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[Maybell]

I'm sorry I missed seeing last night's update till just now.

LET GO. He is so playing you it makes me mad to see how he's abusing you.

You will not believe how light your life can feel without him BLATANTLY ABUSING YOU. Do it so your kids -- especially your daughter -- can see how strong you are. Do it for them, so they don't think this is normal and OK. I can't believe he's seriously asking you all these things as though this is normal.

For what it's worth, we all go through this. But there has to be an end to it. How would you feel if you got to be 85 and you looked back on your life and this is what your life had been like... and STAYED like? Because you know he's not going to change. Why would you want this to be your one and only experience of life? Of marriage?

I KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER.

I don't want to be too harsh but I DO want you to believe in your own power.

*Don't have sex with him again.
*Get STD tested.
*Don't worry about him having another baby, seeing her through cancer, whatever. Not your monkey, not your circus.
*Get a lawyer and put that person TO WORK. Protect yourself and your kids. If he does have another kid you want to make sure you've protected everything that needs protecting from him.

DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS ANOTHER MINUTE. There is nothing to work with here. You can do better. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

(((((((AHW)))))))

[Maybell]

This is for you:

Fear does not stop death [my addition: or divorce]. It stops life.

Don't you feel like your life has been consumed by the crazy? Isn't it worth more than that?

MORE HUGS FOR YOU.

[Bob723]

Why can't I just let go?

Hello AHW,

I just caught up with your entire sitiuation. I'm sorry you are here but hope you have discovered that this is the best place for you to be now. I joined Christmas Day and have found this site to like one huge, loving family.

Tha answer to your question is easy. You've been married 22 years. It is very normal, even though your H is in an A. My situation is different. My W walked out on me and filed for D 6 months ago, yet I still love her. She has MS and felt I was smothering her (being over-protective) which I was but didn't realize it. The only reason I bring up my sitch is because no matter how badly or immature our spouse is acting, the one who wants to save the M usually has a very hard time letting go. I sure do.

Wonka, always gives great advice and though-provoking qestions, and has helped me so much.

Wonka posted this a while ago in your thread and I think it's important to keep this is mind:
"People who are in the beginning stages of an A are not right up in their heads. Totally messed up and they block out everything in their minds except the OW/OM. It is all about getting their "fix" from the dopamine....OW/OM. They behave like a drug addict."

I will dedicate a prayer to you tonight, AHW.

Your new friend - Bob

{{{AHW}}}

[Bob723]

Hello again AHW,

I;m not a super-religious guy but have always found this bible verse comforting. I have posted it in other's threads and most people have replied that it really helped them -- at least for a little while.

Here it is:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Bob

[Vanilla]

AHW

Addicts behave like addicts.

You are dealing with an addiction not a person. This is more than just infidelity and as Maybell says it is major abuse. You may never know about the drama going on. All sounds like hokum to me. lumps can also be cysts too, all sorts of things. I would not wish cancer on anyone not even an OW, but running this with babies is deeply deeply worrying.

I second Maybell, this is abusive by AH (addicted H).

AHW I too deal with an addicted STBXH and it is very difficult to know truth from lies. They may also do anything to stay in addiction. When H is stressed he will relieve that stress by returning to pattern and his addiction. This is the reality he can not but cheat on OW with OW2 etc. there will always be POWs.

You and the twins deserve better.

I just wished I could reach out a give you a really big hug.

V

[raliced]

AHW- I'm glad Maybell, Vanilla and Bob have reached out to you.

I read your most recent posting last night and really had to stop and think about how to respond in an effective way.

AHW- Many marriages in various states of failure are described on these boards. There are a multitude of reasons they are troubled - but for the most part, while I am sympathetic, I am able to read them fairly dispassionately. Not so with yours. I get agitated every time I read an update.

Your husband's behavior is outrageous and abusive. I do not use either of those terms commonly and I do not say them lightly.

Please stop living this way.

He is not to be trusted in any way - not financially, not sexually and not as a father.

I can't say it any better than Maybell except to say X1000

*Don't have sex with him again.
*Get STD tested.
*Don't worry about him having another baby, seeing her through cancer, whatever. Not your monkey, not your circus.
*Get a lawyer and put that person TO WORK. Protect yourself and your kids. If he does have another kid you want to make sure you've protected everything that needs protecting from him.

DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS ANOTHER MINUTE. There is nothing to work with here. You can do better. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

(((((((AHW)))))))

[Elly4]

AHW, the only thing I have to add is maybe find out if you can see your IC more than once a week right now as this seems like a crisis period.

You do not deserve this!!!!

[Sherman333]

Wow AHW99... I've only read a little bit of your situation. I'm sorry you're here.

I have a narcissistic STBXW who's be very abusive to me, our S7, etc.

It's hard to let go and that's ok. Key thing is to recognize that you still need to protect yourself and your kids as much as you can.

Just as an FYI... I have some things on my thread that I did in preparation for filing against my wife that might be thought starters from a preparation perspective.

[Bob723]

Why can't I just let go?

Hello AHW,

I will dedicate a prayer to you tonight, AHW.

Your new friend - Bob

{{{AHW}}}

Hello AHW,

I wanted to inform you that I remembered to dedicate a prayer just to you and your sitch last night.

One can never have too many prayers said on their behalf.

I wish you well. Hang tough!

Bob

[AHW99]

Thanks for the prayers Bob and the verse. I agree you can never have too many prayers. All of the support here has been great. Some days I feel a little panicky but keeping busy helps. I will say a prayer for you too!