Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[Zues126]

For the WAS to return a few things have to happen. They have to feel that it would be different than before. And usually they have to suffer from the consequences of their choices.

At this point I don't think he feels it would be different. And I don't think he's realized the consequences of his choices.

All you can do is address the first half. Really focusing in on the areas you can grow and change. I understand it's hard to show him changes with limited contact, no kids. But it would be IMPOSSIBLE to show him changes if you don't change. And besides, those changes have to be for you anyway. You will benefit either way. So keep talking about what you're working on, your progress, your thoughts on what you would do differently.

As for him feeling the consequences...you can't control that. Yes, it's scary that you can't control the outcome. One of my worst fears was that my STBX would hit rock bottom, make some life changes, and become a great W- 3 years from now after she was remarried. That stinks. But there is nothing we can do about it. It's no different than being with an alcoholic, or a gambling addict. We can't rescue them. They are on their own journey. All we can do is not enable them. We enable by being their 'plan B' as that only SHIELDS them from the consequences of their choices.

So GAL, 180s, detachment...truly are the answer.

[Bob723]

Hello NoelGrl,

I am in the same sitch as you with my WAW. We don't have any children together, she moved 3 1/2 hrs away to live with her Mom and we have very limited contact. My biggest concern has been, even if I do change, how will she know?

Well, Zues, in the last post put it so perfectly: "But it would be IMPOSSIBLE to show him changes if you don't change."

So true, isn't it?

Take care....you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Bob

[NoleGrl]

Weekend GAL was good. Went to a baseball game with some friends on Friday and went out with a girlfriend on Saturday, got out of my own head for a little bit.

Hadn't heard from H since Wednesday. On Sunday he sent me a text that just said Hey. Strange since all of his texts recently are usually to the point, "when can we meet to talk finances", "where do you buy your sheets", "have you found someone to mow the grass yet"...I responded after I got out of my yoga class and just said Hey. He asked when I wanted to meet to talk about money (we are going to meet Wednesday), but then asked about my weekend, what did I do, was I having good "girl time", telling me about his weekend visiting family.

Then this morning he asked if I wanted to meet for lunch....I am preparing myself for the worst. I think he is either going to admit to dating OW or tell me he is moving to the city 4 hours away. I'm pretty sure that it is not just a friendly catch up lunch and he doesn't want to wait until we meet on Wed., so something he wants to tell me in person. I will keep my emotions in check, validate if needed, and STFU. Wish me luck!

[skhdive]

Good lord that thread has everything my H has said and done to me. It is almost word for word everything he has said and thought to me.

What the heck this MLC is really real and seems to be the same script for all of them.

[NoleGrl]

So lunch was fairly uneventful. Not even sure why he even asked me. It was mostly small talk. Towards the end, he brought up splitting the assets again (even though we had already agreed to meet Wednesday night to discuss it). Asked if I had an idea of what I wanted for when we talked on Wednesday and talked about getting an appraisal. All things that we have talked about 100 times.

Very confusing. I let myself dwell on it for a little while, but then I decided that it's not the first time I've been confused by his behavior and it's probably not going to be the last.

[NoleGrl]

Zues, Bob, RealMe, Jelly, Tulo and Smothy-just wanted to say thanks for the support.

[Zues126]

So lunch was fairly uneventful. Not even sure why he even asked me. It was mostly small talk. Towards the end, he brought up splitting the assets again (even though we had already agreed to meet Wednesday night to discuss it). Asked if I had an idea of what I wanted for when we talked on Wednesday and talked about getting an appraisal. All things that we have talked about 100 times.

Very confusing. I let myself dwell on it for a little while, but then I decided that it's not the first time I've been confused by his behavior and it's probably not going to be the last.

Hahaha. Stupid WAS's (not really, but you know). As the vets say, you're confused because he's confused.

Let's not get in the habit of mindreading. I could speculate what dynamics are pushing and pulling him, what needs he may be meeting by seeing you, or anticipating you begging/pleading, etc, etc. Could be temperature checking, could be trying to gather evidence to further vilify you...I just DON'T KNOW.

I know it's hard on you, but I'm so proud you kept it casual and followed his lead. You can't win points in this game, but you can sure lose them, and you did nothing wrong based on what you described.

I wish I could take some of your burden Nole. I'm so sorry you are feeling it so deeply.

But then again, it is a reflection of how much love you have for your H, and who you are as a person. Be proud of your pain, it says noble things about you. Just don't let that become your identity, you're a winner and will allow this to define you in positive ways, not negative ones.

[NoleGrl]

So our meeting about dividing the assets has been moved to tonight. I'm feeling anxious because it usually turns into an argument, but I am going to try my hardest not to let that happen tonight.

I need some advice. Anytime I don't agree with what he thinks is fair, he will say he knew I was going to "leave him high and dry" or "leave him on the street with nothing". That is not true, but I am not going to just roll over and let him have everything and force me out of my house either.

In his eyes I am controlling and manipulative and sticking up for myself in the settlement without reinforcing these beliefs is going to be hard. So I'm not quite sure how to approach that. We both would like to work this out amongst ourselves and not have to pay lawyers, but I have told him that we may need to look into a mediator or getting lawyers if we can't come to an agreement.

[Bob723]

Zues, Bob, RealMe, Jelly, Tulo and Smothy-just wanted to say thanks for the support.

NoleGrl,

You're welcome! Wow, I saw your last post today and understand your anxiety.

I'm not sure what to advise at the moment.

Thoughts anyone? NoleGrl really needs our help.

[[[NoleGrl}}}

[Vanilla]

So our meeting about dividing the assets has been moved to tonight. I'm feeling anxious because it usually turns into an argument, but I am going to try my hardest not to let that happen tonight.

If this is the case then please use a mediator. Put your proposals in writing too, key notes with lots of space on the page so you can add details. Stick to facts not emotions.

I need some advice. Anytime I don't agree with what he thinks is fair, he will say he knew I was going to "leave him high and dry" or "leave him on the street with nothing".

Start with a schedule to demonstrate this.

That is not true, but I am not going to just roll over and let him have everything and force me out of my house either.

Good

In his eyes I am controlling and manipulative and sticking up for myself in the settlement without reinforcing these beliefs is going to be hard. So I'm not quite sure how to approach that.

Stick to listing assets and liabilities. Ignore emotions.


We both would like to work this out amongst ourselves and not have to pay lawyers, but I have told him that we may need to look into a mediator or getting lawyers if we can't come to an agreement.

You will need a list of assets and liabilities. There are many schedules on the iInternet to use as templates. Frankly I would not chose to do this in a meeting, you may end up with more heat than light. Get the basics done and listed then email and mediate.

In reality this ideally should be left to the professionals.

V