Keeping on trucking

[Wonka]

Squiggy,

In my view, I think a Controlled Separation Agreement would be best for your sitch since you don't want a D. Sometimes a SA allows the parties to have breathing space and reflect some more on their path.

Many DBers have used SA in place while DBing and reconciling with their WASes. It might be something for you to consider in place of that hearing.

Please give it some serious thought.

[mahhhty]

I agree with Wonka. I think patience during this period of her wishy washy-ness is important. You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot, while she is going through this internal struggle.

[Squiggy]

I absolutely hear what you guys are saying. My L just asked for an update about things, since I told her W is supposedly thinking about things. I'll ask her how it would affect custody with the Legal Separation being an option. As I mentioned before, my child is my first and foremost concern, and I'm going for primary physical custody. S5 even said, last week in the car, "I don't like when OM kisses mommy, because she is your wife." He volunteered that information himself. We even had to have a talk the prior week to help him understand that he would not get in trouble for telling me anything. Apparently he has been told to keep secrets about some things and not tell daddy. He didn't like that at all. He's been so much happier since he tested me and found my words to be true.

[mahhhty]

Squiggy - Your S is 5. It is conceivable that a 5 yr old saw those things a week or month ago and is just mentioning them to you. It is also conceivable that when he began to say these things your mood change and he read it on you, or you impacted his responses towards stating that they were secrets. Due to your profession I am sure you are better equipped on some of these discussions with your S. I am just playing devil's advocate.

It seems that you sound cold, bitter, and driven to some sort of action. However, it also sounds like your W may be investigating her own behavior and attempting to learn. It also seems that she is attracted towards you and your family. However, your posts seems as if you are driven to take action. Do not take an action that would stop her in her tracks. Try to take actions that promote the relationship you want.

This is just my two cents.

[Squiggy]

That brings up a point for clarification. Because of knowing what my child is going through, I have never asked him questions or pressured him. When he would tell me things, I would acknowledge and then let it drop. At some point in time, he was told not to tell me anything, hence the secrets. However, he has been telling other people things every week, and they relay them to me. He has people he considers safe to tell things now and always seems to feel better once it's out. The particular one above about secrets was told to someone else, and S5 was so concerned that we did address it. The kissing one was brought up out of the blue by him.

I'm sorry that I've giving off the impression of being cold and bitter. I'd say I'm more baffled by the waffling I see. I still bear her no ill will and wish her to be happy. I know that I'll be fine on my own. As a matter of fact, one of my closest friends, who is aware of the situation, told me that no matter what she does, I'm not allowed to change who I'm becoming. From him that is a huge compliment on the progress I've made.

As for the action, I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that patience became hard to maintain after the very long talk when she was in town. However, I've kept myself from calling her, starting R talk again, and generally pressuring her. When there are video calls with S5, I focus on him, show the new person I am, and am a friendly neighbor to her. The papers have already been filed, so there is no need for me to take any more action. I drew my line when I reached the point of being ready to divorce from the A being put in front of me several times and seeing the effects it is/was having on S5.

I don't know if she is attracted back to me and our family though. While it may seem like it, they are so far just words. I have to remind myself of that every day to keep from being overly hopeful with expectations. I know that if I go down that route again, I will lose focus and what I've gained thus far. It feels nice to be the cool, confident Squiggy I've become again.

Mahhhty, your two cents are always welcome. I think it would've been great to take the Jeeps out to do some hiking and camping. I'm now actually contemplating giving rock climbing (at a gym to get started) a shot to add to my outdoors fun. Haven't done it since I was a teenager.

Any and all guidance is always appreciated. You guys have helped me so much that I've even recommended another guy to come to this site and start posting. It's amazing how much change this community can illicit from a person. I may have a ways to go, but what I have accomplished is amazing.

[mahhhty]

You are damn right! You should be proud! Deep down inside somewhere you know that no matter what you will be fine and life will be better.

I'm glad you explained it more. I have a better understanding.

[mahhhty]

Whats the latest?

[Squiggy]

Nothing too much at all. Have S5 for the next 10 days and am excited. Sunday there was some texting back and forth where WW initiated R talk again, but this time I was less responsive to it, I think.

Started with WW asking me how he was and then saying how much she missed him. I responded that it's sad we have to miss him at all. She responded that Yes it is. She doesn't like it. I said Sorry, it's not what I wanted, and she said she didn't either.

I think switched to asking about resolving a financial issue we have left over, and she isn't able to do her part, since she has no money. I was firm that we needed to get it done before it went to collections, then she offered me to try and sell some of her things, which I declined. She told me she is working on a lot of things and trying to make changes. She wishes I would understand and give her more time (because of court?).

Then R talk began with her saying that she knows I want answers and she wants them too. She just doesn't have them at this time.

I responded that I'm not pushing for anything or seeking answer, just trying to take care of the finances.

She responded that she doesn't want me to think that her silence following the face to face conversation meant she doesn't want to try. She is just focusing on one thing at a time.

I told her I understand and that I've learned and am learning to not try to read her mind. I'm taking things one day at a time and have plenty of things to keep me occupied and happy.

She went on that she focuses only on S5 during the times she has him and then it's only on the weekends she gets to work on things. She said once her test (professional license) and a week long training are over, she'll be able to focus on us and realizes it is cutting it close to court. She then identified a couple things she's been coming to understand about herself.

I told her that I really am proud of her and have always known how strong she really is. I then said I've stopped stressing about things as much and am ready to accept what may come. I'm strong as well and am happy to have found it again.

She told me she is proud of me as well and that everything happens for a reason. It may not make sense when it happens but it does eventually reveal itself. She identified one of our problems of always being focused on the future and missing the present.

I agreed with her.

She then said that being alone on Thursdays to Sundays has opened her eyes a lot. She may not like to be alone, but she can. She stated it was extremely important for her to learn and she is fine with being just her. She's never experienced it before, and it is what was needed.

I sent her a picture of S5 playing outside with me and simply said Yeah, I've learned a lot as well.

She said she loved him with everything she is.

I ended it with saying I know the feeling and put the phone away.

Since then there's been two video calls with S5 prompted by her. One of them was on our wedding anniversary this week. She has been participating in the conversations between S5 and I more each time. Last night, on the phone, I wished her good luck on her exam and told her she'd knock it out. Later I got a text thanking me for wishing her good luck and that it means a lot.

Today she is taking her exam and sent me a message saying that even though they have 4 hours to take it, she's going to try and knock it out quickly so that she can meet me to exchange S5. I sent her a response after she was already in (I was busy and couldn't respond earlier) that she should focus on the exam and not sweat it rushing. She's got this.

And now we're perfectly current in here!

[Squiggy]

Ok... Important question. She asked me how do we work on this after choosing to spend another two hours with S5 and I. Immediately after she passed her exam. Dinner and all for two and a half hours.. Instead of going out and celebrating with others. She said she wants to know how before she decides...

Keep in mind that she moved two hours away. I do still hear fear from her, and I can't blame her, because I'm scared too.

[Sotto]

Hi Squiggy, glad to hear things are shifting with your W. Is OM still in the picture at all?