Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[Starsky309]

This is right but I don't see the benefit in seeing them as 'enemies' or make them feel bad.

It helps to try to think of them -- in their current state -- as an enemy of your marriage.

Someone who, in their current condition, doesn't have your marriage's (or even family's) best interests at heart. And then act toward them accordingly.

Think of a neighbor with whom you're friendly, but they're currently working for a company who's trying to destroy your family. How would you treat them?

There are ways to be friend-LY, without acting like her BFF or gay boyfriend. That's what you want to shoot for.


Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

I know this is divorcing busting site but for me that doesn't mean I just sit patiently waiting for my wife to come back while she is out having the time of her life with OM.

Is that^^ really TRULY what you think I/we are support? B/c it's not.

my gut says you believe that those are your fears (as if the only choice is being a doormat and calling that "DBing" OR filing for divorce...

there's a lot more to this, than those over simplified options.



As it looks right now she is not interested in R and the way I feel at the moment im not interested either. Doesn't mean that wont change.
So im getting on with my own life which is at the end of the day what DB is.

I have no idea what the future holds. My wife may turn round in 2 years time and say lets work this out. Then again she may hand me divorce papers next week and get married to OM. Who knows??
What I do know is that i'll deal with issues as they come up and if that means I've been dating other women and then wife wants me back then I and she will have to deal with that.
What I wont do is put my life on hold any longer. Life is too short as it is.

most DB vets have been urging the same. Moving forward is not giving up.

Just as "Standing for your marriage is not the same as standing still, refusing to grow, and simply waiting for a WAS to change their mind & return.

It's very rare for a spouse to return to a marriage they left, unless they believe it can be better/different than before.

The LBSer changes, among other things, are what demonstrate that it can be.

[Ontheup]

Hey 25

I'm hijacking Complex's thread here as I haven't posted on mine since my W found it.
This is a dbing site so i'm not advocating the very hard line approach I have seen on another site that ends in "lady" of as soon as you find out basically divorce them. I spent months doing everything I could to save my marriage but i have no idea what in my marriage was real anymore. What am I standing for? A person who doesn't give a sh!t about me? that's what she shows me at the moment as she has shown no genuine remorse what so ever. In fact the opposite. She believes what she is doing is ok as she loves schmoopie and it was meant to be blah blah so its fine to blow your family up.
So I question why would I want that person back? What is it im actually standing for? A memory of someone I once knew because that person I knew and loved sailed a long time ago.
Dbing is about A. trying to save your marriage and B. saving yourself. Well I tried a A for a long time and got no where so now im well into B. (maybe they should be the other way round)
Maybe I did oversimplify with the first line but I read sitchs on here where they are stuck, basically they are waiting it out. doing the pick me dance. We both know that never ever works.

This is only how I feel right now. Doesn't mean that wont change.

Sorry complex

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Ontheup,

Since I don't know your story, I can't really address much of what you are saying without hijacking Complexs.

So please understand why I have to be very brief. (Brief for me anyway. )

Hey 25

I'm hijacking Complex's thread here as I haven't posted on mine since my W found it.
This is a dbing site so i'm not advocating the very hard line approach I have seen on another site that ends in "lady" of as soon as you find out basically divorce them.

^^ Understood.



I spent months doing everything I could to save my marriage but i have no idea what in my marriage was real anymore. What am I standing for?

^^ Great question, which no one else can answer for you. For that, I'm very sorry.

I hope, and tend to believe, that time really will assist you in this.

A person who doesn't give a sh!t about me? that's what she shows me at the moment

Very Hard for me to know of course. And you are mind reading, though I can't say what to think since I don't know what behaviors she has shown indicating her feelings.

I strongly believe if there was once some real love, (the longer the marriage the more likely, I THINK)

then in TIME those good memories pretty much have to resurface UNLESS we, the LBSer does things to keep them suppressed. The more we challenge their choices, the more we force them to defend them and thus, the more they are loathe to recall the good times.

Make sense?

Moving forward in your life is FOR YOU first & foremost and second, in my opinion the course of action that is most likely (not guaranteed but, most likely) to trigger second guessing on the part of the WAS is also, moving forward.

It's not "Giving up" or being angry, it's GAL and Detaching.

You cannot detach without GAL. So the first step is GAL (for you, not for reconciliation)

and that's mandatory & it's KEY. NO excuses.


as she has shown no genuine remorse

Meaning, what? She says she is sorry but you don't "really" believe her? What would it take for you to believe she is sorry, OTHER than changing her mind?

I just think the word "genuine" in there is interesting, but maybe it's not.

what so ever. In fact the opposite. She believes what she is doing is ok as she loves schmoopie and it was meant to be blah blah so its fine to blow your family up.

My gut (or "female intuition" whatever that's worth) says the more a woman brags about how she's FINALLY in "real love" the more uncertain the path she has taken was the right one. I mean, who is she trying to convince??? What is with all the "declarations"?

If It were me and I really truly "finally" found the real thing, but I was divorcing the father of my children, I'd mourn hurting him but would discreetly and with a QUIET confidence, move on with OM.

Of course if I'd been miserable with my h and he continued to badger me or tried to make me "wrong" for leaving, when 1) I have justified leaving the marriage for a long time so his words will be meaningless to me; and 2) he knew (or "should have known") that he mistreated me AND OR we were horribly ill suited for each other,

then that'd be the only reason I can imagine pronouncing how great my "new man" and "new R" is...

