Tooting Marvellous!

[rd500]

Hi Toots. You seem to be going through the roller coaster at the moment. From what I have seen this is normal and to be expected. Your trip home for puss would have been hard on you emmtionally even if it did not seem like it at the time. Seeing Hs emails would also be unsettling

On the plus side you now have puss and Toots is becoming an amazing person.

I do believe that most of our WAS will regret their decisions because most of us have grown into people that deserve a partner that wants to be with us and loves us. Toots , I have posted my heart felt thoughts about you on here before and every post I read from you shows what a kind , caring and great person you are.

Toots deserves happiness and she will find it.

Positive thoughts Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Hi RD, thanks for your kind words. They meant a lot to me last night after a bit of a low day. Last night I lay on my bed and pounded it with my fists like a two year old having a tantrum - that helped a little. l started the morning with a loving kindness meditation, and that has helped too. I'm going to have a better day today, and start to think about reframing things.

In the longer term I think it may just be a choice for me:

Accept that H is unlikely to agree to what I would prefer in terms of formal separation and financial settlement, and carry on as we are for a while...

or, take control myself and file for D...

I think at the moment I just need to work on my own frustration because it isn't helping me to feel this way. So I am practicing a little more compassion towards H and his current situation in order to release myself a little more if that makes sense.

So, hopefully I'll be reporting back on a better day today. It's true that going to the MH throws me off balance. But on the plus side, I hopefully get back on the wagon pretty quick too. It's interview day tomorrow, so I'll do some prep today and log on for work too. Yoga class this evening.

Have a good day my DB friends xx

[edz]

(((((Toots)))))

I can understand the MH thing Toots. Before I moved out whenever I went "home" I was surrounded by the memories just in the layout (I know you said contents had been changed at your MH) once I moved out that stress stopped and since I'd done some heavy lifting rearranging things for w before I left and she and MIL consequentially moved everything else around its not quite as bad when I go there, now its better of course as long as the sitch stays on the up.

So I understand how the place echoes in your mind when you go back.

I completely get the frustration aspect as I hope you can imagine, I'm pretty open on here and I think ive come across sometimes as ready to eat my way through the matress let alone pound at it, you are completely right that the one thing you can 100% change any way you want is you and you can be calm and relaxed as I know you almost always come across as being so here

If I had to put one name to the common feeling Ive had throughout this process its frustration, at myself for any part I played, at w for not talking or giving me signs on what she wanted, at myself for goofing up. It's, well, frustrating!

Sounds like the meditation and reframing are THE way to go, dont forget Puss too, stroking a mog cat will lower blood pressure which has been proven, get a nice grooming kit and set some time aside (and if she's like the BFT a hoover, bin bags....) and get some serious mog cat time in there

Enjoy your day (((((Toots))))) sure you'll ace tomorrow

Edz

[gan]

(((Toots))) I think the low is pretty normal after visiting the MH. Both H and I moved out of our old place so I have no reason to go back there fortunately. I can tell I have major issues with the place - even driving near the area brings back a lot of negative feelings in me. So much bad energy there now.

Yes, I have been trying to return to the compassionate place lately as well. I think the Relationships meditation is the closest I can get to loving kindness meditation using the Headspace app. I've started it twice but find I end up lost in thought about my sitch. Are you able to use your H as the object of your mediation?

(looking forward to seeing what you pull out for you next thread title!)

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz and Gan. I had a much better day today. Went off into town this morning, did some shopping and had coffee out, whilst doing some prep for my interview tomorrow. Logged on to work after lunch to find my formal interview invite, and that there is a short presentation to be delivered.....so you can guess how I spent my afternoon!

Edz, I'm enjoying having puss here. She sleeps alot, but loves being groomed, so we've had a number of rebonding sessions with the brush. You are right about frustration and impatience. Neither are useful for us. And I realised I am putting stuff on H - 'he hasn't come back to me again' - when I can also think ' that's me being impatient and feeling frustrated.' So, I'm just trying to reframe things. I also started a gratitude journal today.

