday, another one tomorrow.

Have to plan what to do work-wise on house before sale. BIG job.

Thursday night W will drop girls off girls after new schedule of mid-week visit for OTHER parent. So this is on my mind. Not a scheduled 180/GAL though I realise, BUT could be.

i feel I have made a huge breakthrough following Zeus' post about co-dependency. It doesn't address at all where this actually comes from, or resolve it, but it is a huge help to identify and recognise that this IS an issue for me.

[Pyrite]

(PS- I know you don't believe in God in the same sense as most people, but guess what...neither do I. I use the word because it's easier than trying to explain our own beliefs...it doesn't really matter).

Works for me. I do the same. Even in hardcore science presentations I "invoke" His name to stand for the truth, the Universe, that which we dont understand but He does.

Yes. Appreciate. "Its time like these you learn to live/love again" - Foo Fighters. I'm not a FF maniac, just the first example that popped into my head of the "reminders" to appreciate. Also highlights another point though - it is exactly times like these that perpetuate growth.

Hehe - I followed the Buddahs path around the world, I started somewhat by accident. went to birthplace, first sermon, other appearances. Same with Jesus, Mohammad. Turned out to be a year long religious pilgrimage for an atheist, a spiritual atheist, maybe that is a better description of agnostic!?

[Zues126]

(PS- I know you don't believe in God in the same sense as most people, but guess what...neither do I. I use the word because it's easier than trying to explain our own beliefs...it doesn't really matter).

Works for me. I do the same. Even in hardcore science presentations I "invoke" His name to stand for the truth, the Universe, that which we dont understand but He does.

Yes. Appreciate. "Its time like these you learn to live/love again" - Foo Fighters. I'm not a FF maniac, just the first example that popped into my head of the "reminders" to appreciate. Also highlights another point though - it is exactly times like these that perpetuate growth.

Hehe - I followed the Buddahs path around the world, I started somewhat by accident. went to birthplace, first sermon, other appearances. Same with Jesus, Mohammad. Turned out to be a year long religious pilgrimage for an atheist, a spiritual atheist, maybe that is a better description of agnostic!?

Makes me think about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic...he stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog...

[Pyrite]

:-D

[Pyrite]

BTW - my doting W has answered my dilemma about Mother's day. In the email i sent the other day. 1st. Please be discrete....re: boyfriend around d4. 2. do you want the girls Mothers Day.

Response: 1. she must be confused

2. No

Last time this happened was on d4's birthday. again fell in my custody period, so asked her if she would like some time to do something with her. Found out later, picture evidence - she went to a beach day trip with boyfriend. Meanwhile, she told her friends, family, that I wouldn't let her have d4.

just makes me want to go out of my way all that more.

So will leave presents the girls made at daycare/kinder and no word from me.

[Pyrite]

25, i am more conscious of 180s now. they are popping up all over the place. I just now took my watch off. No big deal you might say, BUT I have never worn a watch in my whole life.

[Pyrite]

Remember that 180s don't have to be observed by her for you to do them b/c the 180s have 2+ purposes; only one of which directly involves the WAS.

Those 180s are to counter the negatives the WAS has of the LBSer with new or different Positives...for instance,

if one complaint about you happened to be that you are often late,

You'd become MR PUNTUAL, often arriving early for appointments, for instance.

You demonstrate change that makes her 'data" about you invalid, inaccurate or just no longer applicable.

As you go down the list of her justifications for leaving and address the ones you felt were valid,

you greatly lessen her arsenal...

AND the second reason you do the 180s is b/c you want to become the best, most loving, strong Pyrite that you can become.

this is what I am trying to address more directly now. excellent advice. thanks