Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[Defacto]

So, just got a text from W inviting me to dinner tonight with the kids. Her treat. Even though I had plans, I think it is important to respond affirmatively if W reaches out, especially now.

I need to reply pretty soon. What do you guys think?

[Defacto]

I accepted my W's invitation for dinner. I plan to be upbeat, confident, and friendly.

However, I do have a question. Do you think W is using this as a way to serve me D papers or something? It is suspiciously close to her meeting with L yesterday.

[Tulo]

Can I just ask when it's time to start a new tread? How do I know?

[Tulo]

I think you should try to stick to the plan of being upbeat and friendly. As far as I know from others DB much more experienced than me, just validate her feelings and don't talk of yours..

But I could be wrong.. Sure you'll get more advice before long!

If she hands you D papers, I think you should take them without much fuss but maybe just say that you understand how hard for her to do this, and not much else.. I've gotten the advice to to think things through before I meet my STBX and that is what I'll do. I'm going to write down some things I think he's going to say, and how I'll reply if he does.
Maybe that could be something for you to try too..

Sorry if I'm harping on with stuff you already know, haven't read much of your stitch yet..

All my best, and good luck!

[Defacto]

I think you should try to stick to the plan of being upbeat and friendly. As far as I know from others DB much more experienced than me, just validate her feelings and don't talk of yours..

But I could be wrong.. Sure you'll get more advice before long!

If she hands you D papers, I think you should take them without much fuss but maybe just say that you understand how hard for her to do this, and not much else.. I've gotten the advice to to think things through before I meet my STBX and that is what I'll do. I'm going to write down some things I think he's going to say, and how I'll reply if he does.
Maybe that could be something for you to try too..

Sorry if I'm harping on with stuff you already know, haven't read much of your stitch yet..

All my best, and good luck!

Thanks for the advice! I will definitely sit down and try to work through some scenarios. With the kids going to be there, I will definitely encourage W to keep D talk limited. I will stay calm, confident, and cordial.

[Tulo]

Sounds like a brilliant plan!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Go there and try to be the man she fell in love with, even if it's hard. If you need to, give a performance worthy of an Oscar.

I'm gonna try that on Saturday when we are going to have "the talk"..

All my best!

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I accepted my W's invitation for dinner. I plan to be upbeat, confident, and friendly.

However, I do have a question. Do you think W is using this as a way to serve me D papers or something? It is suspiciously close to her meeting with L yesterday.

I doubt she's "serve" you over dinner with the kids. You never know. It really wouldn't be a "service" type situation where she touches you with the paperwork and says "ha, gotcha, consider yourself served" since she doesn't have the legal authority to actually serve you (she's not a court officer and she's a party to the action and unreliable witness to such service). Instead, she COULD ask you to accept the paperwork and sign off that you received them and waive a more formal service of process. You don't have to sign and then she'd have to go the service of process route (which is what I'd suggest you do with the statement that you want nothing to do with a divorce and won't simply roll over and acquiesce to one but you've been going a much more conciliatory route yourself telling her you WILL be cooperative so it's really your call whether you accept the papers or make her pay for and have you served formally by a process server).

I like how you say you plan "to be" upbeat and confident versus just planing "to act" upbeat and confident and really why shouldn't you be? You've already proven to yourself that you can handle this one way or another. Sure you'd LIKE to reconcile but you aren't going to accept a crap sandwich either. Your wife doesn't get to total your car, bump it out, through some bondo on it with an Earl Schibe paint job and call it even.... you want a BETTER marriage out of this and she is either going to loving and respectful towards you or you'll just be moving on yourself. YOU are the catch here...the faithful, upstanding, great father who could have and will do better in the husband department with her (or with someone else eventually). Also...she will NEVER have another man in her life that would love her enough to be willing to reconcile with her after she cheated....NEVER.

Word of caution though...she could just be getting her needs met and her guilt relieved by rebuilding this "friendship" and partnership with you....for the kids and still have no true feelings yet of recovering with you. I've seen these situations go either way where couples like this dive into reconciliation or you get served the next day. Doesn't mean you can't still work for the goal and that that goal isn't achievable...but she IS still in contact with OM and you don't know the extent of that contact. They could be ending it peacefully and just checking in with each other mistakenly thinking they can remain friends. OM's are usually told stories about how awful the husband is so he's concerned she is safe and well. OR....they are arranging secret rendezvous and plotting their moves carefully as OM positions himself financially to divorce his wife to be with yours and your wife keeps working the quick friendly divorce angle. Point is...no expectations. Even if she throws herself at you and SAYS all the right things....until there is "NO CONTACT" you haven't achieved anything.

