Following what I just said - I also don't want make things worse with STBX, so... With mothers day coming up should i take kids to get her a present. I think yes, it would be almost rude not. I won't be sending her birthday wishes etc, but this is different. do you think she would interpret it the wrong way and I should just ignore it?
in other cases i can see how it is not my role, but this sorta is.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
When talking about trying to control outlooks to manage feelings, once again I am drawn to what my IC has repeatedly told me: People aren't afraid of what might happen in the future, they are afraid of being unable to handle the emotions that result from what may happen.
He insists that if we learn that we can deal with our difficult feelings, it will relieve a TON of anxiety, and reduce the need to control everything. He said "they're just feelings, you won't melt, your heart won't stop beating. It may not feel good but you can gain confidence in your ability to deal with them".
So much of what you say is trying to manage things so you don't feel the way you are feeling. What if you just said screw it, and sat with those feelings. Let them overwhelm you a bit. Then wake up the next morning and realize that you're still there, and you're actually ok.
I'm not saying it's one or the other. I think looking at which outlooks are more effective, focusing on things you're appreciative of, and other positive traits that help shift you out of despair are important as well. But I think maybe a blend? Like learn to be ok with feeling bad as that is a natural and important reaction, but then after you've let them wash over you a bit and you've 'acclimated' to those feelings (so you know you're not just reacting out of terror), refocus your mind and just set them aside. And don't be afraid that they might return. THEY WILL. But then you can do this again.
When you learn to be ok even when you're not ok...you'll find yourself gaining confidence and feeling better and better able to meet life on life's terms. And I think this is a good R skill to develop as well, as so much of the destructive behavior we did was trying to control our spouse to make sure we didn't experience feelings we didn't like. Lot of parallels.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
When you learn to be ok even when you're not ok...you'll find yourself gaining confidence and feeling better and better able to meet life on life's terms. And I think this is a good R skill to develop as well, as so much of the destructive behavior we did was trying to control our spouse to make sure we didn't experience feelings we didn't like. Lot of parallels.
I tend to sit too long with my feelings before actively distracting myself. But they do certainly resurface as you say. And when they do I am grateful for spending too long with them before, because I can deal with them better the next time around.
You're right, I am more scared of how I will feel/fall apart when for e.g. she re-M or something, than the actual event. I will take this onboard.
I'm having a problem with the "controlling" behaviour. My IC is ......skeptical. My Mum doesn't agree at all. I have been meaning to post a comprehensive history and psychological development as I move through it myself. But that is ...a work in progress. So in the interests of ever posting anything.... briefly
My egomaniac father did always push me. Mainly academically. When I was 8 i had a brain tumour. My life changed forever, and my happy childhood ended. Several months later I returned to school as the outcast sick kid, bald and big scar. As part of rehabilitation I learnt to meditate. I was naturally introspective. And I didn't have friends to distract me. I craved acceptance.
A few years later, at high school, I was LESS known as the brain tumour kid. I discovered that he clown of the class was very popular. Thats where I headed. A decade later I was still a clown, living the high life, drugs, partying etc.
I went back to school at 27. HUGE 180. Single. a few years later I met W.
My "ego" has always been very conflicted. In the first years of our R I felt great. I had acceptance, and I dint have to be "the clown". I was excelling academically. Then she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. As i have said before, I was absorbed in my PhD and neglected her. Anyway, she came back to me.
I was getting tremmors losing co-ordination, balance, hearing, paralysis. Not hugely to stop me from leading a normal life. Then I blacked out one day. No problem, but I saw a neurologist anyway. He explained all of symptoms to me. The tumour is not a problem, but the after effects of radiotherapy are progressively manifested in my daily life.
How bad is it? Not huge really. But noticeable. For e.g. I can't ski anymore, hell i can't even write with a pen to fill out a form.
Anyway, the significant thing here is that following her leaving me as well, this just compounded my NEED to hang on to her. And that became to much pressure to bare. I NEEDed the acceptance and I couldn't lose that. So I was controlling in this respect.
i'll leave it here for now.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
