Hi Sandi2-doing a lot of soul searching and self-assessments. No, OM would not be a deal breaker me. Probably very sad....but I know that i played a part in why my W would seek other support.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Yes, W did use my anger against me, especially after i started going to therapy and anger management classes. When we would argue we both said nasty things to each other and we both pushed each others' buttons. If anything, it seems as though she has the anger problems now, which she might blame on me.
I don't ever remembering W asking me to be there for her more. Her main complaint throughout our marriage was how i handled my anger. She wanted me to control myself more, which i have learned through going to therapy. She never mentioned to the therapist about me not being there for her. As for me appreciating her and treating her like she is a great wife, i had told her that i have written several little love notes and get little gifts for her once a month, but i admit we haven't gone out on a date since S2 was born. W mentioned last night that she wants me to make her feel as though she is great, and i told her i do think great. She stated that she doesn't care for those things, she wants me to make her feel better when she does something wrong instead of me getting frustrated. I think we both do the same, but i know what she means.
In regards to the part about not wanting to worry about what kind of mood im going to be in everyday, i had told her that she needs to give me a chance to improve, which i have. She says that she worries, but i haven't had those moods in over a year. Things have improved with more time that has passed since my Mom passed away, and therapy, which i have started back since March. In regards to the communication part, i do have a problem communicating my thoughts and feelings. I have and continue to work on this in therapy and W knows my issues and that i have been working with my therapist. Yes, my therapist has said that my anger issues and communication problems are due to my childhood and how i was raised. I was physically and mentally abused a lot by my father. W knows about it. I stopped going to therapy in part because things had improved and I also got really busy with work. We weren't arguing, we were laughing and having fun together, and it felt like we were closer. I never shouldv'e stopped going to therapy and i know now, that even if i feel good about things and im communicating better, i should still go.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Wow! Woke up this morning to throw the trash out and I find our wedding pictures in the trash. I ask W why she did that and she said what are you going to do with them. We don't need them. I told W that it wasn't nice of her to throw the pictures away and it's my pictures too as that she should've asked me before she threw them out. What does everyone think?
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Well, I guess it says something about how she is feeling right now - ugh - that must have been hard. When I went to our marital home a couple of months ago, I had been completely erased from the house. H had taken down any wedding pictures and replaced them with pics of him and SS. Ouch!
IMHO, I would make a simple statement like - W, if you want to throw out things that are 'ours' please ask me if I want them first. I don't want to find our posessions in the trash can without having first been consulted.
Maybe others will have some better wording, but JMHO...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes, Toots it was hard seeing our wedding pictures in the trash. I did ask her to ask me first before throwing out any of our things. She stated she didn't see a reason to keep them and I responded by telling her that it would be nice to have and maybe S2 might want to see them when he's older. I can't believe she threw our wedding pictures in the trash
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
W can be so mean and cold. One minute she will be pleasant and then the next minute she'll throw our pictures in the trash can. I still cant get over her throwing our wedding pictures away. it at the point where i almost just want this to all end.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
I dont know what to do. I know about detachment, but it seems like its pushing W farther away. she does try to initiate conversation but its about S2. W did ask me to go to MOther's day brunch with her and her Mom, but this was a few weeks ago. Should i still go?
Yesterday i saw on our calendar that she will be having a "Mommy and Son" day for the next 4 Saturdays. I haven't said anything to her yet, but i dont know how to approach her.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Very true, and that pretty much sums it up in a few words. You can't deal with her as though she is still the same person you M, b/c she's changed. The times she acts somewhat nice, be careful b/c usually it means she's buttering you up for something she wants.
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I know about detachment, but it seems like its pushing W farther away.
Actually, you have said what I call LBH script. That is what many H's say, but it only appears that she's getting farther away due to your detachment.....or else you aren't detaching the correct way.
If she's not able to manipulate you, she's not going to like it. If she's not able to cake eat, she's not going to like it. If she can't disrespect you, or anything else that doesn't suit her.....she's not going to like it. These are the days and time of the stitch that are so painful for the LBH b/c he wants to see immediate results to his actions (detachment) and when he doesn't, it scares him into thinking it's not working.
I think in most cases the WAW will get farther away before coming back. Let it happen, and don't fear it. She has to experience life without you. It will get worse, but that doesn't mean the end result will not be good.
Did you tell her you would go with her to the Mother's Day brunch? If you have a good relationship with your MIL, then go for her sake. After this, stop serving WAW cake and playing like you're still a happy couple (which is probably why she wants you to make an appearance, to keep mom from asking questions).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