Any talk of reconciliation you do have with her needs to begin and end with:

"The first step and move in on you because until you get out of that hospital we really can't 'try' to recover"

"I'm perfectly wiling to try once I know you aren't seeing him at work anymore"

"I'm fine with delaying the divorce while we figure out our feelings and you try to find a new job but I'm not really willing to put my heart on the chopping block again as long as you are still working with and talking to OM"

"Imagine {x) years ago back when you still loved me and I was working at xyz company...If I had told you I had an affair with [insert name of employee you worked with] do you think you'd have been comfortable with me continuing to work with and see her everyday at work? Though I wish you'd just quit the job and come home now I understand this is a process and I'm willing to table the divorce AND seriously trying to reconcile until you get out of that hospital."

*this is crafty...you are telling her that YOU are willing to wait on the divorce...plus your indicating you want to delay the divorce AND serious reconciliation efforts but that doesn't preclude hanging out together and just having fun while your confident and fun to be around (which IS reconciliation without her even knowing it's happen because when you hang out with someone and spend a lot of time with them you can't help feeling connected to them and "in love".

*Still think the scary divorce attorney you interviewed that wants to depose OM is a good tactical story to tell. If she goes the divorce route she and OM are certainly going to have to tell the entire story of the affair under oath in a deposition at some point. You are entitled to the truth about your life.

*If things get ugly and she wants to lie that she hasn't spoken to OM at all you could say that OM's wife called you and told you that OM was calling her last week from that work number you discovered. They will crap their pants that you know this, that OM's wife is communicating with you supposedly (and snooping thoroughly on her husband which they won't speak of) and you MAY get a good indication of what's going on by her reaction. If she's REALLY ugly and defensive the affair continues on the worse side of the spectrum...if she's not that mad and comes clean about the conversation after getting caught lying maybe (MAYBE...can't believe what you hear) it's the truth that it's ending.

I hope it's over. OM's usually dump their paramours once exposed because they have too much to answer for at home with their wife and family to bother carrying on a dangerous workplace affair that was never intended to be more than that..

[Georgia Bulldogs]

In front of the kids:

"Hey kids, should mom quit her job and move home?? What do ya think?""

I know, too much but don't you just want to slap some sense into these way ward's heads? Your kids would go NUTS for that proposal with a resounding "YES".

If only it were that easy.

[Defacto]

I accepted my W's invitation for dinner. I plan to be upbeat, confident, and friendly.

However, I do have a question. Do you think W is using this as a way to serve me D papers or something? It is suspiciously close to her meeting with L yesterday.

Word of caution though...she could just be getting her needs met and her guilt relieved by rebuilding this "friendship" and partnership with you....for the kids and still have no true feelings yet of recovering with you. I've seen these situations go either way where couples like this dive into reconciliation or you get served the next day. Doesn't mean you can't still work for the goal and that that goal isn't achievable...but she IS still in contact with OM and you don't know the extent of that contact. They could be ending it peacefully and just checking in with each other mistakenly thinking they can remain friends. OM's are usually told stories about how awful the husband is so he's concerned she is safe and well. OR....they are arranging secret rendezvous and plotting their moves carefully as OM positions himself financially to divorce his wife to be with yours and your wife keeps working the quick friendly divorce angle. Point is...no expectations. Even if she throws herself at you and SAYS all the right things....until there is "NO CONTACT" you haven't achieved anything.

Any talk of reconciliation you do have with her needs to begin and end with:

"The first step and move in on you because until you get out of that hospital we really can't 'try' to recover"

"I'm perfectly wiling to try once I know you aren't seeing him at work anymore"

"I'm fine with delaying the divorce while we figure out our feelings and you try to find a new job but I'm not really willing to put my heart on the chopping block again as long as you are still working with and talking to OM"

"Imagine {x) years ago back when you still loved me and I was working at xyz company...If I had told you I had an affair with [insert name of employee you worked with] do you think you'd have been comfortable with me continuing to work with and see her everyday at work? Though I wish you'd just quit the job and come home now I understand this is a process and I'm willing to table the divorce AND seriously trying to reconcile until you get out of that hospital."

