So any help with the suggested email to WW for co parenting counseling? Frankly I don't want to do it as we did it before and it wasn't helpful. I thought we were going for marital counseling and she turned the tables and said it was for co-parenting counseling.
My Doctor said not to respond to her communications but ....
As you know - my WAW is engaged in an active affair. I have informed her that unless she is willing to work on the marriage without a third party involved, I will not participate in counseling.
EMAIL from WW
It appears issues that haunted us duringour marriage will probably not be resolved in our future as co-parents unless we take steps to resolve it. I think it would be good for us and for the children if we come to common ground on being able to discuss issues with them and with each other.
Do you have any suggestions? Counseling?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE FROM ME
Things are difernent now between you and I and our family.
I will participate in counseling with you when you end your affair and comit to our marriage and family.
If you are unwilling to end your affair, and commit to our family fully, I will not participate in any counseling.
Thoughts? Any way I can say it better, less formal?
I feel terrible that she started this affair, left me and now blames me for it and now wants co parent counseling. Why does she get to call all the shots? She had the affair and now she decides that we should go to co parenting counseling? Is this just me or is this whacked?
Part of me feels like no response is detaching, the other part of me feels irresponsible for not continuing the drama with her. It feels like a no win situation.
Didn't you already state that you'd wouldn't go to counseling without her ending the affair?
I don't see anything in her email that even touches on issues with coparenting, so... Do you really have to respond to the email? What happens if you sit on it for a while? Or just don't respond?
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Although your W is probably not rational, there may be some very small nuggets of useful advice in what she is saying. I agree there does not seem to be a need for MC while your W is in the midst of an A. However, there may be a benefit to counseling for your children or family counseling. I am no expert, and I have not yet reached this point, but a family counselor or child psychologist may have practical advice of how to break the news to the children and how to co-parent. Perhaps this is what your W - in a brief moment of clarity - is trying to articulate.
I think the moratorium on MC while W is in full WAW mode does not necessarily apply to therapies that will help your children in the long run. You could consider calling a child psychologist or family therapist - you don't need your Ws consent or input for this - and ask to meet one-on-one to see what your options are.
We have done that. When this all first happened - September, she turned the tables and said our marital counseling was really co parenting. So I went along and brough our two kids in for a couple of sessions. It was marginally helpful and I think the kids are fine now. They are doing well in school and have a lot of friends each.
The communication between her and I is the problem. She refuses to admit the affair has anything to do with our mariage breakdown. She says it was just a coincidence. Baloney.
She just now called me again, using a different number to register on my phone screen - "Gotcha she said" "Would you like some Dodger tickets for tomorow - our department got some etc... I said "I can't talk to you anymore, this is a legal issue now" and gently hung up.
This whole thing has gutted me but my Doctor and my attorney has told me not to engage with her in ANY conversation. They said anything I say will be used against me. I hate that it has come to this but here we are.
She has called twice, one text and sent 3 emails today. I have not responded to any of them. I feel worthless that I am unable to fix this. But she has left me for the AP and there it is. She chose to leave me and that's it isn't it. She filed for full custody saying she was a better parent, she refuses to stop seeing her AP and I have stopped asking and stopped pursuing.
I am sure it is very painful. Just know that you will get through this. I was reading about the Stockdale Paradox today. If you have not seen it, Google it. Here, in a nutshell is his philosophy.
“I never lost faith in the end of the story. I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”
We don't know how the story ends. But there will be an end to the story. The end will depend largely on how you respond to your sitch. Be strong. We are all with you.
I wanted to comment on a post in your previous thread.
Originally Posted By: Heavy
I was calm and said "I am sorry you feel that way, it must be frustrating to hear that." She yells "Stop it with all of that counseling mumbo jumbo".
This triggered a long-buried memory in me. Yeah, I said almost the exact same thing to Ms. Wonka while in the midst of my MLC and had one of my mini-spews. Ms. Wonka said the same exact words you did and that just made me madder! Ha...the pleasures and perils of MLC.
Originally Posted By: Heavy
She just now called me again, using a different number to register on my phone screen - "Gotcha she said" "Would you like some Dodger tickets for tomorow - our department got some etc... I said "I can't talk to you anymore, this is a legal issue now" and gently hung up.
Eh, your response wasn't idea. I think you could have handled it better. There's a polite way of turning down invitations like that. I think your frustrations are causing you to hide the smokescreen of "this is a legal issue...can't talk to you." Where's the opportunity to show the new HeavyD??! No wonder your W is frustrated with you...do you now see how your response was very lukewarm.
Now let's turn our attention to W's email:
The Email
It appears issues that haunted us duringour marriage will probably not be resolved in our future as co-parents unless we take steps to resolve it. I think it would be good for us and for the children if we come to common ground on being able to discuss issues with them and with each other.
Do you have any suggestions? Counseling?
My Analysis
Does this really require a response? To me, not really as I feel she's venting frustrations with how you communicate. Yeah, I know...I know. She spews and all that jazz. My point here is that YOU are responsible for YOUR side of the communication coin.
Lately, I have noticed that your responses have been tepid. Do you see why it's any wonder that W is frustrated?
Get back to the basics:
Polite, cordial, concise
It isn't that hard at all, Heavy. How do you communicate with your neighbors, colleagues, and fellow parents??!
Take a deep breath...okay, now another and then re-read Wonka's post. The really on-target point is that there is a politer way to turn down an invitation. I know she caught you off-guard with the different phone number. We all make mistakes and you'll bounce back. (I hope you don't mind the constructive criticism.)
You're frustrated. Believe me, I understand. But I have faith in you. You can do this.
Take care,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Ha...the pleasures and perils of MLC. 