What triggered the anger in her during your phone call? The simple act of you calling or was it something you said? I ask because you want to make sure you avoid cheeseless tunnels. Something happened today that you do not want to repeat. Identify it.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I don't have a lot of time to explain the contents of the conversation in which W asked for a D.
We hadn't talked in about a week except for some mundane texts about the kids.
Then a few nights ago (I returned home from work last night), she said that our renter is moving out of one of our rentals and she will be moving in on May 4th. I agreed and was kind on the phone. Didn't want to be argumentative. She wanted to start talking about a dissolution right when I returned and I told her I need some more time to think about it. I then told her that I don't want a divorce and wouldn't agree to a dissolution for 1 year. I'm willing to fight for this marriage and to work on me. I said that if we are still in a status quo in 1 year from today, I will willingly enter into an amicable dissolution. W said I was trying to control her again. I let her know that we live in a no-fault divorce state and she could file for divorce at any time and she doesn't need an amicable dissolution. This calmed her somewhat and she said she'd have to sleep on it.
The next day she said that a 1 year waiting period sounds like a good idea, if not for the kid's sake, to be able to tell them down the road that we gave it an honest effort. She left the home to stay at family friend's house while I am home until she moves into our rental home. I can tell not being with the kids is driving her insane. I haven't initiated contact, but have been pleasant on the phone when she calls. She called this morning about the kids, in what I presume was a temperture check. Then she texted me multiple times throughout the day a few meaningless texts. I took my time to respond to each one, but did so succintly, but not rudely. Then after work, she called me to see if she could see the kids for 10 minutes and I told her that we were all at the playground and she could swing by.
When she arrived, she gave both the kids big hugs and then we shared an awkward hug and kissed eachother on the cheek (even more awkward). Trying to be lovingly in return, but not overly enthusiastic. After watching the kids play and making small talk and laughing with the kids, she said she had to go. (I would have left first, but for the kids playing). And she approached me and gave me a long hug. Not going to lie, but it felt genuine and sincere, but I have a feeling she was trying to feed me breadcrumbs. Don't want to mindread or have expectations at this point. But, I suspect she's having second thoughts.
I had a really good talk a few days ago with my Counsin's wife who seemed like a pseudo-shrink and left the two hour conversation elated and optimistic. Won't bore you with the details, but I got a lot off my chest and have felt amazing ever since. For the first time I feel truly detached. I told her that I have the gift of time and I need to "work on me," but I don't really know what "working on me" is. She explained that working on you is getting to a spot where you're happy and you don't need other's to make you happy. Sounds simple, but I finally understood. There was a lot more discussed, but ever since then, I have truly felt empowered and liberated. I've hardly thought about WAW and have found contentment and thankfulness in the things I do have (health, kids, family, roof over my head, etc., etc.). This is actually an amazing feeling once you get to this point. She explained to me that stress, anxiety, and guilt are all either causes or symptoms of unhappiness. I told her I had a lot of all three. She told me to let go of those and I'll feel better. She's a heavy equipment operator and has never been to college, yet these were the most profound words I have ever heard.
Yes, you can read Cadet's opening message and all the links he provides over and over again, but once you actually "get it" everything is so much easier. Wish I could have come to this epiphany right after BD. Yeah! It's only been 3 days, but my outlook is so much better than even before BD. I finally get what JamesJohn<?> wrote in his explanation of LRT (which I have printed out and read every day, in addition to the 37 rules). Funny thing is... since my epiphany, I haven't needed to refer to his explanation of the 37 rules, because it all just makes sense now.
Sorry for the novel... but, I wish I could explain it better to those who have not yet gotten to this DETACHment point. I've had the best nights sleep in each of the past 3 nights than I have in a few months.
