You should check out my thread. I have compiled a list of songs that I have dubbed "the DBers songbook". Not surprisingly, this song (Just Give me a Reason) is in it. I never heard of the song until Lost18 suggested its inclusion in the list. Now I have listened to it dozens of times and it totally resonates with me.
There are other songs in the list that you may enjoy or may give you strength in your sitch.
If you stop by, drop me a quick note. also, feel free to add other suggestions.
I joined a couple dating websites- looking for friends, it was actually in my title that I am married and am just looking for someone to hang out with. Somehow while she's here, WAW found out, even though I deleted everything. She was pissed- even though I literally sent no one a message, didnt even have a profile picture, and met no one at all. Makes no sense to me since she's living with OM.
TLEE,
Good for you to be back. I'm sorry that the last couple days have been trying for you. Hopefully they are settling down a little bit. As far as this portion of your post.....it's WW script. Did she believe you when you told her the truth about it? Probably not....its not the dating site that got her upset; its the uncertainty of the whole sitch. If you're comfortable with the intentions of your postings, that's all that matters.
This is where I stand. If my M is R or D based on my current actions on these sites; it probably didn't have much of a chance anyway. Everything I'm doing is stuff I would be willing to share with anyone at all. The caution that I'm making sure I'm okay is what could this 'lead' to. That's where I need to continually evaluate with myself. I've always said that one of my values is to always take whatever consequences your actions have; so I know I'm going into this carefully.
Originally Posted By: TLEE86
I agree that WW seems still confused and lost...but have you, MCS actually really changed?
So, this is an interesting one. I've looked and looked to see what my true role in the sitch was and I see that 'my' changes are fairly simple to make, but not uncovered for a long time. I've been comfortable with the core of MCS, himself throughout all of this. My issues? Apathy, complacency some criticism based on the two . I can see this much clearer now, but I also see that none of these traits were even close to being unhealthy in any relationship (especially once kids are born)
In saying that I'm all about claiming responsibility, but I see that there are really, really deep seated issues that WW has been struggling with for a long time. Over the years, she based her self-esteem on others (including me) and I was just one of many people 'life' caught up became apathetic of this need of hers (no one really saw it.) She's shut out everyone else to because of these same issues. I can't fix that.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I should state that unhealthy was not the right word above, I should have used the term abnormal. Basically, we got to a phase of marriage that was ho-hum. I was okay with this as it seemed we had refocused our life on the kids. WW seems to have struggled during this time, PPD, depression, boredom, no 5LL, I don't know; but she never expressed any one of these things to me nor did I see it.
EA was her solution PA was her solution Trying to convince him to leave his GF was her solution Leaving me as a final stand was her solution Deciding not to work on M, holding out hope for OM, her solution Still holding onto this fantasy even though everything around her is crumbling, her solution
This may sound like I'm mad, but I'm not. I'm not bitter, I'm not resentful. WW decided to lead her life in a lie in order to think she can use others to make herself happy, and it's not working. She's crumbling
I care for her so much, but I can't change her solution to her problems. Only she can change that and I still pray that my patience holds out to intersect with her recovery.....I hope that I'll be there when she needs someone, even though I seem like the last person she would reach out too, but I can't do anything about that. I'll stick with it as long as I can, but I can't stay in limbo forever.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Got an email from WW yesterday. She knew I was going to the L on Friday. She has asked about a Separation Agreement a couple weeks back and when I said I was going to talk to the L about it, that's when she cancelled MC (mediation.)
Couple little things, but she asked how L went and what I thought of OUR plan for the (emphasis mine) Separation Agreement. I just replied back that L and I talked for a while and asked what she had in mind.
Anyway, it didn't stress me too much. I'm not sure of her motives, she can file in just 3 months. We've went 9 months with no agreement, maybe its so she doesn't need to continue to contribute to the house, maybe she wants me to initiate....IDK.
I can tell I'm pretty much fully detached at this point. As I said yesterday, I've let go of control of the sitch....not in my hands. I think I've gotten to acceptance, IDK. Time to still be patient though, hopefully the communication will improve between us about the kids.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Involving lawyers is very worrisome for all parties. The trust is very low between spouses during an S. I would say that your WW is probably just trying to gather information because she's worried. Every single WAS seem to insist that lawyers are not needed - mine did, look at Maybell's manipulative H, etc. I admit that I would also be worried if my WW said she got a lawyer. It's like someone showing up at a negotiation with a knife. You don't expect to need it, but it makes feel very vulnerable.
