WAW Filed for Divorce Next Day Pt. 3 (Bob)

[Bob723]

Back to YOU. I am only reading your thread now, and though this is part three (so you might have done this on I & II) I haven't seen anything about what you are working on, your GAL, your 180s, your goals, your personal growth. It's too easy to get caught up in the soap opera and just report the latest gossip. Turn the soap off and let's hear more about what you're doing for you

Of course I am praying for you, sending you support, and mean those words with nothing but good wishes Bob!

Zues,

On 4/30/15, you posted the above quote. (I took some out.) I finally remembered to post my personal growth as you asked and I said I would.

Here it is:
Smothering: Since my W mentioned this, I have been trying to understand how I came across as somethering to her. Probably the worst thing I did was to expect her to behave in ways I wanted her to behave. For example, since she has MS and was in a terrible car wreck (July 2013), many times, if she wanted to use our car, I would ask her if she was sure she felt up to it. There where times where, quite frankly, she looked like she was going to drop dead. I was hurt when she would say something like, "Of course I'm ok or I wouldn't br thinking of going out." I expected her to say something like this: "That is so sweet that you are concerned about my safety, but I'll be fine." So, I've learned how smothering acting like that can be. If the tables were turned, after time, I would be annoyed, too.

Needy: I'm going to therapy since my W left and have learned that happiness comes from within - I have truly embraced that concept. Obviously, I want our M to work out, but it's because I want my W not need her.

When she tried to share her heart with me, occasionally I would respond defensively, in silence or in anger: I am still working on this with my therapist. If my W and I are in contact and it seems like she's testing me by trying to lure me into an argument, I do my best to not respond defensively or in anger.

I became increasingly critical of her: This one is hard to admit and is complicated. It usually had to do her not following through with something she said she would do that day for sure. Why the criticism? Because, increasingly, it seemed to me she would do whatever she wanted while I was working my tail off for us (50+ hrs/week) and then she would say, "Sorry, I got too tired." With the MS limiting her, I have now learned that it was important that she be able to do things she enjoyed while she felt up to it, because 10 minutes later, she might be exhausted. This I regret the most and now know how destructive it is to any R. Odd, I don't seem to criticize my 3 children or anyone else. I just started getting like that with my W recently.

Due to stress, I became self-absorbed: I felt I was always putting my W's needs and feelings before mine, which made me resentful. Looking back (again) I would give just about anything to care for her again -- as long as I wasn't being "smothering." I know what I did wrong on this one. So, during our separation, I have been trying to show I care for her. As most of you know, that is not easy when you are being rejected.

Made more and more decisions for her (speaks to her point about smothering her): I think I addressed this above when I discussed my smothering tendencies. I'm still working on this one with my therapist.

I broke promises (one in particular - to not bring up an issue from 2009 when she walked out on me/did not file for D that time): I took pride in keeping my word to others. But as we seemed to drift apart in mid-2014, I brought up the past, which I promised my wife I would not do. I told her I forgave her for that incident, it was my fault. I've learned that true forgiveness means the debt has been paid in full. Now, I make promises I am 100% certain I can keep.

I would add low self-esteem to her list: I am working with my therpist on this the most. How can I expect my W to love me if I don't love myself?

[Cadet]

Not to be au contraire but will you pay my phone bill too?

Hello Cadet,

Thanks for making me laugh.

Thank you also for checking in and the good advice and reminder.

I hope the rest of your Sunday is a pleasant one.

Bob

So I guess this means you won't pay my phone bill.

[Bob723]

So I guess this means you won't pay my phone bill.

Hello Cadet,

Good guess!

Bob

[Cadet]

Good for you.

Setting a boundary

We are making progress.

[Zues126]

I'll chip in $5 if y'all want to chip in and hook Cadet up. Least we can do

Thanks for posting that Bob. It's important to keep making progress.

I noticed most of those things are very specific in terms of interacting with W. Which isn't bad. I just wonder how you work on them on your own. Maybe you work it backwards to figure out what YOU got out of smothering her, etc.

It sounds like the co-dependent/Mr. nice guy thing we see so often around here. I'm not diagnosing you, there are balances between caring for your partner and being a co-dependent "nice guy". But the idea of putting her needs first and growing resentful, hidden agendas and controlling behavior, trying to dismiss your emotions to win your W back during BD1 but then getting angry that they weren't heard and having it boil out of you...all looks very familiar.

Glad you're working with IC, and glad you're standing by your M. I wonder where you'll be in 6 months. As you get stronger I really wonder how you'll feel about your W. I can't speak for you, but I can speak for me. It would take a heck of a lot for my W to make me feel safe partnering up with her again...and let it be known if I was ever able to open my heart to her again and she made the same decision, well, I would consider her permanently off the table unless God spoke to me personally. BUT- I know it's easier for me to say when I'm not in your shoes, just like the friends/family that tell the WAS's to just cut bait.

What I will predict, however, is that you will start really wrestling with this in the months ahead, especially as your self esteem comes up, you learn to be more direct about your needs and realize she wasn't meeting them, the co-dependency has died, and you see her for who she really is. Not saying you won't be open to R, just that it might not be your primary mission. Anyway, I realize I just posted these thoughts on my thread and it's influencing me quite a bit here.

