If you want a divorce then just keep asking and pressuring her. If you don't then STOP and give her the space she is asking for, I am sure by friday night she does not need a pressuring question from YOU. Nor will she be FIXED and whole and healed.
LET GO of this at least for now. Take the focus off of her and put it on yourself.
Cadet, I'm not sure how I was asking and pressuring her? Yes, I did ask for clarification on last week, but I think I deserved that, and I don't regret it. If anything I regret telling her back last week that I loved her.
For now, what's done is done and I can't undue it.
But, I would like some advice on how I approach the conversation that she says she wants to have on Friday night. Once she brings up the conversation, I was thinking of saying something like "so how are you feeling about things?" I'm sure someone can help me with something better to ask than this though.
Obviously I'm going to review validating statements prior to then as well.
Badger, I'm no expert. Unfortunately, my learning comes from my mistakes more often than not.
She said she loved you. Which is awesome. Do you think she thought about it for days after she said it?
Asking her about it days later will seem like pressure to her. Anything you do or say about your M, how good she looks, how much you love her... that feels like pressure to her.
Lay low and be upbeat while you're at home. If you feel yourself wanting to engage her in conversation about the M, leave the house. Go for a walk, clean out the garage, do anything but talk to her about M.
My W will throw the "I love you"s around like crazy. I reply with "I love you" or "I like you a lot" (forrest gump voice) to make her laugh. I used to go temp insane and start talking to her about M, cheating, kids.... arrrgggh, it was bad.
Lay low and chill. Keep calm and if it's hard to keep calm, just go do something. Run, walk, whatever.
Good luck.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Thank you. Assuming she says she wants a divorce, I plan on leaving for the night and staying at a friends, so as to not cause any arguing etc. I would essentially go dark for a day or two and just tell her I was taking some time to think and would be back no later than Sunday night. Is this the right thing?
She is getting more irritable. I have been following the 180's/last resort to a T. I am not bringing anything regarding the M up. Conversations are friendly, but focused on logistics of the kids.
Trying to GAL or at least make it look like I am GAL. Last night after the D's went to bed, I just went to Starbucks to do some work. At least try to be a little mysterious.
The only thing that's come up recently was that a credit card bill came and I didn't recognize a charge so I had to ask her about it. She just said that it was her original consultation with her attorney and I said "oh, okay."
There's little doubt that she'll be telling me tonight (assuming she still wants to talk, I'm not going to push it), that she's ready for a divorce. I'm prepared to mirror and validate. If/when I feel my emotions getting out of check, my exit strategy is to simply tell her that I'm leaving and spending the night at a friends so that I can take some time to process and think about what she's said.
Any support would be helpful from this virtual world. I'll post tonight or tomorrow what happens as I'm sure I'll need some additional advice.
I'm prepared to mirror and validate. If/when I feel my emotions getting out of check, my exit strategy is to simply tell her that I'm leaving and spending the night at a friends so that I can take some time to process and think about what she's said.
Hello Badger,
I'm happy to hear you are taking Cadet's advice to mirror and vaildate.
When you have time, please try to post an update.
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I had a bagged packed and in my car for an exit strategy Friday night (had arranged to stay at a friends if needed).
After the D's went to bed, she said she wanted to talk. I sat and validated my butt off. Good advice to read the validation cheat sheet and remember to believe none of what she said. So, basically the way it ended Friday night was with her admitting she has no idea what she wants to do.
So, I go out with friends on Saturday night. Then she wants to talk again tonight. I commit to listening and validating none-the-less. This time, she starts in with she wants a divorce because ILYBINILWY but she's not ready to divorce because of all the logistic crap (finances, etc.).
This time I validated but countered with some tough love. By now, frankly, I'm worn out. This is the second time in 6 years she's pulled this on me. She told me she didn't think she could ever have sex with me again but that she still loved me. I validated her thought, but then told her I couldn't live with that. That I needed someone that loved me for who I was and was comfortable both physically and emotionally intimate. She countered by saying that she just didn't know if she could do that.
So I guess where it ended is, she still doesn't know what she wants to do. But I did tell her what I needed from a marriage and I told her that if she reached the conclusion that she couldn't or wouldn't be willing to work toward those things, then she should file.
It ended with her asking me why I love her, so I told her. And then she said she would need some time to think. So, I told her, well, when you are ready to talk again let me know.
Thank God my expectations were low on Friday and even lower today. Thanks everyone for keeping up with me and thinking of me.
