Feeling so hopeless

[Cadet]

2. Zelda.....is Stockdale paradox just something I can Google for info?

Yes Admiral Stockdale was a POW in Vietnam

[Lucy105]

I am taking steps for "me" now, losing weight, going to counseling weekly, attending Weight Watchers meetings weekly.......I found the group I'm in to be especially supportive. Sunday I'm also going to attend a new church, and speak with the Pastor. Then Monday I am going to join a singles group for folks my age........it's not a dating service, but more a support group of people who attend all sorts of events, like movies, dinners, plays, etc. I thought if nothing else, it will get me out of the house, and meeting people again.

I'm not holding onto a lot of hope here with him, he's a stubborn man, and I am his 2nd wife. I am realistic. He did this to his first wife also, with the exception that he was very young then, and she had cheated on him with the man she's married to now. Before they were divorced, he ran into the arms of a very dysfunctional woman, and that relationship was very short lived as well........same thing as his current relationship is now....I'm telling you all, this lady is CRAZY!

I just don't understand this very much, our relationship wasn't even 20% as bad as what he's in now, and we have a beautiful home in the country, very private, and lots of nature around us.....I'm watching a small group of 7 deer licking the salt blocks behind the house now! I just don't understand how he could go from that, to a crazy alcoholic lady renting an apartment in a bad part of town in the city.

I firmly believe that part of his problems are the restaurant itself, and not just me, he puts in a tremendous amount of work and time there in 1 single day. He always says it's his passion, and life's dream, but I believe what he's referring to when he says that is the customers themselves, and the fun he has with them and the staff, I think everything else that comes along with it has been causing him to much pressure and stress.

[Lucy105]

Thank you Cadet!

[Cadet]

I'm not holding onto a lot of hope here with him, he's a stubborn man, and I am his 2nd wife.
I am realistic.
He did this to his first wife also, with the exception that he was very young then, and she had cheated on him with the man she's married to now.
Before they were divorced, he ran into the arms of a very dysfunctional woman, and that relationship was very short lived as well........same thing as his current relationship is now....I'm telling you all, this lady is CRAZY!

So don't take this the wrong way but what does this say about YOU?

[Lucy105]

I'm not sure Cadet.

[Sotto]

Hi Lucy, sorry to read of your plight, and welcome to the forum. It's a good place to be.

My H also had/is having? an A with a fragile and rather dysfunctional woman. He has been the OM in their R for a year. Their R is rocky at best, but he still hangs on in there. He told me he wanted to help her get out of her current R with a controlling guy (which also started as an A incidentally.)

There's not too much you can do for your H right now. And it may well be a while before he wakes up and starts to look at what he is doing and the damage to himself and others. Also, I would protect yourself and have no contact with her if she is a bit bonkers. As someone else posted recently - she is a wormette who is not worthy of your wisdom.

Protect yourself as best you can financially and start moving forwards from there. These sitches tend to take a good while to resolve. Can you tell us some more about your marriage? Why do you think your R became vulnerable to him having an A?

[Lucy105]

I mean, I obviously have hope, I love this man deeply, otherwise I wouldn't be here, or doing the things I'm doing. I do think I'm a good person, but I am trying to remain somewhat realistic as well. I do think his issues are much deeper than just being about me.

[Zelda09]

Google it

[mahhhty]

Lucy,
You do seem very centered in all of this, and I think you are taking the right steps to turn around your life. I urge you to keep doing what you are doing.

In one of your first posts you said.....

"He was extremely extremely angry, and the anger just didn't make sense to me. I wasn't a perfect wife, but hadn't done anything that bad to warrant that much anger. I did all the things initially that the book says not to do........crying, begging, pleading....etc etc etc. As the book says, nothing worked. So I switched my mind completely into a more positive, upbeat frame of mind. That didn't work to bring him home, but it did get him to mellow a bit, and at least take divorce off of the table for now."

I love how you understood that your actions/reactions enabled the person he has become. We all have a hand in how our spouse reacts. Furthermore, changing your attitude perspective to get a different result is wonderful. Continue to change those things and monitor the results.

[Lucy105]

Thank you very much Zelda!

Also thank you mahhhty! I have worked VERY hard to remain positive and dignified when I am speaking with him, or texting him, and it is very difficult at times because I just want to shake him, and say "wake up"!. Part of me believes that may be where part of his anger comes in, he probably expected me to blow up at him, and I did exactly the opposite knowing if I pushed him, it would push him further away.

I did speak with him this morning, I called him to ask if it would be ok for me to text a list of the house bills to him. I called because the OW has been using his phone, and I needed to be sure he got the text.

I said Good morning, then I noticed he has a bad cold, so I said I was really sorry to hear he wasn't feeling good, then asked if I could send the list. Before I ended I told him I hope he feels better, said I had to go, and said goodbye, have a good day. Short, to the point, and it was positive. He was a bit crabby when he first answered, but me being polite to him made him mellow. He now has the list of house bills, he said he'll make the deposit, and hopefully problem solved.

What's weird is everyone says he's been so irrational, but when I've talked to him the last couple times , it's almost like he's my same husband as before.

Now time to detach!