My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[MrBond]

"Someone who is MORE ready to be on the front foot than just passively listening."

They listen to help you help yourself. In the end, that's the only real person who can help you. The communication issue is key though.

[Zues126]

Py- you made a comment on my post about being ready before you think. That's so true and applicable. It's not just ready for dating, it's about many things.

Some people feel ready well before they are. I tend to feel unprepared long after I am.

I can tell you that just today I was in my car feeling the loss all over again like it just happened. There was a moment I felt broken. I'd never be over the loss. I'd always be weak in the knees around my STBX, a pathetic shaky shell that would beg to have her back.

But then like 5 minutes later I was totally fine and had an UNBELIEVABLE evening with my kids. PURE MAGIC.

I know now that if my STBX temperature checks me my heart would leap to the moon...I might even show a reaction, or say something out of emotion I'd regret, not sure...but then I'd snap back out of it and recognize the reality and go back to my path, only to reevaluate if given legitimate reason.

So if I'm waiting for the whiny, weak, needy, sad part of me to vanish...it won't EVER happen. In some way, I'll always have that part of me.

However, I might find out that my strong, independent, confident, and competent voice is there running my life anyway, and that while I may suffer pangs of sadness, I will be leading on as the man I want.

Having come this far, I'm very excited to see where I'll be in another year. I am starting to believe that I could make a good H, and that by the time I'm ready to sign up I will be ready to do my part to build a successful M.

Thanks for sharing Py.

[Pyrite]

I know how you feel. It is sad and frustrating. I posted the other day, that I had been fine and strong all day - and then 1 email, email no less, took me back to square one. My gut tight, every part of me aching. But they get further apart and shorter.

My mum's D was 22 (T:26 years) years ago and she admitted that she still gets teary occasionally. My Dad on the other hand (analogous to the WAS) has always been angry, the victim etc. They both say they are happy - but I can tell you who really appears to be the happy one, travelling the country with her new H (who she is hesitant to call the love of her life, but absolutely considers to be the best R she has ever had). The one who actually grew from the experience.

So I suppose maybe it never will go away. But that doesn't mean we won't be able to enjoy another R again. I have to pull back on this as well, so I am not criticising, but chances are you will have several Rs before you M again. Some of those R partners will just not be the right ones. You can be an incredible person, in terms of maturity, developed, stable, healthy (EVEN flawless dare I say) etc and so might she be, but she still might not be "the one".

i know how it is for me. and it is very .....ironic. Given my ego, and the problems that come out of it (BTW I am wrestling more with this ATM and will post one day - as I have promised before ), one would think I am eager to boast about myself. In some situations/achievements I am, not to boast, but to make sure that it is acknowledged. In others I am downright embarassed. I suspect maybe you are in this boat here. I am not saying that you ARE ready, or pushing you, just dont sell yourself short in this regard.

Chances are that potential Rs will be with someone who has never paid so much attention to personal development. I had an interesting talk with my Mum last night that I am still digesting. It just reinforces that I am going to have to take a break from actively self analysing how I WOULD or WANT to be in the future and just be. Later the same applies to RsI guess. When? There's the $M64 question. When will I even get through a day without talking to my W in my head.

[Pyrite]

damn - hows that for timing. my W just called. she talked about schools she is visiting. it was all really good, friendly etc -So why am I shaking? Why do I feel like s**t? Because she sounds fine. She sounds resolute. She sounds like there is no hope for US. She has appeared as the stressed out WW that Sandi described. Now she doesn't sound stressed out at all. She sounds happy and excited. Well it is an exciting prospect, as the conversation went, and we did share that together I suppose, but it is excitement about setting up our separated co-parenting lives. And that kills me. I liked it better when she was stressed and angry. I know that is wrong of me - but it gave me hope, that she was conflicted etc.

I know, marathon not a sprint.

[Cadet]

damn - hows that for timing. my W just called. she talked about schools she is visiting. it was all really good, friendly etc -So why am I shaking? Why do I feel like s**t? Because she sounds fine. She sounds resolute. She sounds like there is no hope for US. She has appeared as the stressed out WW that Sandi described. Now she doesn't sound stressed out at all. She sounds happy and excited. Well it is an exciting prospect, as the conversation went, and we did share that together I suppose, but it is excitement about setting up our separated co-parenting lives. And that kills me. I liked it better when she was stressed and angry. I know that is wrong of me - but it gave me hope, that she was conflicted etc.

I know, marathon not a sprint.

Here is the thing - she is running on emotions right now,
so today she is cheerful and happy,
and tomorrow or next week she could be stressed.

STOP taking her temperature to figure out what is happening.

Or if you really want to waste time go out and find a river or a stream or ocean and take its temperature every hour and let me know the results,
maybe you can determine if their is global warming!

[phunguy]

Glad I stopped by thanks Zeus. I'm right here with you guys. Roller coaster woooo!!!!!

[Pyrite]

Thanks Cadet - If only you had a $ for every time you saved someone from despair hey.

feel free to tell me not to ask if it suits - but why does your sig. only contain ages of you and your kids - is there a M of some sort in there that brings you here?

[Pyrite]

Glad I stopped by thanks Zeus. I'm right here with you guys. Roller coaster woooo!!!!!

Great- Thanks Z. Are you whispering to the crowd about the nutter over yonder (me)?


All good now. Work near the beach. Best place in the world to meditate. 15mins, calming and slightly directed towards letting go. Came back to work, chatted with the very attractive receptionist. Life doesn't seem so bad. Call me shallow, but it always cheers me up, chatting with her

[Cadet]

but why does your sig. only contain ages of you and your kids - is there a M of some sort in there that brings you here?

How to find a thread

Try clicking on a NAME
SHOW POSTS
Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there

My friend Mach1 says

Give a man a fish and he wont be hungry for that day
Teach a man to fish and he wont go hungry.

Also you might find the info here useful
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553130#Post2553130

[Zues126]

Py, I know you're going through more than you really would like to right now. Just remember one thing...you're EARLY in your sitch.

I am over 10 months in and I feel like I'm closing out level I...only to start level II.

It really is a marathon. I'll get my D nailed down, get into a rhythm with work and kids, have some difficult and painful times, and allow this to become the new normal. That might take another year for things to feel like my life isn't some fun house mirror nightmare.

I'm doing well, but it still feels like an elephant in the living room that going through a D isn't really what I'd like to be doing right now.

So relax and give yourself permission to hurt right now. Keep posting, I appreciate your participation on these threads. You're all right Py. Take care.