Jim0987 #13 - Its life Jim, but not as we know it

[gan]

Nah...I think things for Jim have tipped. I have visions of him off living and loving life, moving forward with his career plans and enjoying time with the kiddos. Hoping for a positive update, Jim.

[Dawn70]

Thinking of you today, my friend. Hoping that you are out there GAL'ing and spending time with your kids and just having a heck of a time. Please update when you can.

[jim0987]

Hi all,

Thanks for checking and the speculation. It made me tempted to leave an update and see whether a properly outlandish theory might emerge

Its been a busy week or so and I'd like to think that Gan is closer to whats been happening with me but there has been a fair chunk of introspection about a few things.

So on the good stuff well I've had the kids for most of the last week and we have filled it with day trips and baking and visiting family so its been nice, particularly the bank holiday -we had a really really good day and the kids were in such a good mood when i dropped them round to my XW at the end of the day.

Work is good, There's some good progess on a couple of things though they could still implode. Its difficult to say much more here. There are a couple of longstanding problems that need to be but i'm confident they will get sorted.

Less good stuff - the physio and I still havent worked out what is wrong with my leg but it is slowly getting better. In the meantime though it means all dancing/squash/yoga and running has all had to stop (for four weeks now )

The other less good is D4's behaviour. its deteriorating and i'm not really sure why or exactly what to do about it other than enforce boundaries and then talk to her when she is calmer. A lot of the time she talks about missing mummy but i dont how much of this is genuine reaction. I feel like i should talk to XW about it but i dont want to give the impression that i cant handle things.

So interaction with my XW has been much more normalised (tolerable coworker normal rather than friendly). handovers have involved basic pleasantries and XW has even volunteered information about her movements. I'm being postive all the time with her and it has mixed responses but its not about the reaction for me.

As for the introspection, well thats been about where i am in the scheme of things. I'm trying to move on with my life as best I can and i have a good idea of what i want from it. I've also confirmed that I definitely seem to have a type for women i'm attracted to.

I do still love my XW and I always will - despite everything i dont see that changing and I will always think we were a good match. I told my brother (much to his despair) that i married the right person for the right reasons, it just hasnt worked out how i wanted.

If my XW decides she wants to try and make things work then at the moment i'm open to and would like that (despite some reservations) but i'm basing all my decisions and plans on the basis that wont happen

what I can choose to do instead is accept whats happened (the headspace acceptance pack actually helped on this) and move on. I do still feel my mood drop when I think about my XW with someone else but its less of a drop and shorter in duration.

I havent completely removed my concerns about some of her complaints about me, but some of it I can recognise and adjust, some of it i now see was more about her, but most of it was much more about the dynamic, and some of the discussions on these boards has really helped me to understand that.

So all in all, I think i'm doing good and am very grateful for the support i've recieved here.

Hope you are all well and having a good [INSERT REFERENCE RELATIVE TO TIME ZONE]

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Your sounding good mate. Good to see your leaving the door open for W in some way. D4 must be hard but at the end of the day she's a baby and Thai must be hard for her. I hope you get it sorted for all your sakes. Take mate. Rd

[Dawn70]

So glad to see you posting again. I pray and send positive vibes your way every single day. You are on my list, my friend! Thanks for popping by my thread...I always appreciate your insight. Molly says to send a tail wag your way. Take care, Jim!

[Sotto]

Hello Jim - it sounds like you are in a pretty positive and steady place. Glad to hear you are finding work rewarding, and you seem pretty settled in terms of your feelings towards your W.

WRT D4, I'm not sure whether you read the stuff that Mozza posted about his technique with the kids - of really, really making them feel that they have been heard. I was interested to read it, and he thought it had made quite a difference....just in case that's of interest. It was what popped into my head when I read your post above.

I agree it's probably best to just try and tackle it yourself if you can. Things have warmed up a little with your W, but she may take any convo as inference that it's the sitch (ie 'her fault') that has caused D's behaviour to change. Just MHO anyway, and I'm by no means an experienced parent!!

Glad to hear you are doing okay, and hope you manage to get things sorted with your knee soon too. Take care Jim :-)

[gan]

I do still love my XW and I always will - despite everything i dont see that changing and I will always think we were a good match. I told my brother (much to his despair) that i married the right person for the right reasons, it just hasnt worked out how i wanted.

I'm with you on this one. It would be easier if it weren't true....
Hope the leg gets better quickly. Presumably your foot is all better now?

[jim0987]

Evening,

I've posted around a little bit and thought I should update my thread

Thanks for asking about my leg gan - its getting better and hopefully within a couple of weeks i might be able to start light exercise again. The foot is all better but the physio has said that its probably not a coincidence that its the same leg.

In terms of my situation well there are two parrallel tracks - the relationship with my XW and then what is happening elsewhere

on the elsewhere first then i've been doing a reasonable job of building up some more social connections to the extent that there are very few days when i dont either have the kids or a social plan, so thats a nice problem to have. sometimes i do have to question the sense of my decision making though.

on the XW front - well the interaction is still odd and there are still big unnecessary delays in communications about the kids. either 1) she has completely changed her relationship with her phone or (and much more likely) 2) messages from me are ignored for a while usually a day or two.

We had D4's birthday party at the weekend and it went well. D4 was very happy and it was the longest XW and I have been in the same room since probably BD. we chatted a little but not too much and so it was friendly enough and civil. we had a couple of moments with the kids where it was almost like our normal family which were nice but accompanied by that pang of regret over the situation.

PF was there, i didnt know she was coming but expected, I chatted to her and we talked about our respective jobs and to be honest it now means PF knows more about what is happening in my life than XW

After the party XW very reluctantly invited me back to hers so that we could both be present while D4 opened presents. again there was some casual chat but it was mostly practical kid stuff. I was only there maybe 45 minutes but it was clear she was keen for me to leave ASAP so i said my goodbyes and left.

So all in all i think it was very positive for D4, as it showed her that we could both be involved in her life without there being too much in the way of difficulty bing between us. There is also no denying things are warmer from XW but at the moment thats a bit like comparing summer and winter in the antartic, yes the difference is massive but its still covered in ice and freezing B****y cold!!

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Little acorns mate. Rome wasn't built in a day. Can't think of anymore but you get the drift. With D4 sounds like she had a great day which is all important. Your doing well mate and doing all you can. Also you sound really positive so kudos for that.


Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Hi Jim, I also think that sounds pretty positive - and nice for your D4 that you were both able to do that - bless her!!

I hear what you are saying about 'arctic comparisons' but I agree with RD, the overall trend is a good one - albeit gentle and slow - but the direction of travel is positive. And as you say, a massive difference from even just a few months ago.

Who knows what that may ultimately mean for your sitch, but in coparenting terms it's positive for sure. Good that you were able to have a chat with PF too. That will all get fed back to your W of course. I trickle things to people who are in contact with H, and I imagine he gets to know about them and sees me as coping and maybe thriving.

Why do you question some of the choices you are making at the moment? It sounds to me like you are making good choices. You're doing well at GAL, and I think that benefits us so much in the longer term. I realise I had become quite insular and family focused - to the detriment of maintaining and building friendships. I don't want to let that happen again and I think that's a positive no matter what.

Glad you are on the mend - yoga and ceroc again soon maybe. Take care Jim. You are a great guy and I so often appreciate your insight on these boards. I think you have come a long way. Take care (((Jim)))