So I have been reading the forums for the past 5 weeks.
I have read a lot and taken notes on everyone’s experiences. So here’s mine……On March 22, my W dropped the divorce bomb on me. The week leading up to the day she called for a divorce, we were sleeping in other rooms and not talking very much because of how I reacted to her not helping me with S2 and our dog during our S2’s learning time with a teacher. I didn’t talk to her for two days, which I shouldn’t have done, but I am working on how I respond to situations. She then spoke with her brother the following weekend, and on that following Monday after I had put S2 to bed, I came down and she was sobbing. he sobbed as she said that she wanted a divorce from me. She said she has been unhappy and she was unhappy for the last 3 ½ years. The first few years of our marriage, we went through a lot. My Mom had passed away due to cancer, and we ended up marrying a year later. My Mom’s passing really took a toll on me and I went into a really bad depression. I ended up taking some things out on her and she has always stated that I treated her really bad during that time. Now she says that I am still the same person and that I don’t know how to handle my anger and I don’t know how to communicate with her. I do have a hard time communicating and a lot of my issues have been connected back to my childhood when I was physically and emotionally abused by my father. My wife knows a lot of this as I have been to therapy with her on several occasions for the past 3 years. I stopped for a few months leading up to the divorce because I thought things were going good. I should have kept going no matter how good things were going. She had stated that she doesn’t want to be unhappy and she believes she will be happier alone than with me. She doesn’t want to have to worry about me or what mood I am in or how I am going to react. She said that there is nothing I can do and that she has been down this road before, but the only difference this time was that she is 100% for sure. Since then, things have been okay. I immediately went out and bought DR and read the entire book in the first week. I have been on this site everyday for the last 5 weeks.
I have been journaling and taking notes. I have been trying to GAL, but its hard because we both still live at home together. I have also been trying to detach, but I have had some backslides. I was doing good until last week when W brought up selling the house and why she wanted to sell it asap. I want to stay because I don’t think I can afford to buy another place on my own and I want to keep some stability for our S2. Its S2’s home too and I don’t want to get rid of it, but at the same time I might want to later just because of all the memories. During this convo, I told her that she is ruining our lives and that this is her choice and that I will resent her. (I know I went completely against detachment, which I will try not to do again.) We really don’t talk much and we try to be as cordial as possible. I don’t write too well, so I hope I don’t confuse you or forget anyting
Last edited by Cadet; 04/27/1507:10 PM. Reason: edit for carriage returns and readability
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you Cadet! I really appreciate the advice. I will keep both very close to me.
W is planning to move in with her mom and she wants to take S2 full time. I told W that i don't think that is fair and that he should be able to live with me half of the time. W stated how its an inconvenience for her and that our son should be with the mom most of the time anyways at this age. I told W i don't agree. Is that fair?
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Thanks Cadet. W said this morning that i can have S2 half of the time. She was worried because i will be moving to my brother's house and he smokes which she does not want around our S2. I told her that he will always smoke outside and she had a hard time believing me, but she said okay. We have both agreed to look for a preschool for S2 somewhere in between both or our jobs.
i need to GAL more.....
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
This is really taking a toll on me. I could not stop thinking about what is going on and how this will affect our son. W doesn't think it will have any affect on our son as long as we can be amicable. This is so hard!!
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
There's nothing you can do to make an IMMEDIATE impact in a positive way. You won't be divorced overnight. So take some time to work on making you the best YOU possible. Relax...slow down...and think about what things you want to improve about yourself and your relationship with your son. Then, start doing those things. Stay busy and use this time wisely.
Thank Matt777. Yes, I have been working on myself and trying to GAL as much as I can. There are good days and bad days.
Made a HUGE mistake yesterday and i have backslid quite a bit. I don't know what got into me (maybe feeling lonely), but i started to browse an online dating website (feeling lonely/lost i guess)and W saw my phone and she got really mad and said that the little respect she had for me is now gone. She was really angry and I know why. I really screwed up and I think i might have screwed any chances of me saving my marriage. I dont know what i was thinking......im such an idiot
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