So keep charging, and anything you can do to gradually shift those goals from her to you would be great. It will do you more good if she never looks back, and it might do you more good because the changes will be genuine, and not just more of putting what you think she wants in front of what you want!

[Bob723]

Thank you Cadet!

Bob

[Bob723]

It sounds like the co-dependent/Mr. nice guy thing we see so often around here.

I'm not diagnosing you, there are balances between caring for your partner and being a co-dependent "nice guy". But the idea of putting her needs first and growing resentful, hidden agendas and controlling behavior, trying to dismiss your emotions to win your W back during BD1 but then getting angry that they weren't heard and having it boil out of you...all looks very familiar.

Glad you're working with IC, and glad you're standing by your M. I wonder where you'll be in 6 months. As you get stronger I really wonder how you'll feel about your W. I can't speak for you, but I can speak for me. It would take a heck of a lot for my W to make me feel safe partnering up with her again...and let it be known if I was ever able to open my heart to her again and she made the same decision, well, I would consider her permanently off the table unless God spoke to me personally. BUT- I know it's easier for me to say when I'm not in your shoes, just like the friends/family that tell the WAS's to just cut bait.

Hello Zues,

Wow, you hit the nail right on the head! I know you are not diagnosing me, but guess what? That's exactly what my IC feels: the co-dependent/Mr. nice guy thing. I now realizw we had a co-dependent realtionship. Maybe not in the beginning years, but as my W's MS got worse. At times, I took her need for autonomy as a sign I wasn't doing a good enough job of caring for her. How dumb of me!

I am not bashing my W here, but my IC also thinks I'll come to the realization that I'll be better off without her. I have been going to him weekly for 6 months now, and have been as honest as I can be about my part in this.

You know what he thinks? "I'm not the only one my W should be blaming in this relationship. She's excessively nagging, selfish, holds grudges and keeps score forever - none one of those attributes are helpful in a marriage. Nor is bad mouthing you to your kids."

I put that in quotes because that is exactly what he said. I actually wrote it down just to give myself a different perspective on our sitch.

Interesting, huh? Zues, I think you'd make an excellent therapist.

Almost everyone I know thinks I should give up on her. I'm still not ready to. I feel she resents me, not only for my bad actions, but also because she had to depend on me so much at times. It's a fairly common thing I've learned with folks who have a chronic illness as my W does...to eventually resent their "caretaker."

I'm trying to be as patient as I humanly can be with her. I understand why she feels the way she does. The D was my "Ah ha moment." I do think I'm like you..."It would take a heck of a lot for my W to make me feel safe partnering up with her again."

Thanks Z - you ROCK!

Bob

[mahhhty]

Mahhhty, I'd like you to know that your efforts to help me have not gone unnoticed. I dedicate a prayer to you every night. (Well, some nights I might fall asleep before completing them all-but I try!) Why? It's to thank God for your help and also that He helps you with your situation and continues to give you strength to move forward.

Bob... I can never adequately express how touching and how compassionate that is. First, Thank You! Second, You owe me and everyone else nothing. You have poured yourself into these threads, gave support and/or advice to all who you have been able to. The people on here definitely appreciate it, and despite what the Bob from a couple months ago thinks (who said something like...replying felt off, b/c you didn't have any solid advice), I am very confident that you have a gift.

[Bob723]

Mahhhty, I'd like you to know that your efforts to help me have not gone unnoticed. I dedicate a prayer to you every night. (Well, some nights I might fall asleep before completing them all-but I try!) Why? It's to thank God for your help and also that He helps you with your situation and continues to give you strength to move forward.

Bob... I can never adequately express how touching and how compassionate that is. First, Thank You! Second, You owe me and everyone else nothing. You have poured yourself into these threads, gave support and/or advice to all who you have been able to. The people on here definitely appreciate it, and despite what the Bob from a couple months ago thinks (who said something like...replying felt off, b/c you didn't have any solid advice), I am very confident that you have a gift.

Mahhhty, Wow, this might be a first. A man bringing me to tears (happy tears). Thank you for the extremely kind sentiment. I truly feel I'm doing no more than you or many others on this board, but I'll take the compliment. You have really humbled me.

You're correct, I did write someting to the effect that I didn't have any solid advice to offer. You inspired me and gave me confidence that I could do it.

A gift? Wow, again very kind of you Mahhhty.

Let's keep the lovefest going!! LOL

Thank you from the bottom of my heart buddy. I did dedicate my first prayer to you last night.

Bob

[Ripken8]

Bob, sorry I've been away from the boards gal and trying to get through my sitch as best I can. Just got caught up on the last couple of days for you. Sorry it's been so rough with your wife distant and the callous feeling of the text back.

I know that all too well, but it does get easier. Detaching and keeping busy helps along with time. Imo time by itself won't do much and could make it worse, but if you fill it with your 180 and ways to make yourself a better person and love yourself more, as everyone here clearly does, you'll find more indifference to what your ww is currently doing or saying. It will allow you freedom to just be.

I've only been having glimpses of that, but they've been great. I know they've only come as a result of me stopping my fear of letting go and losing her. She's already gone and I was the only one who hadn't accepted it yet