My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

it just sux. W being so happy makes me feel even worse. i cant help focusing on the "happy ending". what do i want? as in the DR chapter.

i want to save my M. i dont want the R we have had for the past few years. so maybe i should recast this simply as the R i want to have. NOT involving W, because this all seems hopeless for so many reasons. although, i would love for it to be with my W, this shouldn't be my focus?

even then I should back it off to - "who do I want to be in this new R". Then work on that i suppose.

it just sux man. i keep being dragged back down. it becomes about HER again and less about ME. I know you can't and shouldn't BUT what I really want to hear is that she will change her mind. I dont think this will ever happen. The next best thing i would like to hear then is that she will regret it. I dont think this will ever happen either.

I need to turn this around and leave it at "YOU will be OK. YOU will enjoy your life again one day."

[Zues126]

Just remember that thoughts aren't real. Even feelings are just a reflection of your immediate environment. So when you're in an unpleasant spot, you feel bad, your brain starts making up thoughts that match those feelings trying to reason a way out.

Given that, it makes total sense. You feel bad for a reason. You're trying to sort through it. But no matter how you twist it, you can't change the fact that it hurts. Relentlessly.

I'm sorry you're in pain Py. Your last sentence is correct. You don't have to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just know that it's there.

And your ability to do what you know is right despite your emotions, and the crazy thoughts that follow...THAT will allow you to change your environment for the better, and for the good. Take care P.

[Pyrite]

Thanks Z.

trying to reason a way out.

Given that, it makes total sense. You feel bad for a reason. You're trying to sort through it. But no matter how you twist it, you can't change the fact that it hurts

Hammers the nail in again. Same problem over and over. Trying to reason my way out, it's how i control things, rather than just letting them happen.

[Zues126]

Hey Py, hope you're doing ok. I know the last few days have been overwhelming. Care to share?

[Pyrite]

Thanx Z. I will later. Py

[Pyrite]

My life is a roller-coaster. Every time it does a lap, the track morphs a little. It can stretch, flatten out and cover more ground, or it can spring back into the centre with wild peaks and troughs. ATM these are troughs of despair and unfortunately the peaks are mountains of guilt, not joy.

It was like the perfect storm. Everything coincided to crush me. It is very hard to relate the storms now to those past, without an objective measure. They do get further apart, and they seem to be less severe in general. This could be that I am just developing a tolerance as well, but the net result is that they feel less severe. Usually that is.

Occasionally the track morphs right back to day one’s shape. This happened to me this week. It feels perhaps worse when this happens because time has given me the edge in interpreting it all more effectively. For example I don’t just FEEL guilty, I know exactly why I feel guilty, and exactly why I should.

There is something written on the ground. They are instructions on how to slow and calm the rollercoaster, but I cant make them out. I moved to the back of the rollercoaster and can make out a little bit each lap around the track. I feel like I am at an impasse and I cant read anymore. I cant calm the roller coaster while I am in the car.

I have to jump. jump out. I will hit the ground, and it will probably hurt. But I think that is the only way I will be able to read the instructions and slow/ stop the rollercoaster. I have to jump. I have known this for a while now. I have moved as far to the back as I can, I am leaning as far out as I can, but i haven't “let go”. I think I am scared that I will never be able to get back in. But there is no “in”. The rollercoaster is out of control. Out of my control, And I cant do or enjoy anything from within the car anymore.

MAYBE, I will be able to get in the rollercoaster after it has slowed (which I have to do regardless). But I have to get to the ground so i can do anything. I have to jump. It is like the one last step, that in severing ties. And it might not even be as high as I think.

Its like I have been dreaming. I think I have jumped. I am on the ground. I am READING. But then I am woken up and I haven't jumped yet at all. This is poorly done, but my point is that I think I have “streched “ this as far as possible. The only way to get further is to cut her loose in one go. Maybe this will be like everything else so far, and afterwards I will look back on it as a blessing. Where I actually gained a richer appreciation for it, NOT lost it. But then I feel like I have jumped again.

Am I making any sense at all?

At any rate, I am not so shockingly overwhelmed as I have been lately. I am feeling better.

