if it's too late why is he still here?

[RAI]

I have started to keep a diary in my cell phone. I document quality time with my kids - if my w ever tried to call that into question, and I document erratic behavior by my W in case our D ever turns (more) sour. In this day and age having a indelible record is pretty easy. I am not perfect at it, but it's a START. I doubt that this BB is admissible. Even writing on good old fashioned paper may be more reliable.

RAI

[lost18]

Thanks Bob, Mahhhty & RAI for checking in on me.

I think confusing is an understatement! LOL

Today, H comes in the house and he was opening a package. He brought it over to me and said "don't say I never gave you anything." I replied "I would never say that." He ordered me a cookbook. It's actually really funny too....it's called "Thug Kitchen: eat like you give a f..k" (a vegetarian cookbood, we are not vegetarians) I asked where he got the idea and he said SIL showed it to him the other day. He knows I like to cook and try new recipes and that I try to be healthy(sometimes...lol) so it was actually a really thoughtful gift.

Then tonight it seems like he was texting again (hiding the texting is more of a factor than the texting itself).

My sister said to "let it roll" which I know is what I'm supposed to do...just frustrating as hell and so disrespectful.

Anyway, other than all of that drama I had a decent weekend. Played softball Friday and went out afterwards. Saturday I cleaned the house some and power washed part of the lanai. Then we had the baseball game. Today I finished the lanai and D16 and I went shopping and stopped where her friend works to eat. Cooked dinner, H grilled and we ate outside. Have had some really nice weather so I hung out by the pool and had some wine....this is when H went in the garage to text...

I'm looking forward to vacation this summer and a couple of weeks away from him, and I always enjoy my time up there and since it will be just D16 and I for the first couple of weeks I will not have to worry about too much. D16 usually spends time with her cousins and friends so I will be on my own. There are a few things we are going to do together as well. I am definitely going to use that time to decompress and reevaluate.

Time to make appt #2 with DB coach. Haven't done a great job on the compliments the past few days...will have to make an effort tomorrow.

[mahhhty]

So he randomly bought you something, and it was actually kinda cool and funny. Progress?

[mahhhty]

Honestly, I can't believe I wrote that after he left everyone randomly and went drinking. But it does sound like he did a nice thing.

[lost18]

Right? He's definitely more of a mess than me...at least I know what I want (although I often question what I'm doing to try to get it!)

Not that I feel like defending him BUT...in his defense he doesn't go out often. Other than when his buddy was here this is the first time (maybe 2nd) in 7 months that he's been out. To me it was more the way he did it and not answering D13s calls or texts. I have gone out several times without telling him I was going (part of DB right).

Finally finished the substitute assignment I was on, although I need to make the $$ glad it's over! I did take a job tomorrow but think I'm definitely taking Wed off and hitting the beach!

[mahhhty]

Hows the beach today?

[lost18]

Gorgeous! But I failed to apply enough sunblock to the back of my thighs and they are quite red! To make it better I took the jeep so it was a nice breezy ride.

This has been going on so long I'm not sure why I can't be more detached. It's frustrating. I really am trying not to let his phone activity bother me, but when he's texting his buddies it's almost like he purposely lets me see it, other times he tries to hide the fact that he is even texting. THAT is my biggest problem right now....well and the fact that I don't think he's attracted to me at all physically. Although my sister thinks the reason that he avoids any touching or even looking at me is because he's afraid something might spark...who knows.

I am going to try to focus on eating healthy and exercising for the next couple of months. Tired of feeling this way about myself and really want to buy some new clothes and fit into the ones I have! Going to the grocery store now to stock up on healthy stuff!

thanks for checking in as always!

[RAI]

Trying to figure out your WAS behavior? Good luck. Near impossible.

I may be wrong - because I no longer waste my time ve4rifying this - but I suspect that I can tell from whom she is receiving a text by her reaction: When she reads it out loud, it is (obviously) not from OM. But she always reads her texts out loud when she receives them in front of me. It is as if she is proclaiming "See? look how open I am". Needless to say, it does not inspire trust in the least. In contrast when she gets a text from OM, she scans it quickly and puts her phone in her pocket quickly. I can see it on her face immediately. I once did go back to her phone records and corroborated that indeed he did text her at that moment.

Again - I am no longer verifying her text usage (trying not too, anyway), but it does not really matter. There is no real transparency and that is a dealbreaker. So I just act "as if" when I see her getting a text - despite the pain.

Just one of the many "funny" behaviors of my WAW.

RAI

[mahhhty]

Sounds like a good beach day!

You have been stuck on the phone usage, but currently you have no proof of another woman. It is time to understand that you could be getting angry for no reason. Also, in the DB ways, it doesn't matter... you should be acting AS IF.

[lost18]

I know I posted a reply to RAI yesterday about how ridiculous I know I am trying to figure out what is going on in his head and everytime I post something like that, which I know is way to often, how it is not helping my efforts. Sigh...

I know you're right Mahhhty, but yet it is the one thing that I'm really, really struggling with. Probably because I find it so hard to understand why anyone would rather have a texting/internet relationship (for lack of a better word) than the real thing. But then I think about the fact that we got to where we are for a reason and he still doesn't see that we could have a different/good marriage.

Of course I let myself get irritated with his texting again today (not visibly...but I'm really frustrating the hell out of myself!) I thought maybe he went to bed so he could text without having to "hide," he told D13 not to lay with him because he was going to sleep. I literally started laughing out loud because I thought "If that is really how he wants to live his life, hiding in a shitty little room with a mattress on the floor so he can text some woman...have at it!"

I really can't wait for vacation!

Started my "diet" today, I'm not a big dieter, I'm more about moderation and portion control, but I'm feeling a little desperate and need a jump start. Of course I haven't run all week because my friend has been unavailable and I'm not self-motivated! Yikes....

On another note I think it's time to set up a girls night! I think I will make a plan....