Is it really to late? Who knows....

[mahhhty]

"So he may or may not know that I tried to snoop but the lesson is SNOOPING DOES NOT PAY!"

Girl... I'm going to say sorry in advance... Sorry... You know that isn't who you are. That is on you. If you truly want to know the answers, ask the hard questions. Directly, bluntly and ready yourself for some hard answers.

[lost18]

The sad part is that I know anything I may have found on that phone is old news...like July 2014 old...so I may have found multiple OW's or pics of him physically with an OW....not sure what I was even hoping to find. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I have the name and phone number of the woman he had/has some sort of A with from the UK. And I may or may not be connected to her on LinkedIn...I've had this information since July 2014 and she requested to connect on LinkedIn in Dec. I have done nothing with it...but I have it.

If he knows that I tried to snoop he hasn't and won't say anything because he doesn't want the conversation either...maybe for different reasons.

I'm not ready for the hard questions because I'm still holding on to hope that we can turn this around and if I ask he'll have to answer, and although he is not moving forward with a D he hasn't decided against it either.

I guess if I ask the question "is asking the hard questions going to get me closer to my goal?" I'm not sure that the answer is yes, as my goal is still to save my marriage, therefore I can't ask the questions right now.

So, it is what it is...for now.

[mahhhty]

Hmmm you've been holding out on me Lost.

I think you snoop b/c you are expecting to find something and you are trying to control the situation. However, on the flip side you haven't done anything with the other woman's information and won't ask the tough questions yet. So perhaps you don't want to know.

You have already assumed that he had an A and you are still there. Why would asking the harder questions change your mind frame?

[lost18]

Actually I think I'm hoping to find nothing, because then I think there is more hope for saving this M, or if there is more than one woman he is talking to less chance he is "serious" when any of them. I know I'm twisted.

As far as contacting the OW this is something I've gone back and forth with many, many times. I think there are a few reasons I haven't, the big one is she could tell H and that wouldn't help me right now. Part of it is I don't want to know details. Also, if I chose to contact her in someways I would have expectations and it would be about controlling the situation. (ie. assuming she doesn't know he's married or living at home...if she found out she would end it).

As far as asking the harder questions it isn't anything about his A. I know he had at the very least and EA, probably at least a short lived PA (unconfirmed and denied, but I doubt people communicate for months with provocative pictures and spend 3-4 days together without having a PA). Again, I can forgive him for that as I understand it is a symptom not the problem. Not saying it would be easy to work thru if he decides to reconcile but that I am willing to try.

The reason I'm not asking the harder questions is because I feel like I've seen some progress, but it doesn't mean that he has changed his mind or has any confusion about what he wants or any intention of ever reconciling. So...if I ask the hard questions and his answer is "nothing has changed, I want a D" at that point I feel like I would have to force the issue of telling the kids and him moving out and moving down a path I don't want. Not knowing I can be ok continuing in this limbo (for now).

On another note, I'm totally mind reading, feeling like he's been a little more distant than usual. Of course I have my assumptions as to why but I'm trying not to let it affect me because I could be wrong. DETACH DETACH DETACH...wish it was easier.

[mahhhty]

I hear you lost. I think you should make sure that your actions match up with your feelings, aka no more snooping!

How was your weekend? Any softball or running?

[lost18]

That's a good way to put it.

Not a whole lot to update. Weekend was ok, I did play softball Friday night and out with some of the team afterwords. Got a nice bruise to prove it!

Saturday I continued with some yard work from the previous weekend (H had asked if he raked the back yard if I would rake the front). I did my part and even some of the back. He did start raking but then decided to fix the sprinklers so I was able to help him with that. I was also able to give him another compliment: "I love that you are so handy and are able to fix things when they are broken" or something along those lines. He didn't respond at all. But I will keep giving them as long as they are sincere.

Sunday I cleaned the kitchen and refrigerator and went grocery shopping so nothing exciting. He did bring up staying up North longer and commented that it pisses me off. I said that it's nice having him here so I don't have to do everything alone. I maybe should have just left it at like having him here...

Had an appt with my IC yesterday, I think at this point it's more of just a place to talk, her only advice is to look for opportunities and plant seeds. I made an appt for a month out, I don't want to stop all together yet, I'm not sure if the other shoe is going to drop or he will put them back on and tie them.

Been subbing long term so have been busy, not used to it and haven't quite figured out how to get everything done, but am maintaining at least keeping the house neat and cooking dinner a few nights a week.

So all in all nothing has really changed...still plugging along!

My friend couldn't run tonight so we are running tomorrow instead....

[mahhhty]

That sounds good! It sounds like the two of you still do a lot of things together. Remember that is a positive thing!

[lost18]

We do do a lot together which is good but also makes this really difficult...especially in regard to detaching.

I was a little upset with him on Sat (didn't let him know that). I was busting my but doing yard work and he went to home depot, I texted him and asked him to get me a gatorade. He came home with 2 diet cokes but no gatorade. I asked if he got me one and all he said was "oh, no." Pissed me off...apparently more than I thought because it's thursday and I felt the need to post that. Grr

The other morning he came into the bathroom while I was getting ready...doesn't do that often. He brushed his teeth but also was talking about the news with me...just like married couples do. sigh

Yesterday I got home from running about 6pm and H and the girls were like we're going out to eat. I of course needed a shower because I was dripping sweat, D16 was like just change and wash your face (eww) and H was like oh and get ready so that'll take like 45 minutes. I told them I didn't have to go just bring me something back. D13 had my back tho, she was like she takes a quick shower and wanted to wait for me. I got ready fairly quickly and didn't stress, even went out with my hair wet (I hate doing that, just put it up). I guess that was kind of a 180 for me.

I saw a male acquaintance of mine while out, his girlfriend works for a radio station and gave us 4 tickets to a concert at the fairgrounds for an old country group. H was like cool, Is it ok if I take 2 and see if SIL and BIL want to go too. Heck yeah! Unfortunately they will be out of town...hopefully we will still go, maybe take the girls or find another couple to go.

This weekend we are going to a minor league baseball game, D13's team sold tickets as a fundraiser and we are working the concession stand. In-laws and some friends are going too, and of course several other family and friends from the team.

Ok, I'm sure you will whack me for this but here goes.....
Again with the phone, the last 2 nights he has been texting and told D13 not to lay with him (she does every night). I keep telling myself that it could be anyone, I text frequently. It's just when he seems to be hiding it that it bugs the sh!t out of me! Considering the time it may be different woman now if that's what he's doing....

I know, that's what happens when A) you're not detached and B)have expectations.

[mahhhty]

Lost...
Many of the items you identified below could be spun in a good light and could be looked at as progression.

Except for the cell phone bit. How are you going to get over this hurdle?

[lost18]

ok, so I'm freaking out a bit...not sure why except I've been saying that if he's involved with someone else it's limited because he is always home.

On my way home from softball and dinner tonight D13 calls me in tears because she is "scared" because she is home alone. It's about 1130. Apparently H went out and still isn't home and has not answered her calls or even opened her texts. It's almost midnight now....this is really late for him.

When I left for my game I forgot something and came back in the house and he was on his phone. D13 said he showered and went out. This on top of the later texting...I don't know if I can keep doing this.