It's interesting to see how much you detach now. I think your WW needs this space. I don't think you're fully detached now, so I stay tuned to see if your WW will have some kind of change when you entirely drop the rope.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, WW saw a L the first week she left; I believe she was seeking counsel because she was worried about 'abandonment.' I guess other than that, the L's haven't really come up too often.
As far as detachment, it feels like I'm pretty detached. I think I kind of dropped the rope a couple weeks ago when she told me I had spent the last 8 months trying to get her back and I said to her 'I don't want you back if this is who you are'
I agree she needs the space. I'm at the point that I feel the same way for me.
No response back on the Separation Agreement, not surprising. However, I think put the responsibility back on her is a good thing, this was her decision and all.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I agree she needs the space. I'm at the point that I feel the same way for me.
Ok, sometimes it takes a while for what you wrote to digest.
I read this again today and I think it truly is time I need some space from the sitch, its been 9 months constantly on my mind, I need a little bit of a breather. I'm going to go dark from this thread for a couple days. As S6 calls it, I think my clarity of the whole sitch got a 'level-up' over the last couple weeks. This is a good thing, I think. I'll check back in a few days. Thanks everyone on here for all of the help. I'm sure I'll be back on soon.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks for checking in, I've been lurking in the background seeing what's been going on with all you folks, but as I said; not posting.
So, its been going really, really good, from a pure MCS perspective. WW is still a mess, confiding in D4 stuff that gets me angry because she's run out of others to give her sympathy. Then she follows it up asking how soon I can pay her her settlement from the D, even though there is nothing even filed, nor can it be until August. But these things no longer seem to have much affect on me.
Over the last month, I've felt like I'm made some huge growth personally, the funny thing is that its different than the direction that I've been holding onto for the last 9 months. Its a combination of everything I've learned on the board, but also getting me to accept the one that I resisted the most GAL.....I've looked back and saw that my last piece of 'control' of the outcome of the sitch was my own patience in waiting. I had put my life on hold in order to ensure that if she wanted to change her mind, I'd be ready to accommodate it.
So, I've went out and GAL, I've had fun, I've made new connections, etc. and I've seen that the person that's been inside me has started to re-emerge. When I've looked at myself throughout the sitch, I've tried to identify my faults in the R and I've seen them; but they were nothing that justified what WW did. I was complacent in filling LL, I let life overwhelm my connection in the M, but I was also at a point of comfort in my life. And this is where things went wrong....she wasn't. She chose not to share, because she 'knew' I would try to fix it and she didn't want me to. My change.......I can't fix this for her, nor do I want to at this point. I would love to help her through her issues as a mom; but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her with my heart.
I wish this was a black and white decision, but it's been much more of a process. For me, it was finally allowing myself to give up putting my life on hold that opened my eyes that everything is okay in my life.
For me personally, what I've learned is that I need to consciously continue to push myself out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't change anything, but in my life I always was super-conservative, strategic, prepared and whatever other words for someone that over-analyzes everything in order to try and control the outcome. Well given my sitch, I see that while everything needs to be balanced; the sitch has pushed me to not allow myself to fall back in being 'comfortable' about everything, as that's when complacency begins to creep in.
In summary, I believe that I need to move on with my life. WW seems like she's going to put an Agreement in place and then probably right afterwards serve me. That's her decision, she's getting motivated by the money it seems; but its obvious that after almost a year there is no desire to work on the M (actually really 2 years since the A started). The motivations for her leaving, not talking, cheating, avoiding, etc. all don't matter to me because they are her decisions and I will work within what I can to honor her decisions. In saying that, MCS is looking out for MCS and S6/D4. That is my family right now and we are having a splendid time sharing whatever moments we can.
If I had read this post probably two or three months ago, I would have said there's no possible way it would have came from me. I was going to 'wait' it out. But waiting it out was slowly keeping me locked into trying to solve the sitch. I can't do that anymore and I'm at a place that I think I'm okay with that.
Last edited by MCS; 05/16/1503:21 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
also, feel free to add other suggestions.