[Cadet]

Am I making any sense at all?

YES the only way to stop being on a rollercoaster is to get off.

DB'ing is the safest way to get off.

[Pyrite]

Hey Z, moved it back over here, thread hopping.

What I'm losing/gaining isn't the major breakthrough, but I'll mention it. I'm losing my W, my kids growing up with both parents together, the chance to be married forever to the mother of my children, a lot of faith in love and commitment, my house, part of my income, and a chapter of my life that meant a lot. What I gain is the chance to get my own place and make it mine, to have undivided time with my children, to raise them how I want when they're with me, to have increased income (compared to being sole provider) and a lot of free time to pursue my passions, the chance to grow and find joy on my own, and the chance to meet a woman that has the character and commitment to be a wonderful partner for years to come.

So here's the point. I was nearly a WAH in 2011, went through a MLC and was very frustrated with the M. I didn't walk, although I wasn't a very good H all the time either. But the point is that my coping mechanism was to grit my teeth and tell myself "you can't leave this marriage, marriage is important and real, other women/free time/passions aren't whats important, the marriage will mean more in the long run", etc. I was so terrified I'd screw up by leaving and regretting my decision I was terrified to even LOOK at the other grass in fear it would lure me away.

I could've written this . hang on - i think i did!

Hey- MrBond - had a good go at you too I see. At least I'm in good company.

Cheers,Read/talk more later
- Py.

[Fogg]

Think of it this way, you getting off that roller-coaster doesn't mean its the end of the ride. You getting off just means you are done being thrown around by the operator driving it, for now.

So you go and take a nice stroll around the theme park of life and enjoy yourself, enjoy the sights and let that roller-coaster do what its going to do regardless. Maybe it derails and is never the same, maybe it realizes how out of control it is and changes, maybe it continues forever on that crazy ride. Regardless, you aren't the driver, just a possible rider.

One day maybe that roller-coaster decides it no longer wants to be out of control and wants to be a nicer ride. A calm tunnel of love ride. It may see how nice of a rider you have become and wants to show you how good of a ride it could be.

One day strolling around this nice tunnel of love ride gets your attention. It flashes its lights at you, does everything it can so you get in line. Then is when you decide if you keep walking or take another chance on the ride.

Life is full of the rides, just like this theme park. Maybe the ride you want to go on will never be good for you, maybe there's a great ride on the other side of the park that you haven't found yet.

So, why worry about getting back on that fast roller-coaster now? If its going too fast its likely still in chaos and not a ride you want. If the roller-coaster wants you as a rider again, it will change.

This was so bad....I'm done now. lol

[Pyrite]

hey Fogg, thanks for your post. Its true. why would i want to be on the ride that makes me sick.

One thing keeping me on the roller-coaster has been that once I get off I can't get back on, and seeing it from the outside I won't want to even stand in line. So i will move move on, or move forward. Not necessarily to the next ride, just around the park.

i'll always be able to see the high track of the roller coaster (mother of my kids). but i'm not heading back there. the RC might come under new management, but will never need to advertise for riders, and I'm not interested in lining up.

She's not going to flash her lights at me. Anticipating this as a possibility is holding me back.

I think what I am getting used to is that ...... I'm not saying that she won't, and i'm not saying that she might. I/she might win $1M or get hit by a bus. i'm saying that I am moving on to this future, where the RC is just part of the landscape and holds no special focus. The FOCUS is what do I want. And how do I go about getting it.

One thing I want is to be happy and full-filled and not NEED anyone else. I do want a R one day, and this will go a long way to making it a happy/healthy R. There are numerous ways to work on this now, and I would like to think that I am, and have been.

BUT I have been drawn back to the RC because that is in my focus. IF only because I am watching its course, peering through my fingers. Its time to turn my back and walk away. I'm not angry. and I won't stubbornly refuse to turn my head because the RC hurt me and I am adamant to never go back there.

The RC (W) is there. I might go back there, I might not. Thinking about RC - done. New topic.

I am not saying I am there. I will backslide, as always, but hey .... thats life.