So if I were you, and assuming you have looked inward enough --

I'd tune ALL of that out and if it took major GAL and therapy and trips and whatever, that's what my first goal would be. NO more wondering "if it was ever real", or "so she "never really loved" ME??

That's marital revisions, which WAS are notorious for. Let that roll off your back.

You have children? Then they will always have been the right path...

Make sense?


So I question why would I want that person back? What is it im actually standing for? A memory of someone I once knew because that person I knew and loved sailed a long time ago.

Only time and distance will tell you if this ^^ is accurate. But since I don't know what you meant by trying to save your m, I cannot say anything more specific.

Sorry. I suggest you rediscover this site when your wife can't figure it out and really post more.

I can tell you are in a lot of pain. But I don't have enough info...


Dbing is about A. trying to save your marriage and B. saving yourself.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd switch those^^ two things around. Saving YOURSELF first means you become a spouse only a fool would leave, not to "get them back" but b/c that is who you want to become. That tends to be the best way for them to notice that marriage to you could actually be better/different than what they left.

You work on you, b/c you really are the only person you can ever change. When you KNOW you have become the best Ontheup that you can, then turn the marriage over to God and let the chips fall where they will.

And be at peace.


Well I tried a A for a long time and got no where so now im well into B. (maybe they should be the other way round)
Maybe I did oversimplify with the first line but I read sitchs on here where they are stuck, basically they are waiting it out. doing the pick me dance. We both know that never ever works.


If they were perfect spouses to begin with, but still find themselves here, that's tragic b/c it means they are powerless. There is literally nothing they can do b/c they have no room for improvement.

That^^ is why the BEST news you can get from a good marriage counselor is that you have some work to do...on yourself.


This is only how I feel right now. Doesn't mean that wont change.

Sorry complex

Hope to see your thread sometime Ontheup.

Know this...it gets better. In 2006 I "knew" my marriage was over...

And I have 2 family members who divorced, only to remarry their former spouses a few years later. So yes, that happens too.

[Complex]

Don't worry about invading my thread, it's directly related to my own sitch.
I'm on the brink to giving up. But I gotta say my situation is definitely better than yours. My W at least somehow respects me, never had a PA and is showing a lot of sympathy by sitting everything out until my greencard is in. That bought me a lot of time. But there's still no sign whatsoever.
I got a lot of female attention recently and it is intimidating. Right now it is just good to see that there IS something else, maybe sth even better out there.

It was very helpful reading the conversation if you two. I'm thankful for any kind of thoughts.
I was already wondering where your thread was ontheup.

Quick blogging: I don't see W much. Very busy with work and GAL. Didn't go on another date yet. Just doesn't feel right still. But it was worth the experience.
Gone over the weekend for work again.
Me and W are very friendly roommates right now.
I'm still absolutely not sure how nice I should actually be, although starsky explained it very well. At this point I'm more catering her than myself being that nice. She is probably feeling pretty confident at this point that our D will be easy going. Which it actually might be. I'm not reactive at all, not even really strategical, all I do at this point is do my own thing and do the things that I want to do. I'm also trying to be myself and a good person but I'm not trying to be someone I am not, or try to be better than I can be....
Tats the only way I would want her to want me back anyway. Not going to pretend I'm someone who I'm not. She has to take me the way I am. Because that's what I'd do with her too.

[Ontheup]

FYI

its here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2540514&page=6

Good stuff complex. Great to see how far you have come. No doubt divorce (if it does come to that) will not be easy but you will be in a much better place by then anyway

[Complex]

Thanks. I feel like thinking fairly clear. Clearer than ever. Which was not the case at all in the past.
I know I'll be ready to move on and that there's a great life for me.
It'll be interesting from here on. My boss told me: you'll see when women get interested in you, your W will follow.
I actually for the first time I feel like I want to move on. It's such a limbo still, the in home separation. And I just found out the greencard thing might even take longer than expected. Maybe even another 3-4 months...
Feel pretty stuck right now. W didn't talk about the situation forever. Not sure if I should even start it.

[Complex]

Oh my gosh. I'm laughing.
W came home. Friendly as usual. Little small talk about her job.
Then the bomb: "By the way, the guy that you don't like..." Me "Which one, the one YOU like?" "Yes, that one, he got ENGAGED...he met someone two months ago and got engaged right away."

This is funny. I knew that they don't have an A anymore. But THAT? What the F?
She added things like how crazy it is, she tries not to judge but after 2 months it seems a little odd. And she told him "didn't you learn from my mistakes?".

Oh well. Enough news for the night.
I mean. What should I think of that now? Hilarious actually. Sounds like W still thinks I was a mistake tho. Something tells me I could win her back if I'd make more 180s etc. but right now, I just want to be who I am. Not change myself. Bc I'm good the way I am. And that's the only way I want to be loved. That's what I deserve. And by no means I want to be plan B. Period.

[mvgfwd2]

Karma strikes again! How many times does the OM/OW turn out to be the worst decision of the WAS life? Ha Ha. Love it!

[Ontheup]

haha that is quite funny.

It changes nothing though complex. Keep working on you for you. Youve come a long way.
Why should you want to win her back? it should be the other way round.