Gan, the loving kindness meditation is a Jon Kabat Zinn one. He has three apps on the app store, linked to his books, and I have them all. The meditation starts with feeling unconditional love for yourself, much in the way a parent might feel for their child - and basking in the feel of that self-love and acceptance. Then it broadens out into feeling that love for someone who you may be finding it harder to love. I did try it with H and it seemed to go okay. Towards the end of the meditation it broadens out to love of your community and those within it, of animals, and blossom on the trees, and the world.

I felt very peaceful afterwards. Well, I'm off to yoga tonight and then working away (plus interview) tomorrow. Have a nice evening all xx

[rd500]

H Toots. Just a quick post to wish you all the best for tomorrow Positive thoughts flying your way. Take care and the best of luck. Rd. xxxx. ( two extra for luck)

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

Hope everything is going well today with the interview, keeping positive thoughts your way too.

And a big ((((((Toots)))))) for you. I feel that if there is some time you could go back into some sessions with you IC maybe it would help to deal with the frustration and impatience.

We can say that it is normal, part of the process, do meditation and feel a little better. But it is inside us, and it hurts and triggers depression.

I know you are smart and a balanced person, but waiting, being on Limbo for so long is torture. So, why not get some extra help for awhile until things get better. I find it is very helpful for me to talk to someone I can be completely honest.

Hope you are having a good day honey. You deserve it. Nice about the cat, he will give you a lot of love.

XOXO
Pink

[jim0987]

Evening Toots. How's things in the slightly more west West Midlands?

Being frustrated is normal. When I ask people relatively straightforward questions which require an answer and they don't give it - its frustrating!!! Its how much we let that bother us or affect us that we need to concern ourselves about.

I find adopting a default position helps, and I don't mean in a standard revert to way I mean more of a 'I will take the absence of an answer as.....' Way.

For one of my work things I've got to corral a whole load of uninterested people and get them to agree. I only really made progress when I openly adopted the policy that silence or absence will be taken as explicit agreement with whatever I decide. Suddenly they started engaging.....

On that front I don't think your options are as you are or file for divorce, you have an alternative in being more forceful in pushing the finance. So you could email him and say

'I've asked my solicitor to start drawing up a financial agreement so we can proceed with selling the house. If you have any particular views then let me know, if not I'll get a draft to you when we have something'

If he can be entirely passive should he choose and you still start progressing only the things you want to progress. Just a thought so feel free to ignore me.

Good luck with the interview. Is the presentation done? You'll be great and ace it I'm sure, but if not as everyone seems to agree with you I'm sure you can get a job as deputy prime minister!!!

(Gotta love 5 year old satire )

[Sotto]

RD, thanks for the good luck wishes and extra lucky kisses - just what I needed!

Pink, thanks for your thoughts. I will think about more IC. Mostly, I'm doing reasonably well, but I don't cry that much or get that angry recently, and I don't want to be suppressing stuff. Seeing a cllr does help release some of the emotion I think.

Just back from yoga and had a nice phone chat with my old neighbour. I had hoped to see her Monday when I went up, but she was away. She told me that five couples (including us) have S in our road this year. No-one S the whole time I lived there (5+ years - sad...)

Jim, thanks for your ideas. I knew I was going to be challenged on the - well, I only have two options comment. And your idea is a really good one. I read it and thought - wow! I truly wouldn't have thought of doing that, and it just goes to show the value of these boards. I don't need to shut up and put up or file for D, I can just start progressing things in the direction I want.

All is quiet anyway right now, and I'll give things a week or so for him to respond. Failing that, I may just start moving things in the direction I want as you suggest. I agree with you about that dynamic. As he tends to not come back to me, it is better to go with the - I'm moving forward with this, if you have any views let me know by X - otherwise I'll assume you're happy - genius! It's funny, I deal with that kind of scenario at work all the time. Just wouldn't have thought of doing that here!

Thanks guys - you are friends indeed. Now then - what to wear for tomorrow...x

[edz]

Evening toots just in and heading for bed but in case you're off early tomorrow best of luck though I'm sure you'll ace it


((((Toots))))

Edz