Thanks for pep talk. Not giving up on DB. Two of my traits are stubbornnes and persistence, so those are coming in handy theses days. Just working through a billion emotions.
H was super moody and agitated yesterday morning, so I just ignored it but stayed pleasant. I took off to go to IC and get my hair done, which both gave me a confidence boost and came home with that attitude!
I was surprised that he stayed around the house all day. He actually did work on the yard. He likes doing that sort of stuff, but has not showed any interest in our home for over 5 weeks other than to eat and sleep. When I came home he asked how IC was ( I had not told him that was were I was going).
Needed new battery for my car. He offered to go deal with it for me, so I let him. I cooked dinner and we ate together when he got back. I know this is not detaching/180 but seemed the right thing to wait since he took my car to get fixed. Dinner turned into wonderful, light and airy conversation that lasted over two hours. We actually both laughed and smiled multiple times and he seemed to be enjoying himself. Talked about wedding we are going to in NY and does not seem anxious about it at all. Almost swore he was almost a bit flirty and teasing about some things. Detach, Detach, Detach. He did manage to through in some small comments to get me riled up. Some how we got on the topic that we gave booth been watching TED Talks. His science related. He then said your probably watching relationship stuff and laughed. I am turned away and ignored it, but was thinking our sitch is a joke to you? He is trying to act like it is not bothering him. More aviodance.
Still, overall the conversation was good though. The only thing he said about my hair was that it looked lighter, so that was disappointing. He is avoiding giving me any sort of compliment other than thank you right now.
If all goes accordingly, he will pull back and be standoffish today. Usually happens after we make any sort of connection. Will leave it up to him to initiate any communication today.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Gan: yes, I have really ramped up GAL and attractiveness for myself. I know that H has noticed. I am just not good with coming home really late and need to work on being more mysterious.will check out the book you mentioned.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I have been trying to avoid those negative thoughts and live in place of love because anger and resentment are a big part of why our marriage crumbled.
You might want to check out Labug's threads. Hers were an inspiration to me when I started this journey - precisely because she set the goal early on of not ending up bitter and angry over all of this. She reconciled with her H after a couple of years even though things looked very dire.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
As expected, My H pulled back yesterday. He seemed fine in the morning. Sought me out in the morning on the patio to have breakfast. I could see more softness/vulnerability in his face. He decided to go work in the office as he is still feeling very stressed and overwhelmed by new job.
When H came home, I was already eating dinner, and I could be wrong, but almost sensed he was disappointed that I did not wait for him. I felt it was important for me to pull back and detach a little. I figure if he wants to have dinner as a couple that it should be up to him to communicate that after having been disengaged and erratic in behavior. He took the dog for a walk and them came home and ate. I was reading on sofa and chatted for a bit, but then ended convo to go take hot bath before bed. During this time he seemed to get more withdrawn and moody. When I came out of bathroom, H had gone into his room and shut door. Did not even bother to say goodnight. It is amazing, but I am sure not surprising, that we can go from have a great conversation and bit of connection the night before, to him being back to withdraw.
Some questions for vets.... I am assuming this is how this is meant to progress for now? Is it the connection that we have had making him withdraw again? Is it bad for me to pull back after we have had a good interaction?
The good news is that because I have detach emotionally his behavior did not really make me upset. I was expecting it to happen!
Last edited by BW05; 05/04/1502:19 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Also, I should mention that I started reading MWD's Sex Starved Marriage. I certainly see my M in this book and why we have as many issues as we do. Again, I had no idea that sex had so much more meaning to my H and what he must have been feeling do to lack of physical intimacy. This book as really resonated with me.
No wonder I see so much hurt, anger and resentment from H. It certainly makes me sad and regretful that I did not learn this sooner. I think it would have made me try harder to figure out desire issues. It could have made a big difference in our M. Just not sure how to express this specific realization to H. just concerned that it is too late for him to accept. I know that I just need to work on me and my changes, but not sure how this is translated non-verbally to H.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BW- I just wrote a book on Gan's thread on this topic. I've never been an author before. Check it out.
As for your H...I've got no words that will help. I don't really believe in measurable progress. I feel like the journey is so long and hard that if you are looking for progress you won't make it. I'd say keep your eyes on you. Also see the post I made on Bob's thread, about how detachment comes from restructuring how you meet your needs. It was a moment of clarity that I wish I understood a while ago.
By the way, do you have a DB coach?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Yes, have 4th meeting with coach today. Going to ask some clarifying Qs as her advice seems to be contradictory to the advice I am getting through Forum.
Yes, trying to let go of timeline, signs of progress would help me keep going. I guess I need to let go of that now too. Still have issue with just wanting it fixed.
Today is my birthday, so interested to see what if anything H does. I have no expectations/plan on him not doing anything other than saying happy birthday. I have plans to hang out with a bunch of girlfriends tonight, so that is good.
Question...I have made it clear to H that I don't plan on any affairs/new relationships unless we get to the place of divorce. Was this the wrong thing to say? I feel it takes a little of the mystery out of who I am with and what I am doing. But that is what I committed to when I married H.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
We seem to have a similar story. My WAS told me he had lost the lack of intimacy and sex for me basically month after your H told you he wanted a divorce. The difference in my story is that it was my H who was distant and I who would like to engage more. I knew we had issues but I had hoped we could work it through.
Like you I am finding detachment hard. My H is living downstairs and we have two Ds. Hang in there..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Received an enthusiastic happy birthday from H when I walked in from bootcamp. No card or presents as of yet and not expecting. He was rather chatty this morning, asked my opinion about shirt he was wearing, and gave me hug goodbye before work. I reciprocated but pulled away first. My think he sensed this.
He said I will see you later tonight if you are around that is. Interesting that he is coming home and not going out. 6th night in a row. He has pulled way back from staying out late compared to weeks prior. Anyway, I said no, I have made other plans and did not elaborate. I think he was surprised. No way I was going too wait around and end up at home alone on birthday.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