Will update more later. Based on W's increased willingness to make contact with me, I think her fog is lifting and she doesn't really want to move out or be away from the kids half the year. I'll keep my distance until I see a true desire to even begin reconciliation and know that she's not just manipulating me (or trying to anyway). *pats self on back*
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
Checked my mint account today and noticed W went to the big town for the weekend and stayed at Nice hotel and ate at nice restaurants all on her credit cards. in Past two weekends she has spent about a $1,200 on hotels and bars in the city (compared to our rural area) she doesn't know I can just look on Mint and see where cards are being spent. I never asked where she was going or showed anything but indifference. Have not heard from her since Friday. I suspect OM/OW in the big city. Still don't know for sure, but if it looks like a skunk, smells like a skunk, its probably a skunk. She did tell her mom that I look really good though. I've been enjoying time with kids and the lake ice has thawed. Going to put jetski in water and have some fun. Make sure to put some pics on FB.
I have now lost #40 and am lighter than I was in highSchool. Weird seeing abs again. My once pudgy jaw line is chiseled and my W said I looked 10 years younger when she saw me on Friday. Feels good!
I love my W, but Just not sure how long I can hold out waiting for her fog to lift. I have been observing obvious language by attractive women lately who seem to know about my sitch. Small town word travels fast. I obviously haven't acted on anything, but it certainly helps with detaching And boosting esteem. I've always preferred to DHV (demonstrate higher value) in my approach to women, priding my self on loyalty and being a good manly man. In the future, I will pride myself on being a good husband and father thanks to communication lessons and validation techniques I've learned from db/Dr.
In a few hours I will be attending church with my father in law along with my kids. I've long considered myself an atheist/agnostic, but as a military member, have always known there are no atheists in foxholes. I figure I'm in a foxhole right now and could use a powerful sermon. Also, this is a huge 180 for me since it is so far out of my character. I will be attending with an open mind, and father and mother in law are thrilled I'll be attending with the kids.
Not much to add, but I'm pretty sure what's going on with W, and it doesn't really affect me the way would have a couple months ago. Still weighing whether or not I would be willing to take her back if she wants to come back.
Just Journaling
Last edited by SadDood; 05/03/1501:47 PM.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
I'm not really worried about the debt. If anything, I've been much worse acquiring assets without telling her. Never had an affair, but definitely practiced financial infidelity. I'm certainly not wealthy, but definitely not in a positron where $1,200 will damage me. I have spent probably $20k on cameras and lenses alone in the past year without telling her about a single dime. Have harbored a lot of guilt over this, and think it contributed to my current sitch. I think it a weird MLC phase on my part dreaming of a more exciting career as a photojournalist or sports photographer. Weird, I know! She said she wanted time and space and I didn't give it to her initially. So, now giving her what she wants and trying my best to not control or pursue in any way. This is a 180 for me. I'm having a Blast with the kids any way.
Nothing gonna breaka my stride, nothing gonna slow me down...oh no. Got to keep on moving... (song stuck in my head lately)
Last edited by SadDood; 05/03/1502:35 PM.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
Well, W moved out this past weekend. I let her know I would be out of town and she could have all day Saturday and Sunday (Mother's Day).
I had a great time! I invited our Son's best friend and his mom to go fishing and stay at a friend's cabin on an island. The Mom (I'll call her FF for Female Friend) is friend's with W and I and very familiar with our sitch. She even texted W to see if she would have a problem prior to going with me and the kids. I don't think I would have been able to do it without her TBH. (Handling a boat, launching, mooring, etc.) with a 4 and 6 y.o. seems impossible.
Once we arrived to the cabin, we explored a lot and let the kids be kids. The place is really unbelievable and really wish I could divulge it's whereabouts. After the kids had settled down and had fallen asleep, we had a few beers, then polished off a bottle of wine. I was really attentive to FF and very interested in her stories, she has really lived an interesting life. All in all, we really enjoyed one another's company. I let her know my theory about what is going on and she let me see some texts W had sent her. W got a tattoo the weekend before (I've always hated them on women--just a personal thing--no offense to anyone). Either way, FF was a great listener and we had a great time with the kids. At the end of the night she went to her room with her S and I went to mine with my kids. Nothing remotely intimate happened whatsoever. I could definitely see myself getting to know her a lot better down the road.
