Ripken - LRT with a WW and divorce filed #2

[Defacto]

Thanks - Drew. Understand it's my choice, but looking for input. Also very much understand the legal side and talking with my attorney on that.

Assuming there's no problems (won't make decision until verifying that first), what other impact would this have on my relationship with ww? THAT'S what I need help with.

Wouldn't moving out be better stress/anxiety/resentment wise so she actually cares enough to initiate and miss me? Allows me to go dark.

My DB coach told me that MWD prefers the couple not to S so that wayward spouse would have more access to the positive changes LBS is making. In my sitch however, while my W did seem to initially miss me more when she moved out, it was much more helpful to my own mindset and wellbeing with her out of the house. And remember, even though I know it's hard, decisions shouldn't be made based on how you think it could impact your W. Instead, focus on what's best for you and your kids.

[Bob723]

Even if you find out it's okay from your L to leave, my advice is not to.

Sandi has stated many times that women respect a man with inner-strength. That includes being decisive, standing up to your W and refusing to be a doormat.

Bob is giving you great advice!

Cadet, aww shucks....thank you.

Bob

[Sherman333]

In some states, leaving the family home can be considered abandonment and might affect your parental custody rights.

Can you explain your lawyer's position on this? In my state and with the judge I'll be seeing for the BD, this absolutely affects who gets primary custody.

In my case, it's working out that I'll be the primary care giver. Not my STBXW. This matters in the divorce a lot. Especially if you have to fight for custody.

I stayed in the house and she moved out to a town about 25 minutes away. So my S7 would have to change schools, loose friends, etc. The judge won't appreciate that if he gave the STBXW physical custody.

You need to understand/research what the judge typically does. How many times has your lawyer been to that judge? How successful have they been in winning their position?

[Ripken8]

Ok, met with my attorney. She confirmed in the state of KS, me moving out will 100% have no baring on child custody, how much I'm entitled to, my stake in the house, etc. The courts will not view it as a negative - at all. Also said she would get a temporary parental agreement that mirrors what ww already put in she wants - 50/50 split and we can work out finances owed during the divorce/separation period.

Also, spoke with my DB Coach and she said that me moving out was the best thing for me. Said it would give me a chance to GAL and not be triggered every day in the house. Also said my game plan is to go dark vs. LRT and see how that helps.

Will it have a positive effect on our R? No idea. But, it feels like staying in the house just to spite her or force her to see positive changes in me isn't working either.

I can have the conversation that I'm moving out for me and need time to process things and be the best thing for me. That will ALSO imply the disrespect and OM boundary I already gave Sunday.

[Defacto]

Ok, met with my attorney. She confirmed in the state of KS, me moving out will 100% have no baring on child custody, how much I'm entitled to, my stake in the house, etc. The courts will not view it as a negative - at all. Also said she would get a temporary parental agreement that mirrors what ww already put in she wants - 50/50 split and we can work out finances owed during the divorce/separation period.

Also, spoke with my DB Coach and she said that me moving out was the best thing for me. Said it would give me a chance to GAL and not be triggered every day in the house. Also said my game plan is to go dark vs. LRT and see how that helps.

Will it have a positive effect on our R? No idea. But, it feels like staying in the house just to spite her or force her to see positive changes in me isn't working either.

I can have the conversation that I'm moving out for me and need time to process things and be the best thing for me. That will ALSO imply the disrespect and OM boundary I already gave Sunday.

Good luck! I think this will be good for YOU. Hang in there, Rip!

[Ripken8]

Thanks Defacto. Pilot, Wonka, Sandi, Heavy D, any other feedback, suggestions?

I know this is a decision I need to make, but somehow it feels like it goes against DB, even though my DB coach just confirmed this is prob the best move.

If I do this, is there a script or way to have that convo with the WW?

[Bob723]

If I do this, is there a script or way to have that convo with the WW?

Hi Rip,

That's an excellent question. Vets, any ideas for our friend?

Bob

[Drew]

Just that, at this point especially:

Actions speak louder than words.

[Ripken8]

Is this where the "After the last resort" technique would come into play? Even after having the "i dont' want a divorce/no open marriage" talk last week?

[Sotto]

I would just make the arrangements and tell her - W, I have rented a flat and will be moving out on X date. I can't live like this any longer. We need to talk about how we will arrange things to best suit the kids when we have separated. I propose 'this' in terms of finances (these will presumably cover household essentials and child stuff only..)

I wouldn't go into a big thing about - I'm doing this because I won't live in an open M, but I don't want to D. I think the fewer R words the better (IMHO - Just do it...and only deal with practical implications.)