*this is crafty...you are telling her that YOU are willing to wait on the divorce...plus your indicating you want to delay the divorce AND serious reconciliation efforts but that doesn't preclude hanging out together and just having fun while your confident and fun to be around (which IS reconciliation without her even knowing it's happen because when you hang out with someone and spend a lot of time with them you can't help feeling connected to them and "in love".

*Still think the scary divorce attorney you interviewed that wants to depose OM is a good tactical story to tell. If she goes the divorce route she and OM are certainly going to have to tell the entire story of the affair under oath in a deposition at some point. You are entitled to the truth about your life.

*If things get ugly and she wants to lie that she hasn't spoken to OM at all you could say that OM's wife called you and told you that OM was calling her last week from that work number you discovered. They will crap their pants that you know this, that OM's wife is communicating with you supposedly (and snooping thoroughly on her husband which they won't speak of) and you MAY get a good indication of what's going on by her reaction. If she's REALLY ugly and defensive the affair continues on the worse side of the spectrum...if she's not that mad and comes clean about the conversation after getting caught lying maybe (MAYBE...can't believe what you hear) it's the truth that it's ending.

I hope it's over. OM's usually dump their paramours once exposed because they have too much to answer for at home with their wife and family to bother carrying on a dangerous workplace affair that was never intended to be more than that..

GB, well written, sir! Thanks so much. I can always count on you for a timely response.

Not that I could pretend to know or understand W's thoughts right now, but I think this is an act of guilt relief on her part. Especially when combined with her tearful conversation yesterday. Either way, I will hold steady.

In regards to "being" upbeat instead of "acting" upbeat around W, it is fairly easy because I do enjoy her company and I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Here are a couple of responses I've put together so far...
-W wants to talk about D.
"I think it's best for the kids to not do that here. Let's just have some fun tonight."
-W wants to talk about bills/finances/etc
"Thanks so much for all your hard work on splitting up the bills. Let me know what you need from me."
-W serves me D papers
"I know this was really difficult for you. I will look this over later."
-W wants to talk about MR, say "it happened so fast," or apologize
"I agree it all happened so fast. It seemed just like yesterday we were talking about our future together."
And, if appropriate,"maybe we can take a break from D stuff for now and just spend one last summer together for the kids."

I really want this to be a friendly and fun encounter, free from confrontation, if possible. All of our recent exchanges have been going well, so we'll see.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

-W serves me D papers
"I know this was really difficult for you. I will look this over later."

A real man and father would cry in this situation. You don't have to be stoic here or brave for her. Her handing you divorce papers and asking to you accept them and waive process at a dinner date she invited you to with the kids (saying "my treat") is an incredibly hurtful thing to throw on someone. They can be mailed to you or emailed with a note telling you what it is but doing that face to face is over the top and designed to SEE if you react. I actually think your proposed action above would be what she expects. She doesn't see you as caring at all and saying that only confirm it.

Instead...I think you should let your emotions show a little more honestly. Don't break down but being overcome a moment with emotion and obviously fighting back a tear would be how an emotionally invested healthy man/father/husband would react. You MAY excuse yourself to the bathroom so as to communicate clearly that you are devastated to her but leaving the kids to enjoy their evening out with their parents.

Don't cry, beg or plead for her to change her mind or anything like that. You aren't TRYING to make her feel guilty but getting handed divorce papers is a monumental moment in one's life and she doesn't control your emotions anymore. You don't have to hold it in for her. If she feels bad...that's on her.

I THINK you'd have to sign so even if you take the papers...refuse to sign the waiver saying "I refuse to be a complicit participant in the destruction of our family". If you want my cooperation, give the kids and I 6 months to see if we feel any differently. I see no reason to rush this. I can't imagine a world where there is no {your first name and her first name].


Remember - NO EXPECTATIONS

*you probably won't talk about any of this stuff and just have a nice evening with the kids. It doesn't have to be heavy but getting her to delay the divorce and save that retainer money sooner than later is something you can't conflict avoid yourself out of discussing...however briefly.