As far as updates/intel. My neighbor let me know that a brown truck has been parked at my house every night I'm gone from 6 pm til about midnight and belongs to a redheaded woman. The same one I suspected initially as being the OP. I haven't let W know I have this intel and have limited conversations to the children. I'm going to trust my gut on this one and say that the redhead is the OW. I literally have nothing against gays, but my W is having an affair with OW and being very hush hush about it. We live in a small town and word would get out very quickly and not be necessarily positive.
Lately, I have been doing a lot of fun things with the kids (Fishing, bike riding, hikes and playing outside) I even took my S's training wheels off and was able to help him ride a bike for the first time. It was really exciting! I took a video and texted it to the W, because this was somewhat monumentous.
Other than that text, all conversation has been initiated by her and mostly dealt with the kids, separating finances, etc. She'll text me throughout the day and I'll respond with one in the evening. Setting boundaries has been easier. She wanted me to rush in and sign some document to split our cell phone bills, but I was playing with kids and told her I'd just do it the next day. Definitely was going to do it on my time and not hers.
Have been texting and talking with FF a lot more, but nothing more than "getting to know you" type things. I can tell she's guarded and she can tell I'm raw. Neither of us are willing to jump into anything with anyone. But, somehow this has helped me cope with the downfall of my M. Just knowing there are single women out there that I could be attracted to and lessen the pain of losing W helps. I like being the fun "old me" and making other's laugh. If nothing else... it's boosting my confidence.
As far as W, I'm not sure I'm willing to forgive an A. She still hasn't admitted to it to anyone and I haven't asked. I can now see the effects on the kids though and that alone has been tougher than I expected. S told me that "Mommy still loved me and she can just move back in!" I didn't have the words to tell him and just hugged him close so that he couldn't see the tears fall from my eyes.
Sorry for the length of this... just wanted to get some thoughts down (as incoherent as they may be).
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
You still don't have any evidence of an A. I don't know why you can't accept the fact that maybe your W was tired of putting up with your issues for so long and just wanted out. Your bipolar issues could be making you paranoid and you can't seem to let certain things go.
"I could definitely see myself getting to know her a lot better down the road. "
It's very obvious that this was your original intention. So why don't you go ahead and file already? I mean, you haven't fully worked on yourself so want to medicate your hurt feelings with another woman. Problem is that because you haven't worked on yourself, the same issues are going to come up.
Sure you'll be "in love" with this new woman. But how long until your insecurities start coming up again? You'll start see the guys she talks to as threats or that she may be having an A, etc. And the cycle goes around again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you MrBond! I read and re-read what you wrote and it helped me very much. As always, you're exactly right. I almost immediately stopped feeling sorry for myself and felt better than I had in months. If that makes any sense.
Not long after, I texted MIL and thanked her for her support throughout this mess. FIL texted me a few hours after that and I thanked him and told him no matter what we'll get through this (we're very close).
W texted me not long after that and we had a pretty decent text conversation. Nothing serious. But pleasant!
Since I was in such a good mood, I decided to throw a "Water Balloon Fight" kids party for all our mutual friends (who mostly have kids the same age) and made an event page on FB. It's a big 180 for me. I've never been one to plan much of anything, let alone host anything. W almost immediately accepted invite and most of our mutual friends will be going. Had another long text convo today with W and she simply said, "You seem like you're in a better place. I'm really happy for you!" Not going to make much of that, but MWD says small steps are big steps.
Obviously I have my ups and downs and don't want to give up on my M. After reading your post, I decided I'm going to call 3 friends I haven't talked to in a long time. I did and it was great! At work today, I didn't have that same gloomy look I've had the past few months and was actually able to laugh with the guys and make some jokes. Almost forcing myself to be more social has felt great!
