Focusing on what works

[TenBook]

Closer. Be gentle with yourself. My God you are hard on yourself and that translates into being hard on her too. Right?

So. You tired of being a NG? Start the recovery. I'm 40. It's never too late.

Look into the NMMNG forum.

[Closer2]

I've been rereading NNMNG and lurking on the forums.

I'm hard on myself because I've been too easy on myself in the past. I believed the lies she was telling me. On D-day, she told me she was not seeing anyone. New Years Eve, I discovered she was. She told me it was only and EA. A couple of weeks ago I found out it was a PA. I saw conversations about marriage, OM being a step dad to my kids, and detailed sex talk. I quit reading what I found and haven't looked at it since. She told me it was just talk and he was much more serious about their R.

My DB coach said she lies because she's afraid. She's afraid of my reactions to the truth. She wanted me to go away without a fight. She even admitted that she wants me to just go away. I'll admit there was a point last year that I was strongly considering divorcing her. Like many on this forum, I didn't realize I didn't want a D until it was too late and she filed. When I discovered her affair, it was a surreal experience. Really strange, almost like I was looking down from above at myself. It was a wake call.

I have to focus on what works. My DB coach has been suggesting trying to be more open to her and to spend time talking to her. I feel like I need to distance myself and detach. I need to get out of this house and put some space between us. It's difficult for me to let go without space.

I appreciate any 2x4s, suggestions, or advice.

[Bob723]

Hello Closer,

I think all of us on this forum have fallen victim to lies that our spouse have told us and we believed. I have to agree with TenBook that you are being too hard on yourself.

I would follow your DB Coach's advice. You may have already read or heard this, but just in case you haven't, DB'ing is counter-intuitive.

Best of luck to you -- I wish you well.

Bob

[TenBook]

Hi Closer,

Your coach is giving you advice contrary to going dark. I went that route and I could have ultimately sabotaged my own DB efforts.

[MrBond]

Follow what your coach says.

[Closer2]

Following my coach's advice. Things haven't really changed much. We're getting along well and she acts like she isn't having an affair. She is working on the house a few hours a day. It still bugs me that she spends most of the day working out and having lunch with her divorced pals. It does bug me less this week than it did last week. Progress.

I need to be better about not contacting her. I find it harder to not respond to texts when we're good. It's easier to ignore them when I'm pissed.

10 year anv today. lol

[Bob723]

Closer,

This is going to take longer than you would like. Stick with the plan for now.

It has to be a hard day for you. 10 yr anniversary, huh? My 14th anniversary is coming up in June.

Hang in there. We're rooting for you!

Bob

[Closer2]

What's the proper way to respond to a text notifying me that we'll make a decent amount of money on the sell of our house?

I don't feel that a few thousand dollars makes up for not seeing my kids every day, her betrayal, cheating, and lying.

Trying hard to have a PMA, but her excitement and happiness from all of this [censored].

[Closer2]

Just signed the final decree. W had already signed it.

I'm not living in the house. Detaching is still hard.

I've been reading recent posts 25 and Zeus about forgiving. I've been really angry lately. That's the reason I felt that I needed to leave the house. I felt very agitated and stressed. I found myself hyper focused on everything she would do. It was driving me nuts because I didn't feel like I was detaching at all, I felt like I was trying to be more controlling, even obsessing.

There has been no contact from her. A few angry texts. I did call to check on the kids and she was as cold as ice. She did ask me when I was coming home because she needed someone to watch the kids. I want to see the kids, but I'm afraid she's going to turn me to an on-call babysitter.

[Closer2]

I need to read more post divorce success stories. If anyone has any to share, I would love to see them.

L emailed me yesterday that the D was final. Exchanged a few texts and a short call with W. She keeps telling me she is sorry. That makes me angry. I don't know what to say to her. I just said "Thank you for being sorry. I'm sorry I didn't do anything when we started drifting apart last year. I hate how this went down, but what's done is done."

I'm still angry at her. I'm angry because I haven't spent anytime with my kids since Sunday and that stinks. I'm angry because the last time I saw them she ran out of the house and made a scene. I'm angry because I didn't want this. I'm angry because I waited too long to stop this.

I realized Sunday night that I have been in a major backslide for a few weeks. The backslide was so bad I almost completely stopped reading the boards. The backslide started when she came back home from staying with the OM. She had a "breakdown" and said she was putting things on hold with OM and focusing on her family. My DB coach told me to continue with the 180s. My 180 was to listen to her, validate, and share. However, I slowly starting trying to control her, to win her back, to see the mistake she was making. I didn't realize the pressure I was putting on her until I removed myself from the house. It's amazing how removing yourself from a situation can make you see it so much clearer. I should have left a long time ago but was afraid. During this time, OM was giving her space and that drew her towards him. The fog of the A was still there and the time required to rebuild was just too much. I know my recent backslide didn't help. Due to his giving her space, she became more drawn to him. Last weekend she told me that she doesn't want to spend anytime with me at all. So I left the house.

We only talk about bills and the kids. She made it clear that I must pick them up Friday after work because she is going to see OM.. I guess it's BF now. For some reason that didn't set me off like I thought it would. It still hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would. I actually appreciated her telling me the truth rather than making up a lie.

I want to see my kids. I miss them. I miss playing with them when I get home, getting them to bed.. everything we used to do. To hear my D5 ask me why I haven't been home "for so long" hurts. Then to hear W say "I'm sorry" after D5 gives her the phone back...geez.

Success stories are needed! I hate to sound so down, but I can't fake a PMA on right now. I'm reeling from this all being official for some reason. Getting this off my chest will help. Right?