I still have a lot of work to do, and I can see my insecurities for what they are. Whether W is in an A or not, I certainly pushed her to that point. She's not in a rush to file, so, I'm going to give it all I've got.
Thank you MrBond! I needed that 2x4. I'm going to keep forcing myself to be more social as I can tell that makes me happy inside. I might need a few more 2x4's before this is all said and done. Patience has never been my strongsuit and this is going to take so much patience and understanding, it is hard to fathom. I keep on wanting to take the easy way out and there is no easy way out.
So, I'm going to keep up the "stop feeling sorry for myself" attitude and GAL and do more 180's. W did say the other day that the kids had a blast with me and I'm such a great daddy. I told her she's a great Mommy, and I hoped she has as much fun with them as I did.
I do think my bipolar is contributing to paranoia and that's one (of the many) things she said is that she can't stand the rollercoaster and never knows which Saddood she's going to be dealing with. Huge 180 if I can keep this up and remain even keel throughout everything.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
RAI-- I always enjoy your threads! I agree with you about worrying all the time and the purpose of anxiety. It's hard to imagine anyone leaving someone so accomplished and insightful. I'm no where near as accomplished and still struggle with the "why's," but this is all becoming clearer with each passing day. MrBond pointed out to me my insecurities and with more introspection, I see my insecurites as the root of all my marital strife. This DBing is starting to make some sense.
I'm so proud of how you've handled everything. I can definitely identify with your FB story, as my W is still beautiful, but she is detiorating at a much faster rate than I. It doesn't make me love her any less, but when I look objectively at FB pics... I'm aging very well. But, the more I look at my sitch and myself... I really have a lot of improving to do. There is a lot of low hanging fruit!
I really do hope the very best for you... and Rise Above It!
SD,
I am a relative newbie here and I also have a lot to learn, so take this for what it's worth.
If there is one underlying theme to your thread it is that, IMHO, you are still very reactive to your Ws moods and whims. When your W is warm towards you, you become optimistic and friendlier with her. When your W is cold or hard on you, you become pessimistic and more antagonistic towards her. By being reactive in this way, your actions betray you. You send a message to your W that you are still very attached to her and her moods. A sobering thought that you need to think about: Your W wants to D you. She has said it and is proceeding down that route. For your own sanity, I think you need to detach more. Easier said than done, of course, but instead of being reactive to her moods, truly detach. She is a WAW. Her moods are going to be all over the place - that is script. But you mustn't let her moods dictate your approach. Pick an approach - preferably the one suggested by MrBond - and stick to it. Again, this is my impression only - take it or leave it.
Another thing I noticed is you seem to be hiding or suppressing the pain you are feeling from all of this. There are numerous instances where you state that you are not sad or that you really are OK with things. If this is true, then more power to you. If however, deep down, you feel awful, that is understandable. It is still early in the process. You may let your guard down here. If I am off the mark, I apologize.
It is a very good that you are starting to take notice and implement the things that MrBond is telling you. For a while, it seemed like you weren't hearing him. If you have the ear of a vet, you should take advantage of it. I have seen threads where it made ALL the difference (I highly recommend OnGuard's thread for a quick read and for an example of how a vet can help).
Regarding the "why's" you mentioned in your post to me, I am not sure to what you are referring, but if you are asking yourself why this happened or why your W is doing what she is doing or even "why me?", that is counter-productive. I am sure everyone asks "why" in times of crisis. But in this case especially, aside from understanding your contribution to the breakdown of your marriage, there will be few answers to "Why?" Someone who experienced a car accident will ask "why me?" and truthfully, we don't know why. So we roll up our sleeves and get to work being the best RAI or SD we can be.
On an unrelated note, you said you wanted to change your username. I have seen some posters do this. It may temporarily confuse things, but contact an administrator if you want to. May I suggest simply "Dood"?
